I was officially divorced about a year and a half ago, however we were separated for a year and half before that (most of the time living under the same roof). My daughter was just about three when all was said and done. It was hard on her and hard on both me and ex (although I initiated the split). My ex obviously was angry and bitter and still is. We have joint custody of her and live very close to eachother to make things a little easier on her. We keep contact strictly about my daughter and have had moments that all three of us have done things together just so my daughter sees that we are both still here for her. She's almost four now and still mentions if her dad and I will ever love together again and gets very sad when we drive by out old house where we all lived together. It will take time and is a hard adjustment. Try to keep things as "normal" as possible for your kids...hang in there and be patient.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news...

Just like adults, children go thru the grieving process. The grief process is NOT linear and states can happen out of order, be skipping and repeat themselves. They/we can also go thru more than one state at once.

No matter what age OR how the kids act, it really does affect them more than we realize. Their sense of stability and family (even if horribly dysfunctional) as they knew it, will be gone. People tend to think that "they're kids, they'll bounce back quickly." It's NOT true. Many kids end up blaming themselves even when their parents tell them all the right things. They can fell abandoned by the parent who doesn't have primary custody or the parent who they perceive as the one 'leaving' the marriage, and/or they end up always wishing mommy & daddy were together, etc.

Kids pay attention to actions over words. If actions don't match words, they attribute the reasons behind it to many things OTHER than what mommy & daddy tell them. For example, "mommy and daddy love you and none of this is your fault. But mommy and daddy are going to live apart because (fill in reason)."
What the child sees is "mommy or daddy (who ever is leaving) doesn't want to be with me (child) any more. I must have done something wrong." Actions always trump words.

I suspect that your son is mimicking what he has heard his dad say. That tells me that its very possible that daddy is badmouthing mommy and that can and does cause alienation of the parent being bad mouthed. That can escalate.

If you have primary custody, another thing that can happen is they will end up mad at you. That's because you are the SAFE one. They are afraid to act out or get mad at dad because they are hanging on to him (since he left) by what they perceive to be a thread. They can't afford to risk losing what little they think they have left of him.

Kids are highly perceptive and they internalize a lot. Many kids don't share their true feelings for many different reasons, not the least of which is their brains aren't mature enough to process things. So they may act out in various ways at home, in school, etc. They are afraid its their fault no matter what mommy & daddy say.

There are, of course, other responses and different degrees of reaction, but in any case, they are deeply affected (even when one parent is horribly abusive).

Please consider getting them into counseling w/a therapist who specializes in children AND play therapy.

MTC,

Therapy for them was the first thing I looked for when I started thinking of divorce, but my STBX got really mad at me, saying I am projecting my issues on them. I will definitely go for it once I have MY time with them and power of decision, which I can't while still under the same roof.

I know this is not the happy ending, especially once the legal process begins it will get really ugly. I can just hope for the best. My kids are my only weakness right now.

Mine were 10, 8 and 7 when I got divorced, my two oldest were angry and then they were angry at me and also blame me for a short while (when it wasn't my fault, he cheated and wanted a divorce). I tried to keep things as normal as I could at home. But over 3 years later they are well adjusted, they spent time with their father, they don't blame themselves, they understand that it was a situation between their father and me.

Ave, I'm so sorry. It really does sound like your stbx is being vindictive and selfish instead of putting the kids first. No matter what he says, try to remember that HE is projecting HIS issues on to you and the kids. And, at some point, the kids may very well back away from him.

The best advice I ever received was:
Stand in your truth
Don't bad mouth the ex
Don't put the kids (regardless of age) in the middle
Give age appropriate answers to questions as they come up
Be there for them so they know they have a safe place to land, no matter what.

One positive of having to wait until he's out is that you will have time to find good resources/therapists. (Always find the positives in a bad situation. ;-)

~healing hugs~

My situation may be different as my ex physically abused the children. They were 6 and 8 when he left, and now as we are getting formally divorced they are 9 and 11.

The day he left they cried and said they didn't want daddy to leave and didn't want us to be divorced, but that was the last time they said that. Their anxious, guarding and self-harming behaviors improved dramatically after he was gone, they started doing better socially and in school, and when we told them we were getting divorced they expressed relief.

Right now, they are in a phase where they both seem to be overly concerned with trying to please their dad. They both act overly happy when he's around, almost comically so, and tell him over and over again that they love him like they're trying to reassure him of their loyalty. At the same time, I see signs of fear from them: if he gets angry they panic, hide, cry, or harm themselves. He has very limited contact with them and they are in therapy.

Helping my kids navigate their emotions about their dad - and really, trying to encourage them to rebuild a positive relationship with him when I am so angry at him myself - has been the single most challenging part of this entire process.

