It's not you weren't worth it.

It's he was too lazy to try.

I read your journal..yes you need time to heal. It wasnt you. It was him twisting it so he didn't have to take the blame for doing you wrong for those years. You can rack your brain trying to think what you could have done differently so it would have worked, but don't waste your time, it's his wiring and there is nothing you could have done to change it..
If it makes you feel any better, he will probably do it to her also and even if he doesn't, she will constantly wonder if he will.

A new hobby can help. The more you get focused on one, the less time your brain will have to dwell on him and his mean ways.

hang in there....hugs :)

Remember, she'll be the new exciting thing for a while and then he'll dump her probably for another new exciting thing. Because what he'll do with her, he'll do to her.

You know J, I thought the same thing. I read all the replies telling me the same thing they're telling you now. I thought everyone was just blowing smoke up my ass when they said it had nothing to do with me but everything to do with him.

NOW I KNOW BETTER.

I've been finding out so much about why my STBX did what he did and you know what? All those people are right. This has nothing whatsoever to do with me, even though he made it look like it was all my fault, this was about him and only him. This had everything to do with the fact that HE destroyed my trust in and respect for him and not knowing how to fix it, knowing that he wasn't the man he pretended to be he did the only thing he knew: he ran. He admitted that this is a familiar pattern for him. Truth is, he lacks insight into his own behavior, he is devoid of honesty, integrity and courage and doesn't have the slightest idea of what love is really all about. Know what else I found out? HE ISN'T HAPPY. He's losing friends. The only people that continue to support him is his brother and SIL (natch, because blood is thicker than water) and the woman he's whoring around with. I had a mutual friend tell me yesterday that they finally deleted STBX from their Facebook friends list and he was miffed and asked her why. She told me she didn't want to tell him that she IS choosing sides and that she doesn't approve of what he's done. Serves him right.

J, I'm betting that your STBX is going through something similar. Even though you may not hear about it, I guarantee that more people than not dont approve of what he's done. Believe me, the universe will mete out its own form of justice and sooner or later, what he's done to you will come back and bite him on his ass.

The only suggestion I'm going to make is if you are able to do so, move out of that apartment and into your own space. You need to get out of the place that hold so many ugly and toxic memories.

J - I totally hear you.

I was married to someone who, also, stopped trying. Then, in the divorce, he basically handed over our entire married life...house, dog, kid. He didn't attempt or try whatsoever.

It killed me, at first. Because, how could this thing we shared, our marriage, not be as important to him?

Then...three years later, I see how he shuffles our kid's schedule around to fit his stuff in first...and I ask, how is it not important?

When I told him I had to put my dog down this week...the same dog we bought together 11 years ago...the same dog our son has known his whole life...he didn't call or ask how our son did when I told him the news. Christ, even my x MIL text me a couple times. And I thought, once again...how is it not important to him to check on our kid, when he knows how much our son loved this dog?

Then I remember. For the millionth time, J, I remember: I remember this is HIM. I remember he is his own number 1. That his needs and wants are met first, at all times...before he considers other people. I remember that he didn't fight for our marriage, because it simply didn't matter to him....he wanted his freedom, his life...him, him, him.

So, take a day to be sad. Take a moment. It's those, like us, who have humanity and compassion and emotions, who actually feel the hurt. It sucks...but, I don't know about you, I would rather be hurt sometimes and still know I am capable of loving, than be selfish and self-involved.

Hugs!

I find myself asking that same question right now with my wife. Why does she think our marriage, our family is not worth fighting for anymore? Maybe she feels that she fought for so long that she can't, or won't, any longer. Maybe she's too filled with anger and resentment and mistrust to even try, no matter the positive steps I've taken in improving myself. I realize that she has to change to, that she has to want to try, but I can't make her do that.

