No contact is the best for you, not your children. They need him. You tell them you are sorry he didn't answer and just be there for them. I know what you are going through. I am sorry that this is happening. Our children are the innocent bystanders that get caught in the middle of all this crap. Hoping he returns their call. Hugs!

Nix - you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why he does why he does, particular when it comes to your children. Don't do it - just do the best you can for your children. You don't have to cover for him - he's a big boy and can take care of himself.

Is he being irresponsible? Yes. Does he deserve the children? Probably not. Will they forgive him when he finally contacts them? Unfortunately, yes. It's hard to recognize and deal with. but stay strong for your kids.

Warmest hugs,

Lynne

((((NIX)))).....I know EXACTLY where you are right now. My X did the same thing and to this day continues to treat my son as a chore. Sorry to say it, but you have to take the high road on this. You don't have to make excuses to your children, but please make sure that you keep your responses neutral. The second you start bad-mouthing your STBX you put yourself in jeopardy of having your children's resentment turning on you. You are ONLY respnsible for your relationship with your children. That is the only thing you have control over. Do your best....that is all you can ask of yourself. Hang in there. Hugs!!

Evidently he is not thinking of how this is affecting the children. I don't know him so I can't really know what he is thinking. I do know that my ex does this to our children and has since we split up 3 years ago. He has ignored his children to the point that they have given up on him. I still encourage them to try, but they don't want to be the one that always has to be the person to contact him every time. It hurts them they he does't make much of an attempt. Now that he lives with his girlfriend and her child he is all wrapped up in his "new family" and could care less if he is a part of our children's life and he has told them that in a very manipulative way. It hurts me to see my children go through this. I understand how you feel and your concern for your children.

Never, NEVER cover.

In a way, covering is lying. The kids see through the truth anyway, and it just shuts down communication.

And "no contact" is good for you, but bad for them.

Does he have email? How old are your kids? Can you set them up with their own account that only they can use for contacting him? Then he would Know that it's not from you?

I almost never call my ex. Except for things like today. I'm ordering school pictures and wanted to know if he wanted to buy any. So my ex is pretty good at getting back to me now.

But when it was all in the break-up stage, sometimes it would take him quite a while to get back to me. It was just his own form of 'no contact.' He never knew if I would get on the phone and start trying to talk to him. And it just wasn't worth his effort. Looking back, I can't really blame him.

thankyou guys,im lucky that our children are teenagers so they can keep in touch themselves.another hurtful thing he did was to block them on facebook and i said to them he probably done it by mistake but thats the only thing with them being older,they arnt stupid and dont believe me if i try to cover for him.

What a jerk! Yes, teens can certainly figure it out!

Lynne

If anyone has the answer to this question, I'd sure like to know. Sometimes, I think it's guilt. Other times, maybe it really is that they just want to chuck that life and start over for themselves. Apparently, none of them got the memo that that is not how this parent thing works.

Since my stbx left, he has not had regular visits with our 4 children and does not call them very much. He's ditched all of us. For him, I think it's both of the above, part guilt, part done with this life. How nice for him. All these discussions this morning are bringing out some anger and hate. I'm okay with that.

yes lynne he is a jerk.i keep telling myself that then perhaps my feelings will fade for him.(heres hoping)

thanks nattyjk,he did tell our daughter last time they spoke that he was being mean because it makes things easier on him untill hes over this.
how sad is that? say i decided to be mean to everyone,then were would our children be?

Continuing to spend time figuring him out and why he does ewwhat he does is unavaiodable but ultimately fruittless.

You just tell the kids "I don't know" and then one day they will figure it out on their own.

Be there for them yourself. You have to show up for your kids no matter how bad the pain is. When we were divorcing it is the most important thing I did right, I stayed with and supported my children as I had during the marriage and I have never ever stopped.

Let them be themselves whuile you are yourself. There is no reason to hide the pain on either side...let it be. But DON'T bad mouth their father as this will make you look bad in the end...take the high road always.

Its just you and he kids now...move on from that starting point.

Breathe out through your stomach. Think how happy you and the children will be in the not-too-distant future.

Don't cover for him. Keep it neutral but don't make excuses. There aren't any.

Here is also a suggestion--the good old-fashioned handwritten letter. Tell the kids to write to him and express their sadness that he has left their lives. It may mean a lot more to him because they took the time to write. It may not change the outcome, but at least they will have expressed themselves in a way that sometimes emailing or texting cannot convey.

I send hugs to your kids. I lived this life with my dad--it's not easy.

thanks our secret,your right ive got to spend time on our children and myself.i will always be there for our kids.they no that and he knows that.oh i do hope we will be happy again and i will not care what hes doing or were he is.

BTW, in not bad mouthing my son's 'dad', it has kept open the line of communication between my son and I. He still feels like he can talk to me about all of this because I am not attacking anyone and because my son worries for ME too. If I were to react to his inquiries with anger and frustration he would not feel as able to bring them up. He is 13YO and is protective of me (lol). We have grown closer and pulled closer as a team. We talk openly and I am the one he comes to with important things in his life. He knows he will get nothing but the truth from me, always. If he asks a question about his 'dad' that I am uncomfortable answering, I tell him that I am not comfortable with it. I instruct him to ask his father and that I am sorry I couldn't give him the answers he needs. He understands that and knows he can keep coming to me. I am the one he talks about girls with, shaving with, body changes with.....it all comes with having and keeping their trust. Good luck hon. If you need me I am here!

Well they wont him .. But they dont need him wheni he is sick like that.
There is a difference between a mother and a friend. being a parent puts us in that spot where we have to do things that may not fell good to the childeren but is for their own good.
Matt.