You are not pathetic. You are hurting and that's called human. If she's struggling with her identity that's her issue. If you want to stop thinking about her then start thinking about yourself then start thinking about others. Seek counseling for yourself. There is nothing you can do to make her love you but you can love yourself. Love is a choice, for her and you. Starting thinking about what boundaries you should be setting while she is trying to find herself. Think about other people who still need your guidance and support. Think of ways to help others who may be dealing with issues that you pray you never have to face in this lifetime. The world still needs your love.

Join the club. I'm at home while she's out with friend(s). This has been par for the course the past several weekends now. I'm at home watching Discovery Channel while she's out discovering her new self.
This sucks but there's really nothing we can do now. They made a decision to do what they're doing and we need to understand and unfortunately accept that. Someday I hope to feel psychologically well enough to start hanging out with friends.

What about your identity? Is it there with you or out with her? What do you think you can you do to bring it back to you? I only ask because sometimes the pain is overwhelming to the point that we cannot fully enjoy our lives so it important to alliviate the pain. The only way to do this is find our identity and make ammends with how we feel about the situation we find ourselves to be in regarding divorce. I hope you find comfort and are able to enjoy your night.

I went through the same thing until she finally moved out
Permanently
I still find it hard to be out enjoying myself

@Charliegirl - My identity for the past 14 years has been this family. That might be (allow me the might please) going away. So my identity as a father is still somewhat intact. I say somewhat because parenting has always been a team effort. We have always appreciated the strengths each brings. I do admit she is more critical of any perceived flaws now, though. Anyway, of course my identity is being questioned and dismantled right before my eyes. Any efforts I would attempt at this point to form new friendships or interests would be both stale and desperate at the same time. "Hello, I need a friend and someone to get me out of the house. Will you be my friend?" sigh I know you have only the best intentions and I truly appreciate your attempt to guide me as I am lost. Right now 1+1 no longer makes 2 so nothing makes sense to me. Might be the fact that I kept waking up last night wanting to touch her while she was sleeping next to me. New scenes of how it will be as a future grandfather to any babies her children may have. These children have been as mine for 80% of their lives. Will I fade away and not be included? I guess there is a chance I'll lose that identity I've always dreamt of.

I know I'm rambling and a mess. Thanks for being there.

That is why you need to see a therapist/ counsellor
and join a support group

I agree with my only identity is the wife of that principal, coach...mom of ....I'm struggling to and always have our children. The needing me that my youngest provides is comforting to me. The thought of him eventually maybe wanting to leave and growing into a teenager, not wanting mom around scares me. I'm in no shape to be a friend and burned by a few claiming to be friends.
From another post you had, I bought the audio of Mort Fertel marriage fitness and signed up for emails when trying to save my marriage. My stbx was way gone prior to saying anything &not interested in fixing. But great ideas and not expensive. I have and still feel the pain your going through. Hugs and prayers to all of us suffering.

what about turning on some music, low lights, glass of your favorite drink, and just sit back and close your eyes and chill. cus listen, the thoughts are going to be there regardless. It takes time for the sting of them dissipate.

Depending on the mood I'm in, I can go from doing that to just watching some funny movie or show. May take awhile to get in to it, but usually I find I am watching the show/movie.

Actually I completely understand your position. Whether or not my gender plays a role. Its ackward making friendships after a divorce or during one. The point is to involve yourself in activities thaat do not revolve around it. You tell yourself...this part of the day im not going to think about this bs and im going to have fun. Set it aside for yourself and enjoy it.

You are not pathetic. You are hanging on to the last string in hope for the marriage not to end. I suggest that you focus on you and not waiting for your wife to rediscover herself.

@chitownbear - You advice sounds so good to me and I hope to get to the point to enjoy that. I haven't listened to music intentionally this entire time. I'm just not there yet. I find myself thinking I'd enjoy relaxing with a drink, but I'm really not even a causal drinker. The sports (especially Supercross) and shows (I'm a sci-fi nerd) that used to really interest me are sale. My mind cannot focus on them. I love reading to escape but can't go more than a couple pages before putting it down. Hopefully I can get this under control.

@charliegirl - I just don't know how to start. For some strange reason I'm actually scared to. I feel my situation is written all over my face. Surely there is a vibe around me and others can even smell the pain emanating from me. I will not let myself wallow but I'm constantly dealing with this bs, as you say.

@murphytor... - I feel ya, and wish I had time and money to follow your suggestions. I plan on attending DivorceCare but winter weather has prevented it so far.

@loosing - Thank you for the support and especially the hug, something I'm in dire need of. Bless you.

My wife actually stayed home last night, what a shocker! Home on a weekend evening? First time in a month she did this! She then told me she had a stomach bug and asked if I can go to the store to pick up a few things. I had nothing really going on so it wasn't a big deal, plus it gave me a reason to get out of the house and not be sad about being around her, knowing she wants a divorce.
Got home, gave her what she wanted me to buy and went in my room. An hour later, she came in the room to wash her face then started to talk about her day, her family drama in San Diego and to talk in general. I don't know what it is, perhaps I'm finally getting sick of her shit or I'm just ready to move on, I just told her that I'm tired and don't want to talk. She said, ok and left the room. Did I feel bad for this? Actually, it made me feel great in that I can be the one to disengage in conversation and wanting to spend time with her. I actually didn't want to be close to her, talking to her or even be in the same room with her.

Anyway, I decided to go out this morning, run some of MY own errands and just be out of the house, away from her. Seeing her at home and small talking with her has become annoying to me (at least it was last night). I guess I've reached my limit on how much I will let her be manipulative and just heartless of how she became with my emotions.

Hopefully this new feeling lasts, as it feels much better than being sad, lonely and wallowing in self pity.

Tailspin that's what happened to me, after my ex dropped her hammer on me we lived together for 3 weeks but after that I told her to go to her mothers which is only a couple miles away so there wasn't a problem, for me anyways lol. Too many mixed signals and chit chatting like all was fine just got to be too much. It was after she finally left is when some real healing began. Yeah it sucked but the illusion of normalcy was way too confusing. She would come in the bedroom and want to chat about this or that like your stbx. Thy want conversation and a shoulder to cry on or some other emotional support yet they don't want YOU. Better to cut that cord ASAP!

wake up!
she is happy finding herself ( a bullshit line)
while watching you, pushing you, towards despair,
she most likely has a boyfiend and is calculating how to push you towards despair

nice girl, nope, it is sad but don't be a dope

I know you guys are just trying to help and are advising me based or your experiences. I truly can appreciate that. But does that always mean the one wanting to separate yet doesn't want a divorce is a piece of shit that only wants to find someone else while watching me suffer for entertainment? This woman is flawed, NO DOUBT, but so am I. Neither has been unfaithful, but I've been boring and have not made efforts to make her happy in the ways she has needed in the past. I have taken for granted that my deep love and the efforts I have made should have been enough. Obviously I was wrong. I want her to get her head and heart on straight and find that love for me. Status quo is not going to do it. Maybe separation will. It sucks BIGTIME and I am hurt and confused. But she deserves my respect and effort to make this better. Please understand where I'm coming from and that my wife is not your ex's or stbx's.