I had opened myself up leaving me vulnerable to others since my ex. and yes, I have felt like a fool because of it. Yes, I have found I am more opt not to trust or open up much anymore. But there are times where I also find that when I am around someone I feel comfortable around, I open up a bit more. Even tho, those have hurt me at times as well, I still find that I have the ability and have taken the chances to allow someone close to me, (whether as a friend or more).

So I don't know if I am just naive and dumb cus I continue to try, or optimistic and hopeful that its possible to find people that will care back.

So...yeh... there are others out there too...

it is good to know

What type do you think you are? optimistic and hopeful. You just know you can't be open to him anymore? Or do you think you just will not allow anyone in anymore?

i can be blindly optimistic but im mostly hopeful. Hope is important to me and doesnt make anyone foolish. I honestly dont know if I know how to let anyone in so its not something I can say with 100% certainty that I will not allow it. I just know I have really bad reaction when I try to do it especially with people who have hurt me.

i try to be open with him but I always have that feeling of ....when is this going to come back to haunt me.

what will it take from them, and you, in order to let someone in?

As for him... I don't ever like to say things are lost causes, but you can try and try till you have to get to a point where you have to make a decision for your own happiness and sanity. Only you know when that time comes and only you hold that power. You have that. You just need to believe in it.

What would it take .....ive really only opened up to three or four people in my life. Im always rejcting them before they can really do it I suppose but in order to let them in I suppose that has a lot to do with being genuine because the world is a lot different than it was even 10 years ago. I just wonder when people stop putting on an act in the stage of life and are truly genuine people. I know sometimes life has to be that way.
I sometimes know I have that power and other days I am unsure.

i waited

and waited

i learned this aspect through therapy during and after my last abusive relationship

that i had a tendency to want to take the reins and try to control every aspect of my life, to feel empowered and NOT vulnerable to injury anymore

it was a learned behaviour, a defense mechanism against what was happening to me

but my therapist helped me learn patience, by listening to and respecting my heart's and body's needs

rather than trying to work against them in what i THOUGHT was best

and so i became the master at waiting...just being, and waiting

until desires or needs came bubbling up from within me, rather than what my head wanted (does any of this make sense or am i explaining it in a way that sounds new-agey?)

only just last year did men start looking beautiful to me again, and when i met someone who seemed so solid, confident, wise and compassionate, did i feel, hmm how do i say this, a willingness and desire to get close, and *reveal*, be open, be vulnerable, build a trust bond...it just all felt so natural

do you ever feel like you are trying to will something to be a certain way?

I understood and I like for things to happen naturally myself. I do find that I like to try to remove obastacles that are in my way but sometimes lifes design has other ideas and it leaves me frustrated a lot of times...so I suppose i do try to will things to go the direction i would like to see them go but I also have the knowledge that some things are beyond my control and throwing my hands up on the ride of my life is like asking me to eat glass for breakfast.....but I do have those times of tranquility and they are awesome.

"is like asking me to eat glass for breakfast"

hahaha, that is the BEST description of the experience I have ever heard !! boy do I know exactly what youre saying !

((hugs))

:-)....and dont forget the shot of tobasco after you finish that glass.....;-).....because its not enough that its a life requirement that you to get cut and bruised mentally or physically....you also have to feel the burn all the while trying to figure out.....what was the purpose of it all......and I guess adversity is something we just all have to overcome at some point of our lives but placing value on ourselves in the midst of turmoil seems to defeat some if not the majority who have to endure it.

what do you mean?

I just mean in life you have to endure things you really dont want to surcumb yourself to in the first place....death being one of those (or the death of a marriage). The shot of tobasco repesented reality. I think some cases people leave their spouses because they began to be reminded that they are getting older so they want to feel youthful again (its just a hunch though)......hence the midlife crisis. Those who have gone through abuse (even if its just verbal).....have to find there way out of a fog and once the point comes where you emerge from this fog......I personally have a hard time figuring out what the purpose was of it. Why was it neccessary that I go through it so to speak. You have to understand something...as a kid I lived very isolated and away from people....perhaps the analogy I was raised by animals really does fit the situation.....but I witnessed things like my dad having a shot gun pulled on him so this is where a lot of this comes from as do some of my observations on life.

and the value we place on ourselves seems to defeat what?

(sorry, thats the part i didnt quite understand)

oh ok...say someone experiences abuse.....they endure it a lot of times because in that turmoil they were shown what they were worth to someone else .....so a lot of times the low self esteem defeats you....some people fail to place the correct value on themselves and there well being and tend to make a lot of mistakes because of it.....thats is what I meant by defeat......they make their worth about someone else because....its about needing the acceptance......