((squeezing you tight))

I was actually just reading about something similar to this in my CBT book (CBT = Cognitive Behavior Therapy):

What you're doing right now is runimating on the words that your ex-husband used and how they hurt you and you are hurting yourself by doing so. One of the ways to combat ruminations is through "Thought Stopping". As the name implies you are quite literally STOPPING yourself from thinking about it by forcibly moving your thoughts to a different subject. The text that I'm reading right now recommends that you prepare a fantasy for yourself to think about instead.

I don't that that PARTICULAR strategy as it may encourage delusions in certain personalities, but forcing yourself to think about something else isn't a bad idea. I suggest reading a book or playing a game or planning what you're going to do tomorrow, or on your day off from work, etc.

some Six Sigma practices with lean management instruct employees and employers to ask WHY? five timesin solving a problem They conclude that after 5 times asking WHY?, an answer to the question reveals itself.

Take a statement he abused you with, and ask why does it still burn, why did you feel it ok to receive the abuse at the onset, why did you decide enough was enough, why are there times it still is painful, why do you still process the past.

I have no idea of the torment you faced, allow me if you will to answer why? looking from the outside in.

Why does it still burn, your trust, your values were tainted by what you felt should, could have been,
Why did you accept the abuse at the onset, you chose to rather than create a scene, drama, letting your values and trust become more diminshed
Why did you decide enough is enough, you felt it inside you, you knew you were worthy of so much more than what was being offered or forced upon you
Why is it still painful, each learning lesson comes with significant sacrifice, still painful to know there was time that could have been better used.
Why do you still process the past, we learn from our experiences, our history so as to make our future a better place for our trust and values.

Tough to read, maybe to stern, and JMO, still much of it rings true for me, and if you can look into it peacefully, it might show true to you.

It's because when you hear the same negative comment everyday over so many years you start to believe it. I dealt with it for eight years. After hearing how worthless I was, how stupid I was, and how I always messed everything things up, I started to see myself in the same light. When he cheated it was because I wasn't pretty enough or I didn't do something I should have done. I still say sorry for everything and take the blame on myself. When things don't work out like they are supossed to, I still think it's because of something wrong with me or something I did. I just started seeing a therapist, and I was told I needed reprograming in sense..through everything he said or did he kind of train me to think that way. But for me it gets a little easier to shed his words or opinions of me the longer I'm away from him.

this gave me goose bumps - i too am being reflective tonite - the word you used, processing, is probably closer to the truth.

what do we do with the words? as logical and rational as i try to be, as unhealthy and mentally unwell as i know he is and how thankful i am to be away from that, why are the words still there? why do they linger? is it better that i am remembering the negative words than the postive ones? or were there just so many more of those? i dont know.

i am sorry you are hurting. i can tell by the posts you have made that you have moved on, and i am sorry that these words are lingering. i wish i had a magic wand to take them away for all of us - please know that you are not alone in this. sending some gentle ((hugs)) your way. xoxo

sidestep them. no negative image, word, thought, or deed can stop you. do not bother to engage because it is not needed. you are free as a bird. simply keep walking peacefully forward about your business.

i get sentences in my mind at times. statements that my ex said that i did not challenge. i did not deflect the arrow well at the time and now it will bounce around in there for awhile as i get back up to full strength.

Hugs!!!! Maybe it's the moon....IDK, tonight stuff is getting to me too.

You're so strong most of the time. I'm glad to be able to give you a silly internet hug for one of the rare times that you're not!

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your insight into this. I suppose it isnt making a whole lot of sense to me these days when that voice goes into my head. I am trying to sidestep them...but Faithful, as you said..these were all things I didnt challenge. How do you challenge some things that are said?

These were some of the statements:

"You are the last person I want to wake up to in the morning. I dont want to look at your ugly face or talk to you"

"You only stay with me because you cant get anyone else"

"variety is the spice of life" (when confronted on his infidelity)

I could go on for days..but I cant and wont.

I left him 5 years ago when I learned he got another woman pregnant and was on another 'binge" He was away on military business for 6 weeks. He ended up shacking up with the bar maid (how appropriate for an alcoholic) for about a month and blew through SEVERAL thousand $$ on his drink and drug binge. I had enough. There was nothing left in me to keep going on. I stayed too long.. wanting so desperately to keep my family together. Dont get me wrong, I really am grateful for his little "trip" because it allowed me to get away from him. He was 800 miles away and that was the only time I felt safe. I packed up my kid and his belongings, my clothes, and we were off. Had he not been "away" Im not sure I would have been able to leave.