I'm a guy and from the statistics say, men seem to take divorce harder. Seems to be a coincident statistic with that women are 70% more likely to end a marriage than the man. I couldn't help but not be depressed after my divorce. I have 50/50 custody of my kids. For the first year, I was pretty down but I tried to hide my emotions from my kids and I quickly learned that bad mouthing or passive aggressive negative cognitations was not the proper thing to do on my part. It does seem like my kids bounced back rather quickly. But not as quickly as my ex, which was almost immediately since she is the one that left.

I am better as time goes on and just keep my ex out of mind as much as possible and minimize contact with her unless it has to do with the discussing the kids.

I have a pretty good relationship with my kids, don't bad mouth the ex and just try to have the best relationship with them I can. I am glad I get to see them at least 50% of the time. Although, my dream in life was to be with my kids 100% of the time.

I stay quiet about the divorce around the kids but will answer questions about it if they ask. I stay positive and look at their best interests.

That all being said, deep inside of me and in the back of my brain. I always thought divorce was nothing but a big fat turd. I act neutral about it when the kids are around. I am not a big fan of sugar coating things and acting all rosy about a situation that I think just plain stinks and is nothing to necessarily cheer about. I am able to just keep it out of my mind and that shows around the kids since our conversations usually just center around the everyday activiites of life. But I doubt I will ever act all happy around them and try to cheer them up about the divorce. I would just rather keep it out of my mind and theirs.

Agree the kids' grieving process is not linear.

My kids were 9 and 7 too (girls). We are 13 months out. They were devastated at first. Oldest really wanted to know "why". We kept it all neutral. I put them in counselling but they both hated it so it was more trouble than it was worth so we stopped (they loved the therapists, they just insisted they didn't need it).

Overall, it has gone very well. My youngest had been developing some anxiety behaviours; they are all gone now. They are relaxed, happy, engaging.

I keep. Waiting for the other shoe to drop... but overall has gone better than I could have imagined.

I think each scenario is different. I know when my parents divorced I had a hard time switching between parents and houses. I would get irritable the day before I had to go to my moms, or to my dads. It would take 2 or 3 days for me to settle in, and be happy afterwards. It's not that I did not want to go to either's house though. They each tried to make it easier by welcoming me home with something or giving me something to look forward too. Could of been a pack of baseball cards, or a trip to the go kart track, etc.

I agree that every situation is different. My kids were 5 and 7 when their dad left, and 13 and 15 now.

They've been through some tough times through it all, but overall they've done great.

The first year, both my ex and I made "mistakes", but it was a learning curve...just like parenting. Overall, my kids have learned to be patient, adaptable, and empathetic. Definitely more mature than their peers. That's not a bad thing. Historically some kids were handling a whole lot more.

One thing that I really think helped. Once the divorce went through, I stopped thinking about my ex as "my ex" and more as "my kid's father". And I wanted them to have a good relationship with their dad, as well as a good relationship with whoever he was with.

I wanted them to learn to be respectful and how to handle themselves in different situations.


If your son feels like his future is horrible, listen beyond the words to the fears. Then deal with them. (What scares you? What would make it better? What would make it worse?) Don't get pulled into a right-wrong fight. Look for multiple solutions. Don't skip over the negatives, they're as real as the positives. Good and bad in everything.

Seven years after the divorce, my kids will STILL come home and tell me all of the crap that happened, because they know that I won't over react. And they know that I won't think less of their dad.

Life is what happens while all of the stuff is going on. Don't wish it away.

I think it's great they are seeing the positives this early. Once they start going back and forth they may regress a little, and have some resentment towards you. I know when my mom left my dad for another man (who was also married), at first I really hated her for doing it. In my eyes she destroyed 2 families. Over time I understood why she left though. I had a lot of resentment for my Stepfather too, but today I'm truly thankful for him. I wouldn't be who I am today without him. Just be ready to reassure them when they need it. It's good they have each other to go thru the process with too. Your daughter sounds really sweet, and just wants you to be happy. It's easy to be selfish, and say "why would my parents do this to me/us?" She clearly is empathetic for other people's feelings, and that's the best kind of sister to have! Good luck!

I am struggling with this big time... We have only been seperated for about 4 months now, and i was crushed... I cried I begged, and pray she will have a change of heart... I haven't bad mouthed her at all, my kids are young, 4 and 3, but i have found myself telling them I love them, and I love mommy alot. Im not sure if thats a good thing or not. I will admit a part of me does feel she is destroying a beautiful family... Besides me being completly in love with my wife... another huge part of me wants to make this work for our kids. I do believe they will have everything they need in life, but wont have everything they deserve. Im heart broken, I feel like ive failed my kids and i struggle to make my time with them the happiest they can be. I dont cry in front of them regularly, but i have here or there. I fear there future.... I never wanted to be a part time dad and now I am. It plan old sucks.