Healing takes time, some take longer than others. He made the choices he did, he chose not to fight because that was him. You didn't make him do anything. In time, I'm sure you'll find someone willing to fight for you.

you know i have found myself saying the same thing, i mean i have wondered for days, weeks even why my marriage failed when all i wanted was for it to work but it was me it was him. he didn't cheat, but he was abusive and then he played some games and tried to make me want him and protect him when it came to the divorce. but you know what? i hear all the time that it wasn't me, i am not the one to blame it was him and all that never helped me either because you won't believe it unless you really think it.
i learned to just say sorry for whatever wrongs i would have possibly done and just move on with my life, i can't make him want his family i can't make him say sorry, and honestly if he did i don't think i would believe what he had to say because if he was sorry it shouldn't have taken him this long to be sorry. but i think it really is all about finding inside you the things that are good and worth it and remembering that you didn't make the wrong action of cheating, he did. so the question isn't WHY WERENT YOU WORTH IT. it should be WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT POS because honestly he will do it to that girl too, so don't let it bother you just remember that there is someone out there for everyone, and there are more women than men on this Earth so you have plenty of chances :)

I felt somewhat like you at first then as time went by realized that life was sparing me further hardship. A person who cheats isn't worth keeping around. So be glad that apparently you weren't "worth fighting for" - in reality - he wasn't worth you keeping around.

Keep your head up - it's been a year - start taking steps towards reclaiming your life - there are more people out there that will value you - YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!

Wish I could get the chance you gave him, from my wife. Cheating is the worst choice anyone could ever make in a marriage no matter what led up to it. My life spiraled out of control and I would take any opportunity to have back what I had before, even knowing that neither one of us felt like they were getting what they wanted. I miss my wife like a piece of my own body was removed. I guess somethings are black and white though and my marriage is over.

There are times where I still think that about myself. Than I think that where I am now he never would have fit into my life. I am not sure if you are religious but I know someone told me:

When God takes something he is trying to remove it for no reason, but he is trying to give you room for something better.

I know that may not help much but I think that your future is going to get better. Slowly but surely. Its not easy and the pain just doesn't go away but its hard because you constantly think its you but it was something in him that made him leave.

I always say that emotion like that comes in waves. You could be doing fine one minute and the next minute you get this physical pain and emotion from the hurt. Its hard.

I know after the incident with my ex my life seemed like blur for a while. I was waking up and going to work but people could see the pain and hurt. I was so close to up and leaving my job, my apartment, my friends and family but something made me hold on. I think it was friends. You have a group of people here who are willing to share and help out. Hopefully you have family support and friends.

You will hurt for a while but trust me something better is coming your way.

Thank you all for your replies. I always have been religious and thought that this happened because god was punishing me, but now i am trying to look it as, he wants something better for me!

I am so thankful for everyone here!

Wow! I'm at that point too "why wasn't I worth fighting for?" I'm feeling some type of way tonight (but good most of the day) & actually thought too that I'm going to cry myself to sleep just a little bit. I'm bothered right now. How they can get out & go about their business as if you/I didn't matter? We get constant reminders which makes things much harder. We don't need that in our lives. It's seem to be taking me forever to get over the fact that I'm never going to get the closure that I deserve & it's eating me up. Everyone is right, & he's not worth it. You'll be fine.

Please know that you are worth so much more than anything this person has ever said or done to betray your person. Empower yourself by starting the process of healing. I have been in your situationteice with the same person. I am ready to move on. Just earlier this evening I said....I think you think to little of me and I think too much of myself for for me to continue. In the second situation....the most recent I have been patient for five months of space,little to no touching, talking when spoken to only which I started doing because it hurt so much that the person I had given half of my lifetime too was now rude and cold towards me. It broke my heart each time do this is how I protected me from hurting more. Then there were and sometimes are those days of hope, you know the days when he speaks to me and does so pleasantly only to be rude to me later that day or night. There is so much I can say about what has happened but it almost has become pointless to me. All I know is that I deserve to be treated well and loved. I also know that I could not have loved him more than I have and for this reason Iwill walk away knowing that I tried till the end. I would like for you to begin enjoying your day....find something that brings a little happiness to you. Once you realize how good it feels to be happy again you will slowly begin to move forward. You deserve it. As women we should never forget this.

To some extent with the months that he treated me poorly has helped me to process everything and to accept that I for whatever reason or reasons am no longer the person that he is glad to see each day but the person who he is the ruddest to even though I have been the women who has shaped him into the man he is today. I have been there when no one else has.