Anyways... I just want the sentence remover for days like these!!

I understand exactly what you're saying. When my xgf dumed me, she did so with an incredibly harsh barrage of accusations, all of which were untrue, however they still hurt coming from the one I loved. Even now when my mind replays them I can hear the volume, pitch and anger in her voice.

Over the course of the relationship she also said some things that just didn't need to be said. There was no point aside from pointing out a difference between us over some very trivial things, and portraying them in a negative way. Just because she thought differently or would have done something differently.

Yes, words are powerful, and if there's no point in being harsh aside from being harsh, it's beter to leave those words unsaid. I guess some folks are just so self-absorbed they can't keep their thoughts to themselves, even if those thoughts will hurt someone.

I think it's normal and natural to replay these painful episodes in our heads. At least for me as time goes by it reinforces just how wrong she was for me. It tells me more about her than me. Now that I think about it and based on how I reacted (or didn't) it does tell me lots about myself too, and I'm content.

In meditation there's a technique called mindfulness. While many think the goal of meditation is to have a completely blank mind, that's not the case. Thoughts will pop into our heads, but the trick is to be a passive observer of our thoughts. Don't engage them. Know they are there, observe them, and then just pull the mind back to the focus of the meditation.

Out thoughts are there for a reason. We shouldn't try to supress or deny them, but understand them.

I don't know what it is after having been in relationships like this. You stay away for so many years, do the therapy, the healing, you crawl your way back to a normal life, and feeling like a normal person again finally, and little things come back, whether theyre triggered by something, or come up in a dream, or float into our awareness again.

I used to have them come up every minute or couple of minutes as part of my ComplexPTSD, but after treatment for that, like you, things come up every once in awhile.

I notice as I get closer and closer to being ready to date and be open for another relationship, I remember things he said, not about me (he was too smart and cunning for that), but about men, and fidelity and how honour and integrity are for shmucks (so I'm a shmuck obviously) and everybody lies etc etc and his voice saying those things pollute my headspace, and my world view for days at a time, leaving me feeling disheartened about the cruelty and lack of kindness in this world.

I don't know what to offer you. I'd like to tell you I do the same thing that someone suggested about pushing those thoughts out of my head, but as much as I try, somehow, in someway, it's sort of like a viral infection. I can't will the thoughts away, they're embedded. Even when I don't consciously think them, I seem to be dragging them around.

My hope is time...just more and more time which allows "evidence to the contrary" be the antibiotic for the infection, yanno?

That the more I allow myself to experience kind people, kind relationships, the more antibodies I'll build against what he said to me.

You have someone now who thinks you're beautiful. So your evidence to the contrary is slowly building already.

Keep your eye on that if you can.

((hugs))

i like the combo of what just a simpleguy said and what joy said.
its amazing how even without fully realizing they are there, they are still there. under the surface. and it is like a viral infection. i can go along thinking i am doing quite well managing my life and it just slams me. i had to have a friend talk me down recently from the rafters when i got a very poor grade on one of my pharma tests. i remember standing out in the parking lot crying and screeching about how i needed to leave nursing school, matt was right - i am in ept. i am not a good student. i am laughable. i am a joke. i am second best. just flooded in on me. its not rational. and yet its still there.

and i want to face things head on. i want to be healthy and deal with them. and even if i didnt, they are still right there. and i agree - how you react or dont react tells you about you - and i feel more content today about me than i did a year ago. im guessing thats progress.

i hate that its simply going to take more time. i didnt even tie in the ptsd issues joy - i dont know why. that does tie into it to doesnt it? why would i think it would be any different? i had ptsd- and i still see it in my life in little ways almost every day - so why would i think that my relationship with a verbally abusive/financially abusive man would be any different? it will take time. more time. yippiee.

thanks again for taking the time to share this - xoxo

Words are powerful indeed - some of the things my H said are burnt in my mind, never to go away, I started to believe some of them and I was on a cocoon for a long time but at the same time those same words pushed me to "change", somehow they pushed me to be better, as I try to prove him wrong I was making myself better.
Their words are still lingering but we are not - we are better and stronger!!!

when i think it through and process past the feelings and memory triggers, i see a scared woman. a woman who complained because she was scared and needed my reassurance.

but, complaining is a lousy way to problem solve. it makes the complainer appear to be a nag instead of a person who wants to solve problems WITH you.