Wait - "remaining civil" involves TV repair?

May I gently suggest that to maintain an air of civility, you simply deal only with children's issues? There's no need for her to advise what the boyfriend says, nor for you to react with such a 'clear' response.

completely agree

i understand what u mean but i dont want her bf thinking i want her, i dont and what i said to her was to her and she laughed saying that would make him beleive it, my point is and even during our marriage, if i made a 15 word statement she only forwarded on 10 or less words of it leaving the most important verbage out

i wasnt trying to give her advice on how to keep her bf, i was trying to give her advice on how to keep her bf out of my business and away from me,

You don't have to rationalize what you said, you reacted and that can't be changed.

Straight up? Who cares what the boyfriend thinks? He's nothing to you, for someone's opinion or thoughts of you to have any effect on you, they need to have some value, input or influence on your life.

He's just some dude your ex is with. You don't need to be helpful. If it gets brought up again, don't react, don't acknowledge and disengage. She's your ex, not your friend.

Wow...I'm going to be blunt here for the sake of you understanding what you are showing to everyone that's on the outside of your relationship with you and your ex. You are giving me mixed signals here just reading about your situation. First, you say that you "hate" your ex and would be willing to tell her boyfriend "i would rather spit in your face than look at you in a loving manner ever again". If you hate her so much, why are you bending over backwards and kissing her butt by fixing her tv? That to me, still shouts to me that you really DO still care about her... A LOT! I don't know if you are divorced yet, or not, but if you are, the only thing you owe her is just what is ordered by the Court.....NO more, NO less. If you truly want to get on with your life, you would tell your ex that the only contact you will have with her will be about your kids' welfare, and that's it. Keep your relationship with her strictly business, and ONLY about the kids. And, stay OUT of each other's residences for Pete's sake. That is just begging for trouble if you go into each other's place. You can sit in the driveway until the kids come out to get into your vehicle, and vice versa. If you are going to be a little late picking up your kids for your visitation time, one quick cell phone call with just that message will suffice...nothing more. You are NOT responsible for your ex any longer....that is why she is your ex. I apologize for being so blunt, but your actions right now are showing the exact opposite of what you are saying. I hope things get better for you in your situation!

I agree with Linda. I don't know your Ex, but if I did those things with my ex, she would think I want to still be in her life. the only thing that worked was to walk away and stay away, even though I didn't want to.

Granted you have kids, so you are going to have to be doubly strong and just deal with your kids. Being civil doesn't have to involve doing her favors. She's not your responsibility anymore, only the kids. Realize this, if she has the wrong idea, she may be conveying that to the kids and that's not fair to them.

By going by reply #3, it sounds like our ex's are alike. They hear and see only what they want to. In my case, the only thing I could do, was to not give her any stimulus to react to, and possibly misinterpret.

good luck, it's a difficult situation, but it sounds like you were the adult in the relationship and you are going to have to give up that impulse to take care of her. Don't confuse taking care of your kids, with taking care of their mother as well. You tried that and it didn't work.

ok do any of you have kids i fixed the tv cause my kids were there and bored, if you have kids and its dead of winter at night what are they going to do, the TV repair is not the issue, and my ex and her boyfriend who both worked midnight the night before would not get up to fix it.

as for caring what the boyfriend thinks would you want a jealous ex beating on your door for doing something for your kids or for your dog that lives with your ex and she does not care for, no so i dont want the aggravation fo dealing with that. so i made the statement not to just help her but to stop him from doing something stupid with me that we both will regret.

linda being blunt is fine, i guess in my anger i could have typed more information, as to why what happened happened i just went on a rambling spree

heres whats funny about all the posts back to me, yes i did not type in all the facts what i did was to help my kids, i will never feel i need to justify something i do for them to anyone. no one has said anythign about her lie which is why i posted instead i feel chastised for what i did, no one has addressed her lie only me acting what you feel is inappropriate,so your telling me i got what i deserved. and i am acting in appropriate.

Not chastising, but as an outsider reading your post, it LOOKS like you ran to the rescue to be the hero.

