Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Working things out or am I leading her on.

Channie1126
Channie1126
After trying for six months to 'stick with it' after a fairly large betrayal I left left my wife/partner of 10 years a little over a week ago. Though she knew things were bad since then, me asking for the 'trial separation' came to her as a shock.

She wants so bad for us to work and everyone keeps telling me if I don't try everything in my power to save my marriage, I will regret it for the rest of my life. So I agreed to move back in next week.

The issue is that I feel in my gut and heart that we are over. The only thing pushing me to stay is my head telling me you can't just leave a marriage of 10 years, turn our two kids worlds upside, and make mince meat of a life which for the most part was pretty good, without trying a little longer.

Knowing that is how I feel going back to the house, am I really in a place to work things out or am I just leading her own and dragging out the inevitable.

NOTE: I told her exactly how i felt while we were negotiating me coming back. Her response is wants the opportunity to try to change that.
serenityspeaks
serenityspeaks
if I was you I would of consider staying separated then trying to work it out. Thats what we are doing but we live separate and if we decide I mean both not just one then we would live together otherwise go our separate ways....You have to decide what you want if you really dont want to work it out it won't work. I dont like people guilting others into staying because often it won't work. Now that being said 10 years is a long time do you really want to divorce and never be with her ever again? Not sure what your issues are but wishing you guys luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Its not easy to break up a marriage of so many years and I commend you on your decision to try to give yourself a chance, serenity is right it might be good to do this while separated because if you are doing it alone it might not be done right and you are already resentful for the betrayal, so the distance might give you a reason to date and pick up all the special things you did for each other 10 years ago, if you decide to do it living together I would suggest you get professional help, they can help with the hurt and how to communicate without hurting each other. I wish you all the luck in the world.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hey Channie, you've been given some solid advice by Serenity and Chula - work through this while living apart. Get counselling and don't forget the children! Feelings of hurt take time to get over, if you move in you and your wife could well end up sliding back into the routine of marriage and the repairs to the marriage end up sliding away but the damage remains, only pushed deeper. The relationship has taken some damage - it needs help. Living together and working on it will end up being a pressure-pot situation, I think. Give yourselves time and space to work it through. Your feelings may change once you've processed things, right now, you're moving back in following a negotiation - lots of room for resentment over this in a few years. People do make mistakes, forgiveness is an option, but it's a tough ride first.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with everyone else. Try your best to save your marriage especially since she is willing to work at it. However, keep in mind that kids know more than you think so the kids probably are in pain because the household is not a happy one. I am all for doing EVERYTHING within your power before anyone walks away. Maybe even try "starting over" by dating all over again and getting to know one another again because we all grow and change over time. Best wishes!
deleted_user
deleted_user
You shouldn't run back too fast in my opinion, The betrayer needs to think and realize there are consequences for their actions.
I don't mean don't work on it. I think it's totally worth working on if you do. But don't be a fool like I was, I lost her anyway after a long time together since we were kids.
It's hard but you can do this and make the best choice for you.
Channie1126
Channie1126
Thank you everyone for your heart felt advice. The idea of putting my heart back into our relationship terrifies me. I have done it, so many times before. This last time I really felt we had made so much progress. I had started gaining the trust and respect that our relationship had been lacking only to have it taken away in one simple act of stupidity and immaturity. I am past anger now, just sadness. I know I need to work it out for me, for her, for the kids...It is just a lot to come back from.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Me and husband separated a few years back for two years. During this time we dated, got counselling, etc. This is something HE said he wanted to do even though he would hang out and exclude me from nights out with other people. So we finally did get back together and all was well.....for a few months. Then he started making me feel like I was the last person on his list of priorities. Plus he started drinking again and being a huge ass. I eventually told him to get the heck out as I couldn't live that way any more. He left. Within two months, he files the divorce papers and says, "You were right. We should have never gotten back together in the first place." That comment hurt like hell. I tried because I thought maybe it could have worked. I feel like I wasted time I could have been grieving and getting over my failed marriage. If you aren't feeling it.....then I'm not sure it's a good idea to try it.
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