Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My wife and I have been married 12 years. We have three beautiful kids age 6 to 11. We have built a beautiful household. I work full time and have side jobs in the evenings and weekends. My wife is a stay at home mom.
Every few months we get into an argument where she is unhappy about the amount of emotional support that I provide her. She says that I don't provide enough help with the household, the kids and that I don't support her, ground her and help her grow. During these conversations, I feel genuinely guilty that I'm letting her down. I try to do better, but we end up having the conversation again a few weeks or months later.
Recently, she has told me that she is done and she wants a divorce. I asked her to go to counseling with me, but she refuses, believing that I cannot change my personality. Additionally, she believes that I never truly loved her because if I did, I would have been supportive and done all those things that she says I do not do. She has told me there is no chance for reconciliation.
She has asked that I move out while continuing to pay the bills, but my income will not support two households. She suggested that I move in with some friend, maybe for six months or a year. At the end of that time, if I can accept that our marriage is over, then I can move back into the house and we can live together as friends, raising our kids together. However, we would be legally separated and would be free to date other people and have relationships. Eventually, when her or myself find someone new, we would sell the house and go our own ways. Hopefully the kids will be older by then. She suggests that this would be the best scenario for the kids. She has offered other variations to this theme, but all end with us going our own ways in a few years.
I pointed out that the move would only cause me to burn my savings on a second household, which would still eventually lead to divorce. My suggestion is that I would stay in the house and support the house while she begins her career again. This might mean after school care for the kids, so it will give them time to adjust to that. Finally, it will give us time to prepare the house for sale. In a year or two, when she's able to stand on her own two feet, the kids are more adjusted, and the house is ready to sell, then we can sign divorce papers and go our own ways. And who knows what might happen between us in the two years.
She rejected that suggestion and said that I was being selfish and not thinking of the best interest of the children. Later, she seemed to accept my suggestion. Still later, she said that she might just "pull off the bandaid" and move out with the kids to go live with her mother.
I love my wife and I don't want to lose her or devastate the family, but it seems like she is giving me no choices. I feel totally rudderless. Not sleeping. Can't keep focused at work.
Thanks for listening.
Every few months we get into an argument where she is unhappy about the amount of emotional support that I provide her. She says that I don't provide enough help with the household, the kids and that I don't support her, ground her and help her grow. During these conversations, I feel genuinely guilty that I'm letting her down. I try to do better, but we end up having the conversation again a few weeks or months later.
Recently, she has told me that she is done and she wants a divorce. I asked her to go to counseling with me, but she refuses, believing that I cannot change my personality. Additionally, she believes that I never truly loved her because if I did, I would have been supportive and done all those things that she says I do not do. She has told me there is no chance for reconciliation.
She has asked that I move out while continuing to pay the bills, but my income will not support two households. She suggested that I move in with some friend, maybe for six months or a year. At the end of that time, if I can accept that our marriage is over, then I can move back into the house and we can live together as friends, raising our kids together. However, we would be legally separated and would be free to date other people and have relationships. Eventually, when her or myself find someone new, we would sell the house and go our own ways. Hopefully the kids will be older by then. She suggests that this would be the best scenario for the kids. She has offered other variations to this theme, but all end with us going our own ways in a few years.
I pointed out that the move would only cause me to burn my savings on a second household, which would still eventually lead to divorce. My suggestion is that I would stay in the house and support the house while she begins her career again. This might mean after school care for the kids, so it will give them time to adjust to that. Finally, it will give us time to prepare the house for sale. In a year or two, when she's able to stand on her own two feet, the kids are more adjusted, and the house is ready to sell, then we can sign divorce papers and go our own ways. And who knows what might happen between us in the two years.
She rejected that suggestion and said that I was being selfish and not thinking of the best interest of the children. Later, she seemed to accept my suggestion. Still later, she said that she might just "pull off the bandaid" and move out with the kids to go live with her mother.
I love my wife and I don't want to lose her or devastate the family, but it seems like she is giving me no choices. I feel totally rudderless. Not sleeping. Can't keep focused at work.
Thanks for listening.
I wanted to say I am listening, and am sorry for your pain. Hang in there, hard as it may sound there are days when you will see more light then despair.
Of course she wants to live in a house that someone else pays for and not have to change her lifestyle! Who doesn't?? If she was really that worried about the kids, she'd be wanting to work on the marriage.
If you pay for her to stay in the house, deplete your savings, then wait until she starts a new relationship, and sell the house, she will get more equity out of it.
It sounds like your next call needs to be to an attorney to get some advice.
- Women who declare they are done with a marriage are usually done with the marriage and there is little you can do to convince them otherwise. I'm seeing that in my situation.
- Do not move out. I'm hearing this over and over again. My wife has been asking me to move out temporarily. Like packing a suitcase with a few days worth of clothes, instead of all my belongings. This could give us some time to think. I'm on the fence about this but learning toward not moving out.
- Treating this as a business transaction. Now that she's made up her mind, there is nothing I can do to convince her otherwise. As much as I still love her and don't want her or the kids to be hurt, I've just got to plan on the finances and logistics of transitioning to being a single father.
I've nothing to add but wanted to add my best wishes...
DEFINATELY push for her to get a job. Being the stay at home parent, you could end up paying for her to do that until they grow up & move out. It depends on your state. My state used to be that way but now the prevailing sentiment is that if the spouse is physically able, they have to work. Even if they don't, the state 'imputes' an income to them (based on what a vocational expert says they could earn) and you only pay the difference between that amount and their budget (make up the gap). And the state also believes that both parties have to 'tighten the belt' and find ways to live more cheaply.
Good luck.
I've been building a support network, including this forum. I've gotten some great advice. I've started to think of my wife as a "soon to be ex" wife (STBXW). Although this might seem a trivial differentiation, it actually helps. There are things you might not want to say to your wife because you don't want to hurt their feelings. However, its easier to say what needs to be said sometimes if you think of them as your STBXW.
Secondly, I've realized that nobody can force you into a discussion. This past weekend, I was suffering from a cold and was very lethargic. My wife STBXW wanted to draw me into about two lengthy discussions. I just told her "I'm not willing to get into that conversation right now" and walked away. It was easier to do that to a STBXW than a wife. Additionally, I was able to get the rest I needed to recover from my cold.
Third, I told her I see no point in me moving out, even temporarily. I'd be willing to move down to a guest bedroom, but that would be the extent.
My STBXW now seems more willing to discuss things than she had last week. I am making an appointment for both of us with a collaborative divorce counselor to discuss the best approaches toward separation that will have minimal impact on the children. I'm also planning a private consultation with an attorney. The attorney is charging $370 an hour. Whew! Better talk fast.
It may sounds like I've got my act together, but I assure you, I'm still a lost soul. I drug myself with Nyquil to sleep. I lock myself in the bathroom at home to have my private breakdowns. I put about 16,000 steps on my fitbit each day taking walks in the parking lot to collect my thoughts. I find myself asking my STBXW to reconsider about once a week, but this is down from once a day.