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Why is it I keep going back for more?

hendo1
hendo1
My husband has been cheating on me for two years. I kick him out, and he puts out the olive branch and I let him back in. When I am not with him he gets desperate and makes many promises and treats me like a princess. I let him back home and he falls into his old tricks of calling her again.
He is a profesional man, of high intelligence, so he knows right from wrong. He says he loves me and does not want to let go of 26 years (we have been married for 22 of them). Prior to him meeting her, we had hit a lacklustre place in our marriage and we agreed that changes needed to be made from both sides to make it work.

Over the last two years we have had some great times with renewed vigour to our relationship but each time the other woman either contacts him or he contacts her and the fun ends.

I booted him out a month ago and since then he has been at me to let him back but this time I have stood firm. I was just beginning to believe in him again after he surprised me on the weekend just gone, only to find out today that he has been in contact with the other woman the very next night.

I am standing firm but am very sad. I have a soft and caring heart and all I ever wanted in life was to be loved and taken care of by someone special.

Tonight I told him straight out that I could do it no more. I am terribly sad and distressed about doing that despite the fact that I know it was the right thing to do. I know that right now he is with her, in her arms and feeling loved whereas I am not.

I know I have family and friends, but there is something special about having someone who is your partner and confidante.

Why is it that I always want from him what he cannot seem to give? How do you give up on your idealism and accept realism?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hendo ... I feel for you. It's so hard when the one you love breaks your trust. But you deserve to be treated better than that, never forget it. I use to say anything was forgivable, but now I say I deserve to be treated better. If he is not willing to commit to you and only you than there is no relationship, as long as you keep taking him back he will continue to keep cheating.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I believe any one can make a mistake ,but once is a mistake, after that it is a deliberate act. He keeps doing it because he is sure that your threats are just that threats & your actions prove him right. You deserve better. This has not been your best friend. Stand firm sweetie or the cycle will just keep repeating.
hendo1
hendo1
I am feeling better already. Thanks for the comments guys. I know all the right things to do - like a day at a time etc etc. I will put them into action. Good to talk though. I seem to get strength from hearing what I need to hear. ta
deleted_user
deleted_user
Stay strong. I have been through the same cycle and hitting that wall where you finally have the strength to say enough is enough is a huge step. You will get through the loneliness. It is a frustrating time because you are grieving and not ready for a new relationship while he has already moved on. Keep looking forward.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your actions are telling him that you'll put up with things. I think his show that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I doubt he's actually trying to change--he wants things to work with you both, so he can have 2 women in his life. At least that's the assumption I think you have to work with and it's good you've decided that that isn't okay with you. Hang in there.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yeah, he is just going to continue to see her whether you take him back or not. He is a good at BS! I believe he really means it, but he cannot stay away from her, like an addiction! She has her claws in him and probalby always will from now on. (He is caught between you and her, cant give up either of you and will continue to do this.) Cut him loose for good! You cant let him do that to you. Don't talk to him anymore if you can help it. Good luck to you and I am glad you are feeling better!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hendo I feel the same way. I have not been cheated on but I have asked him to leave because he can not control his anger and is saying inappropriat thing infront of the children. He can be really nice and during those times I think about letting him back in or how I miss him. then he goes off on me about something that happend 10-15 yrs ago. I should expect these out bursts but I still hope. but I have somewhat come to be thankfull for them. I's like a reminder of why I asked him to leave. this way I don't let him in and I don't get as hurt.
deleted_user
deleted_user
as much
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ugh I know it's hard. I really hate telling anyone to "just let go" because it is SO SO SO hard to do. You don't want to believe that letting go is the best thing or that in the end, you'll come out on top, move on, and find someone who will be exactly what you want. Right now, it seems like the X is perfect and life without him will just be hell. It's the other way around. I'm having a hard time believing it too, but deep down I know it's right, even if the impulses and most often, my heart tell me, X is the one! We'll get through this! It just takes time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hendo - I have been there!!! I am a total idealist and always wanted to believe he would wake up if only I held on long enough, loved him fiercely enough, or somehow else managed to get through to him. I even went through times when I tried to make myself believe it never really happened, because I wanted the "perfect" idyllic life for myself and my 2 kids. Just the past 2 months, when I finally put my foot down I've been struggling with "reality" and even though I'd taken the right steps, I still couldn't accept it.

Lately though, I finally have. How? I forced myself to move on. I forced myself to go out and have fun. I let other things come into my life and take a place of importance for me. I still am in disbelief that my life has taken the turn that it has, but it's not such a gut-wrenching disbelief anymore. And with other things in my life to distract me, I'm able to really se my STBX for what he really is - a pathetic man who had it all, but couldn't manage to respect that and keep it in his pants. It's no longer a idealistic look on things... but it's finally REAL.