Sitting at my desk asking myself that question right now... I'm such an idiot. Like i really am. I broke NC after 5 days, been going back and forth arguing with this idiot about him cheating and he still denying it. Reason i say i'm an idiot is because the fighting became so redundant...and the roller coaster of emotions just had me all over the place. Per my post on Sunday, he reached out, i ignored him. At least i tried to...when i couldnt anymore i broke contact and called him. He didnt answer, his phone went to voicemail...i called twice and text him. I then got a call hours later from him claiming he was busy working...not sure how you can be that busy you cant even answer the phone to say you're busy. But whatever...so we ended up arguing back and forth. Fast forward to last night he called me again to talk...he definitely tried to make me feel guilty for going through his phone as if that's worse than cheating!! We ended up talking till almost 2am pretty much about the same thing. Him being a lying cheating, scumbag, garbage, despicable being of a human. We ended the convo with him saying he loves me and he wants us to be okay. Here's where the dumb me comes into play...i was feeling so downtrodden and because i'm so used to it when he says goodnight i love you i said i love you too. The moment i said it i wished i could take it back; i felt horrible. I had to pray... but a small part of me thought well how can 2 people who love each other as much as we do cant make this work?? so this morning when i got up to get ready for work i was still feeling disgusted with myself. I text him saying i shouldnt have said those 4 words last night; i feel like a fool. You dont deserve me to love you. Of course he didnt respond. He responded to me later in the morning because i text him something money related claiming he forgot his phone in the office (LIES!!) he was just ignoring my msg.

Here i go again being dumb and started thinking well maybe he is sorry and maybe this happened for a reason so things can change on both our parts. With that thought in mind i decided to call the bank and check his transactions over the past week. when i heard the first transaction from the automated system my heart nearly sunk. It was a transaction for a restaurant on sunday. So obviously when i was returning his call on sunday that's where he was. But you're talking to me about "saving us" and here you are STILL cheating on me!! granted i have made your life a living hell this past week but you did that!! you made the decision to cheat!

After i calmed down and reasoned within myself i had a honest talk with myself saying what did you expect?? There were signs there that you chose to ignore for years; you chose to overlook so many things because you thought that love would overcome it all!

What i'm struggling with the most right now is the realization that maybe this man never loved me and how could i not have seen that. Or maybe he did but he fell out of love...when did that happen? how did i not see that happening? I'm struggling with the fact that i clearly saw something in "us" that i thought we both saw...but obviously it was just me. I'm struggling with the fact that i said i would never let anyone in to my heart again after being hurt before and he bulldozer his way in...i let go of all my inhibitions for this man. How is it so easy for you to just lie to me? and continuously cheat? It clearly was about our business deals to him...me helping him to make money; that's the reason he stayed; the potential that he had to make money; so he figured i'll keep stringing her along until we make this money.

I know it's still early stages and i know i have to go through this, but it makes me wonder if i will ever be happy again; i cant even look in the mirror and smile. i have to fake it around my family and business associates. I have no appetite; i have so much work to do and my brain cant even focus on getting it done. Idk if i will ever be able to laugh or smile from within again...