Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Wife went ballistic. I asked her once if she was going to be working out while on vacation. Here are the basic rules for the uninformed.
1. Criticism Women are allowed to suggest/criticize their husbands about how much they earn, where the couple lives, how he dresses, and a host of other things. Her comments are perceived a pleasant and well-intentioned help.
2. Once married, women frequently gain weight. The rules are clear. She will go through the facade of a diet, periodically eating a salad with cheese, meat, heavy dressing etc. She can say diets do not work and her girlfriends will agree.
3. Once she gains the weight, she will decide a solution is to reduce sex, not let her husband see her naked. Interestingly she will not criticize him less but may decide that remaking him is a better task than changing herself.
4. While diets do not work for wives, they do for the newly divorced. Knowing men like a trim woman, she will drop 30-40 pounds in a serious routine. Now that she feels better about herself, she will feel comfortable doing things on a fourth date she doesn't do with the husband of 15 years.
1. Criticism Women are allowed to suggest/criticize their husbands about how much they earn, where the couple lives, how he dresses, and a host of other things. Her comments are perceived a pleasant and well-intentioned help.
2. Once married, women frequently gain weight. The rules are clear. She will go through the facade of a diet, periodically eating a salad with cheese, meat, heavy dressing etc. She can say diets do not work and her girlfriends will agree.
3. Once she gains the weight, she will decide a solution is to reduce sex, not let her husband see her naked. Interestingly she will not criticize him less but may decide that remaking him is a better task than changing herself.
4. While diets do not work for wives, they do for the newly divorced. Knowing men like a trim woman, she will drop 30-40 pounds in a serious routine. Now that she feels better about herself, she will feel comfortable doing things on a fourth date she doesn't do with the husband of 15 years.
In my case, I am the same weight for the past 25 years.
STBX is also the same weight as she was since HS.
She gained about 10 lbs about 5 years ago, and I actually liked the extra weight on her.
Perhaps I would feel differently if it were a significant gain.
If one or the other is unhappy about the others weight....it's fine to share it provided it's done diplomatically and in a supportive way.
Wait.. maybe I should be posting this to the 'healthy sex' forum... huh?
It has a lot to do with self esteem, if you don't have it then it doesn't matter how many people tell you that you are beautiful you will not believe it. Not wanting to have sex is about not feeling good about yourself but it is also about losing that connection to the person you are with. It could be more than her not feeling good about herself, she may know very well that you don't really like the way she looks. I say that only because you seem very angry that she gained weight after you were married, sort of seems like you think she did it just to make you mad lol. I believe that you have some issues to work out- you will only be able to find happiness when you learn to let the past go and not play the blaming/hating game. Life can have some pretty drastic changes- you get married, have children, are working full time, trying to run a house, raise children, do all the daily things- sometimes it is very hard to fit a work out into all of that. People are so busy they end up not being able to take the time to cook the healthier meals etc. and then of course is the fact that our bodies change as we get older. If I went to my high school reunion I doubt that any of us would look the same, the women are chunkier, some of the men are too or maybe just a little bit balder! (not picking on the bald guys- don't take offence) just saying that MOST of us change that's all.
So you can only imagine MY shock when he ran off with a woman who I will forever refer to as "Sausage Patty!"
Since the divorce, and with the help of an excellent therapist, I have finally learned that is is OK TO EAT!
Five years and 13 pounds later, I am happier and healthier than I EVER was during my 30-year relationship with that jackass!
First, my marriage is very important. I can post, but as somewhat avoiding divorce.
Secondly, you cannot change people. Ultimately you have to accept people even as they change. It is not a storybook marriage; everything is not perfect. Democracy is the worst system of government except for all the others.
You have to be realistic about what to expect, and your own frailties. The comparison is not between a perfect marriage and what you have; it is between what you would have without your wife or husband. Sometimes people end up divorcing and find their new situation worse and the new idealized person no better than the old. The salesman asked how are the people in this town. The farmer answered, how were the people in the town you left. Well these people are about the same.
In the end, this deepened my appreciation of my marriage and I realized I was basically wrong. At least in our case, my wife accepts most of my idiosyncracies and even if she did not, you cannot mold someone into what you want them to be.
The irony. . .his skank ho/now wife easily weighs about 175 lbs.
I have discovered since he left, I have kept my weight down. No stress eating because of his verbal/emotional abuse.
I never made any comments to her about her weight. That having been said, she outweighed me for the last six years of our marriage and she is 5'-10" tall. She used MY weight gain as one of the "excuses" for wanting a divorce. Turns out she was projecting and since our divorce has dropped about 100 lbs and practically starves herself. The kids are worried and tell me that she eats very little and frequently "throws-up" the stuff she does eat.
Accept yourself for who you are. If you don't like yourself, do what is necessary to change for YOUR benefit. Don't change for someone else.
Just my $0.02