The kids need to learn you aren't running there. Or are you? When they are there, they're THERE, you don't need to run over. If you have the flu, is she going to run to your house to make them sandwiches? No. Her home is hers, yours is yours. Let them read a book, colour, build a snowman, play checkers, do some homework.....I went without TV altogether for a while due to finances and my kids turned out just FINE, yours wouldn't die for a single day.

Look - you said "this is what she does". You know exactly how she is, what she does and you're angry that she did what she always does. If you KNOW what is going to happen, but you do it anyway, you don't get to be surprised.

Again - my suggestion is to only communicate about the children, stay the hell away or this is going to do nothing but continue. And YES I have kids and a dog so don't throw how I don't understand. I don't have a penis but I can, in many cases, see a mans point in things.

I can't address her actions or behaviors, she's not posting, you are. By NOT reacting, by not feeding into the drama is the only way to stay OUT of the drama.

Ummm...I am very confused and agree with Linda that there are mixed signals here.

When my son is with my ex, I know he's bored as hell. My ex doesn't allowe video games for whatever reason he has an issue with them, he doesn't have cable so he doesn't get cartoon network, etc...so, none of that is available to him. Is he feeding my kid? Bathing him? Getting him to school on time, the ONE morning he has him during the school week? Yes. Does he NEED tv and all that crap to survive? NOPE.

Her tv, her problem. Period. And, telling her this business of "I would spit in your face..." how is that amicable? In any way? Whatsoever?

They are exes for a reason. I think my ex is one of the biggest tools I ever met, but here I am, picking him to father my kid...so I either do what I can for my kid, or be spiteful, mean, and make snide comments.

Either way, you talking like that to her belittles yourself and your integrity. You picked her, and she is still the mother to your kids.

This bf? As long as your kids are SAFE, then let go. Seriously. Hell, my ex upped and married without telling me or my son...people do crazy shit, buddy. How WE react and handle it is up to us.

I think the answer to your question...."why does she continue?".....because you allow it. Why are you allowing her life to control yours? Is it possible you do still have feelings for her and the hatred just masks them. It is possible but as you stated there really are none.

As far as the lie is concerned.......you know the whole grapevine ...one person hears something and repeats it differently. Choose what you say carefully so it doesn't get twisted would be the rule I would follow and that problem gets solved for you.

Back to the dude she is with who is concerned about your feelings. It's really none of his business. The only thing that is his business are her feelings towards him and what she does to him.

Your children are your concern. What do you think could improve your home so that no matter where else they may live...they can still have those values.

getting - In your Reply #9, you state that nobody has addressed your ex's lie. Think about it this way... You put yourself in that situation by the choices that you made. You could have saved yourself a lot of drama, anger, heartache, etc. if you would just keep your relationship with her strictly business. Yes, I have a daughter, and I understand your love for your children, but when they are at your ex's place, that is HER responsibility, NOT yours. Your responsibility is to make sure that they are well fed, clothed, and have a safe environment when they are at your place with plenty of educational and worthwhile projects and activities to keep them busy and out of trouble. That is what a responsible parent does. Children don't need to be pacified by a TV all the time. They would have made it just fine by reading books, painting, drawing, playing board games, doing a craft project, learning to be creative without having to have any technological stimulation, etc. You're a smart man....don't make this kind of mistake again. And, if you do....remember it's NOT a mistake then...it's your choice. There are responsible and drama free ways to co-parent with your ex. If you need help, suggestions or resources, I've been co-parenting drama free for years, and I'd be happy to brainstorm with you to make your life a heck of lot more easy and enjoyable!

PPL can't get along, they can't control their emotions and that's what causes a lot of back and forth, hostility and drama. Everyone gave you excellent advise. They didn't hit on how she's a liar b/c who cares about that at this point? It isn't a competition or about bashing, it's about your peace and about the kids. So next time let someone else fix the TV or pick it up and fix it at your place - buy a new one if need be, whatever you feel you have to do for your kids - but you and your ex have no business communicating in a hostile way and also, when you deal with her - leave out all the cheating she did or the lying, that's done, over with and won't help you to continue bringing it up. If you flip or react the way you do - she'll also believe she still affects you very much.

Good luck.