The pain in 90% of people comes from losing somebody that they rely on for something, such as company, love, sex, fun, etc and then if that person was to go and the rejected person was to feel alone, unlovable and unable to get anybody else because they are not good enough, then they have not just lost a partner but a whole lifestyle, leaving them as if their whole world has crashed.

The solution to this does not need to be drawn out or complicated but in a simple answer, pain in rejection comes more from looking at "what else have we lost" rather than just a lover. This is why people can love again because it is not always the partner that we miss but all the lifestyle that we create together. The people who move on quickly are the people who realise this and look to build their lifestyle back again rather than the fear that they cannot as nobody will want them again.

I never thought anyone would even care about my pity party. Lol thank you all for taking the time to respond. This is all very helpful. Oldbiker- he's had several run ins with police due to alcohol. From duis to public intox to contributing to a min-or. as@ well as possesion of marijuana charges. he hasnt had any for the past 3 years weve been together, he still drinks but not nearly as much or as often bc hes afraid he could hurt me again... which im now realizing he probably resents me for. today he told me we are like "tasty poison" for eachother and he loves me but doesnt want me around as often. its all very confusing and there is a lot of history. ugh, exhausted with his back and forth. seeingis**-- i definitely understand where u r coming from... i met my birth mother last year.

If you are going through pain right now, ask what it is that you feel you have lost?

She was a young unwed mother to be, I completely understand why she did what she did, and as sad as it was for her it made me feel good knowing she was pressured onto choosing adoption. Unfortunately, my adoptive parents were trying to get me to fill a deep emotional dark void in my mother not being able to conceive children. So, I learned to look for love anywhere I could get it at a young age. If anyone is interested I have tons of journals. Oldbiker... I also used to be prescribed xanax, made it so much easier to accept the crappy treatment he gave me. He doesnt believe in god, and promised me early on he wanted to quit alcohol for good one day, as he comes from two long lines of alcoholic families. Bic-- right there with ya. as pathetic as I know I sound, its so consuming that I can't think of anything else sometimes then him, and fixing "us". Being long distance doesn't make it any easier. Casalina and everyone, again I thank you, for not talking down to me but really trying to help. My friends are so tired of hearing me talk about him.

Sboffoli, good point. I realized this with my first real boyfriend. we spent every day and night together, and one day he just stopped calling. i didnt have a car at the time and had pushed everything and everyone i loved to the wayside. i became so close to his mom and sisters looking back of course i missed his company and love but i missed his family almost more. it filled the void of me having cold and unavailable parents. with my bf now, i feel ive given him my best years... lol (22-25) and i knpw thats silly but i feel like im losing any chanve i have of getting married and having and creating a family i can pour all this freakin love inyo... maybe one day.

Last tid bit, I remember in past relationships I always emphasized the potential of what could have been while in my depression from a break up. From 19-21 I didn't seriously date anyone bc I had been so devastated from the last 3 boyfriends i had. So I guess this is my first "adult" relationship and its just been really difficult. He's also the most successful, secure financially man I've ever dated. He's very book smart but he is also manipulative and very good at not only making me feel psycho but making me feel like everything is my fault.

I think this starts from within, I really do. While I was married, I let my EX become everything about my happiness...even though it cause other areas of my life to lack. I put all my eggs in one basket, thinking if I wasn't at work, I should always be with him and my son. I didn't nourish my independent self, I didn't hang with friends of every do for me because I allowed myself to play second fiddle to our marriage.
As a result, or perhaps at the same time, my EX very much nourished his independent self to the point where it stank of selfishness. I was WAY too needy, and I OWN that, but he also never stopped to really listen, but made sure he always did for him. I also came to realize that he is someone who needs a woman "taking care of him", and I became that woman, although, with a lot of resentment I hadn't realized I was holding.
NO ONE can be our be all, end all. NO ONE. We have different relationships that enhance our lives, but no ONE person can be the everything we want or need.
I feel that way about everyone, including children. I love my son to death, but I also realize he is an independent person who has more in his life than his Mom. So, when he's at school he's having a life separate from me, and when he's with his Dad, he is having a life separate from me. When he's gone, I do for ME.
I think it's great you recognize you're codependent. I definitely think working on YOU, and staying out of a relationship for now, is your best bet. You need to the time to realize what you bring to the table, and see what makes you tick.

I have said that so many times. Today I talk every thought down with reality. Its hard but you gotta do it for yourself and your future. Yeah sometimes I want to call him but I won't anymore because its all lies. I wish you the best.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to give and receive love. We are tribal creatures, it is a norm of our social behavior standards.
I just think that a relationship with a man is not meant to fill the void, save me from my bad life, but complement the good life I already have.

amen to that sister

and if that relationship with a man is consistently unraveling your good life

time to choose the life over the man

So true. When things are going well. Everything is great, when they are bad, my life is unmanageable, I can't focus at work and I Just want to hide from the world.