Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi,
It has been just a little over 4 months since my wife left for another man. I won't say that he is the central reason she left. I think there were things going on for her and between her and I that caused the initial gap between us. He was just the straw on the camels back and something new and exciting to cling onto.
I am doing ok for the most part. I have maintained limited contact and that has helped a lot.
We have had many ups and downs, namely her taking her bf to my sons kung fu with her one day. I had asked her to leave this as something that I was doing with the kids (I am enrolled with them). Her lack of empathy and caring was surprising when I brought it up again.
After 4 months of dating (4.5 technically because she knew him prior to leaving me) they are going to move in together. He is going to move in with her and my kids at the end of April. Originally they were going to get a place together in June after the kids were done school. I was not surprised by her announcement that they were planning on living together so soon. I expect them to be engaged within a year to a year and a half.
I was doing ok until last week. When we initially broke up I of course creeped his Facebook profile. Now I hadn't looked at his profile in a long time. A friend of mine added me to a stupid group on FB so I used the search bar to go to the page and change the notification settings.
I noticed that he was still in the search list but his picture had changed. Of course I was stupid enough to look and it was him and her at a party looking very merry. This set me back a lot.
Fast forward to last night!
She out of the blue sends me an apology email. I'm not reading into it or psychoanalyzing it. I know it means nothing.
She sent this -
"I take full responsibility for who I was, my actions or lack thereof and my feelings through the last 10 years. I dont know for sure when things started to shift for us, I just know they did.
I get that I could have made a number of different choices along the way and it may have made a difference.
I have a lot of fond memories of the last 10 years. Things I would never take back or change.
I apologize. Not just for my part in our breakup, but for being so disconnected and unfriendly to you since it happened. I get that it has probably left you with the feeling that you never did matter to me, which is not at all accurate.
There is nothing left for us to do to change anything from the past and I apologize for causing you hurt over the last 10 years and in the past 4 months.
I dont expect that you feel any differently about me or anything that has happened. This is just something I wanted to tell you.
Thanks"
I want to respond and tell her that she didn't cause me pain for the whole time we were together and that the only thing she should be sorry for was giving up on us. I haven't and I won't. This email wasn't about me, it was about her. I could make up many reasons why she sent it, but it doesn't matter. Either way it has hit me pretty hard and makes me sad.
This whole thing makes me sad. I know it will get better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I have gotten better even after only 4 months. The crushing pain and sadness has mostly gone away.
I look forward to when it's gone and I can look back at this as another life experience to who I will become.
It has been just a little over 4 months since my wife left for another man. I won't say that he is the central reason she left. I think there were things going on for her and between her and I that caused the initial gap between us. He was just the straw on the camels back and something new and exciting to cling onto.
I am doing ok for the most part. I have maintained limited contact and that has helped a lot.
We have had many ups and downs, namely her taking her bf to my sons kung fu with her one day. I had asked her to leave this as something that I was doing with the kids (I am enrolled with them). Her lack of empathy and caring was surprising when I brought it up again.
After 4 months of dating (4.5 technically because she knew him prior to leaving me) they are going to move in together. He is going to move in with her and my kids at the end of April. Originally they were going to get a place together in June after the kids were done school. I was not surprised by her announcement that they were planning on living together so soon. I expect them to be engaged within a year to a year and a half.
I was doing ok until last week. When we initially broke up I of course creeped his Facebook profile. Now I hadn't looked at his profile in a long time. A friend of mine added me to a stupid group on FB so I used the search bar to go to the page and change the notification settings.
I noticed that he was still in the search list but his picture had changed. Of course I was stupid enough to look and it was him and her at a party looking very merry. This set me back a lot.
Fast forward to last night!
She out of the blue sends me an apology email. I'm not reading into it or psychoanalyzing it. I know it means nothing.
She sent this -
"I take full responsibility for who I was, my actions or lack thereof and my feelings through the last 10 years. I dont know for sure when things started to shift for us, I just know they did.
I get that I could have made a number of different choices along the way and it may have made a difference.
I have a lot of fond memories of the last 10 years. Things I would never take back or change.
I apologize. Not just for my part in our breakup, but for being so disconnected and unfriendly to you since it happened. I get that it has probably left you with the feeling that you never did matter to me, which is not at all accurate.
There is nothing left for us to do to change anything from the past and I apologize for causing you hurt over the last 10 years and in the past 4 months.
