Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This has been a very exhausting week. My husband finally called and we talked last Sat night. I felt so much better. I found out what happened and how I hurt him. That took away the punching bag feeling I had in my stomach and allowed me to deal with the problem. He said he also felt better and wanted to keep talking. Unfortunately the next talk we had I found out that he's talking because he thinks I need to know what he's feeling to deal with this. Not so we can work this out. Now I'm left trying to figure out if I should give this some time and keep talking or give up because I'm the only one working on this to fix it. He's just working on it to resolve it. Not in a good way. I asked him if he thought there was a chance and he said at the moment no but that he couldn't say he wouldn't change his mind after some time. The problem with that is, I know how feelings work. They don't get resolved with time. They get resolved with confronting them. What to do... I remember a few times during our marriage when he told me about a relationship he severed, really turned his back and never looked back, over a mistake the other person made. Logically that would be a signal to just let this go and move on. But I know what we have when there isn't any pain and it's so rare and special. So... do I stick it out and see if I can make the man grow up and face the bad part of a relationship? I know how hard that is. We're both pretty intelligent but have a hard time letting emotions have the time they deserve. I think he could learn to face his anger and hurt. I'm just wondering if it's worth the chance to fail if I put that much time and energy into it. At least he's talking and telling me how he feels. I so wish we were together so we could go to counseling. I even asked him if he weren't on the other side of the country if he would go to counseling with me and he said yes. People don't usually agree to counseling and talk about their feelings when they're done. Of course he may be doing it all for me.
So this is me when I ramble :)
So this is me when I ramble :)
do you stick it out and see if YOU can make this man grow up and face things? i dont know. is that enough for you? what if he doesnt face it? because you cant MAKE someone face anything. they have to want to. its not your responsibility to make this man grow up. he is a man. if he wants to grow up he will. if he doesnt then what will you do? people dont change unless they want to. if you are staying around thinking you can make him change, then i think you are wasting your time. you deserve more than that.
hes agreeing to go to counseling because he is so far away. if he was here its highly unlikely you would be able to get him to go. i dont know this for sure, but you will never know because he is protected by the big "what if you were here" and since hes not, he doesnt have to go so he can say whatever you want to hear.
do you want to be the only one working on this to fix it? even tho there are 2 of you in the relationship? is that enough for you? is it enough for you to be the only one to work on it if he doesnt decide to change? i know you want it to be different- all of us on here wanted it to be - but speaking from experience, there was not anything i could work on enough, pray about enough, do enough, turn inside out enough for to make my now exhusband change. and now i resent the fact that i spent that time (when i KNEW better) to try to make the relationship work when he was expecting ME to do all the changing and work involved. i wont ever get that time back.
its not fun to be alone. but you have to decide what your value is. and what you are willing to tolerate. hes not going to change. what reason does he have to? you arent alone.
Here's a quote I read last night:
"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others." ~~Jacob M. Braude
I don't know your story....I only know my own of staying with a man nearly five years after his admission of multiple infidelities....it has been water through a sieve which has frittered away financial fortunes and years of my life.
I wouldn't advise it.
Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. See if the description fits your husband.
What does your gut tell you?
What do YOU want?
My husband would prefer that I spend my entire precious life dwelling in the cesspool of him and his complicated feelings. I am one of the most sensitive people I know, but I want to go off with my daughter and blow bubbles and celebrate life.
here is what is going on:
husband has left the marriage. husband is adjusting to his abandonment of said marriage but is waffling on his decision. he needs a close friend to discuss these things with. said husband, instead of discussing these things with a friend, has instead decided to unload on the one person in the whole world he should not be dumping on and that is you, his heartbroken abandoned wife.
he want you, of all people, to be his counselor.
said wife, you, are in so much shock and abandoned, that you are grasping at straws in attempts to save the day and your marriage. you are obviously the strong one, the problem solver who always manages to fix things despite your own personal needs.
said wife has agreed that it is ok to set you up for failure. that you will listen to him vent his thoughts and feelings not only as a loving wife but as an understanding counselor.
you have been set up. you are being, ahem, mind fucked. this is what we call it on this side of the tracks.
said wife needs to tell said husband to either get his ass home, man up, and get into counseling with you; or, stay the hell away and pay whatever the courts decide that a chickenshit fleeing ex-husband should pay the woman that he professed to love forever but has now abandoned.
the odds are very much against you two reuniting. he has taken several big steps away from you and the marriage. right now, from him, talk means absolutely nothing. his actions speak volumes about where he stands.
it is time to be grounding yourself, discussing this with your closest family and friends, getting a lawyer, and thinking about how best to move on from here, especially financially.
lots of us have gotten the old soft shoe treatment from abandoning mates. listen to us!
i'm sorry to be blunt. just know that i and everyone else here, care about you and want you to get through this as good as possible.
What I was saying before is, I don't know if it's too late because he said he is doing all this talking so that I know what happened and can heal. Not so we can work things out.