I dont expect that you feel any differently about me or anything that has happened. This is just something I wanted to tell you.
Thanks"
I want to respond and tell her that she didn't cause me pain for the whole time we were together and that the only thing she should be sorry for was giving up on us. I haven't and I won't. This email wasn't about me, it was about her. I could make up many reasons why she sent it, but it doesn't matter. Either way it has hit me pretty hard and makes me sad.
This whole thing makes me sad. I know it will get better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I have gotten better even after only 4 months. The crushing pain and sadness has mostly gone away.
I look forward to when it's gone and I can look back at this as another life experience to who I will become.
The kids seem to like him a lot and I agree that as long as he's a good influence and their home is stable that that's all that matters.
Again thanks :)
Got a text last week from my stbx of "I'm really trying hard to be the man I know I can be." Really??? Getting his "need to being happy" met is the man he wants to be and appears he is getting that. But I knew better than to respond as well. Seems when I do he takes it as me saying he is a bad parent, or I must be mad at him, etc Which I'm really not mad or even angry, just hurt. Leaving him alone is me trying to respect his "need" and time to spend with his friend to make him OK.
I cry when I'm in my car like almost every time. I am still in love with her and it will be a while before I pull the pieces of myself together and even longer before I can even imagine myself being vulnerable enough to truly date again.
I co-parent so well because I have to. I have to keep it together for my kids. It's all about them now.
I do appreciate that you seem to think I'm doing so well and for most of it I guess I am. Still feels like a nightmare that I want to wake up from so badly :(
It will be ok though... As the buddhist saying goes... This too shall pass!
She is about herself, her apology in which she takes full responsibility immediate puts the "Shift on us" , that is not taking full responsibility.
The kids come first with her, until they don't.
Nothing positive can come out of moving the boyfriend into the kids house now, the kids should not have to deal with such so early and during their school year. Period!
You can't stop him moving in, and if you could - on the surface you would look like you were being vindictive, because people don't want to think things through.
Divorce sucks for kids, it splits / destroys the only world they ever they ever knew. People don't like to acknowledge that because acknowledging it is true then leads to judgement and Niobe has the spine for that.
So how do you coparent with someone that wants what they wAnt for themselves, and act upon such first and foremost?
Not by deluding yourself.
You do what's best for kids, sadly sometimes that means. That you gotta let her go in the wrong direction, but don't support it, don't weigh in at all at those occasions.
You parent according to the morals, values, and ethics that you believe are "right" and that you hope to see your children live by.
If your wife is not consistent with that, ( I presume she once was ) it is better that the kids get different messages from their parents RATHER than mixed messages from you.
You maintain stability, that is in the kids best interest.
She met him two weeks prior to dumping me. Less than one week after I moved out of the house he was tobogganing with them and took them to White Spot for dinner. Both of which were things we frequently did as a family.
I tried to convince her that I and my counsellor and many other people thought him being around the kids so soon was a bad idea. She has this wonderful way of using confirmation bias to back up her beliefs.
I also agree that this apology was not about me. It was about her appeasing her guilt. When you comment on her shift comment I also agree. She removes her responsibility by using the word "we". We did not shift, she shifted and is putting the blame on us. I of course have some blame in it for sure, it's just not much of an apology when she shifts blame to me during the apology for her mistakes.
I do really think that she shifted, it was long ago and was central too many things I had brought up. Her lack of intimacy, her distance, her nose in her phone or putting the kids needs first. I would bring up these things and it was a pursue/withdrawal pattern. She would say she was trying. Her actions spoke louder than words though.
I also agree that she is thinking very little about the impact on the children or anyone else for that matter. This was another area of grievance for me. She often made choices or did things without realising the impact it had on me. Very little thought put into many things with big impacts.
To be honest I am better off without her. I'm living my life and she is living hers. I would have happily compromised to make the relationship work because I loved her and because we had a family.
The kids are the ones that will pay the price.
So even though you aren't going to respond to her and you will be going through some up's and downs, you can look at her "apology/explanation" as kind of a closure on your end, that is something a lot of us would like in order to heal, some of us have been left hanging wondering why??????
I am a year into my ordeal and I'd like to say I'm healed, but I'm not, I am close but he still gets to me from time to time. Its definitely a roller coaster ride of emotions.
Good luck in your journey and know it does get better with time.