I think they turn it around to justify to themselves what they have done is OK. If it is not their fault it must be yours. I have had the same thing. I hate how she is the angry hostile one yet she was the one that cheated, lied about it and continued to hurt me with the lies and betrayal. I don't get that either.

I am sorry that you are going through this and can really only offer my small amount of support and a virtual hug.

{{{{hugs}}}}

Agree with James..maybe even feeling guilty for his actions. His true character seems to be coming through, especially not seeing his kids and not paying support... someone has to take the blame, certainly not him....

To lessen their guilt.

I guess I will agree with the rest - it has to be about the guilt. Yet, I'm not really sure they are even feeling guilt. I believe they rationalize away everything and they are completely innocent. I really believe that if my husband could, he would totally walk away from his child just so that he didn't have to ever think about me or his previous 12 years with us again.

Wow. I think dear friend James really hit the nail on the head.... projection.
They are guilty and can't deal with their own actions...
I NEVER thought my ex was a low person... never suspected it. But he is really letting his dark side run untrammeled now, and the positive of this is that I am more able to distance myself from him. when I thought he was a good man, respected him and was proud of him, his sudden and cruel rejection of me seemed like a judgement.
now that he has displayed all this baseness and incredible dishonesty.... his rejection of me has a different character, as in "pearls before swine."

I know exactly what you're going through. My wife lied, cheated, and has been angry and hostile since she moved out to continue living with her lover. Absolutely no accountability or remorse what so ever. Worse, she has trash talked me so bad to freinds claiming I was an abusive husband to justify her choices to make herself feel good about what she is doing.

Cheaters cannot and will not see what they are guilty of doing or how bad it hurts someone else. They think of themselves only.

You cannot control or change someone else in terms of behaviour or choices, so recognize what he is doing for what it is - selfish and wrong.

You control how you feel about a situation and it's all about how you look at it. Easier said than done, but you've simply got to recognize and look at what he is doing in a different light. He either is intentionally trying to hurt you and the kids, or probabily doesn't even care - why allow that to make you feel bad? You aren't doing anything wrong. Is someone like that worth it? I say no - he isn't.

Keep taking the high road, do the right things for yourself and the kids, and don't engage in his games. Karma has a way of coming back to the guilty, just wait and see.

This is how my stbx was. He never took the kids, he did not pay child support of anything. He is just now starting to do all this. Sometimes even though its not right, men have different ways of handling things, but then again women do too. Maybe he does not know what to do.. But again like I said.. there is no excuse for it. I wish you could find a way to resolve this.. Maybe court ?

I completely agree with James. Got the exact same treatment. People who are able to cause others such harm live in a sort of suspended reality. They cannot face up to what they have done and are still doing but the have to justify their actions in their own eyes as well as in the eyes of family and friends and the only way to do that is to turn the victim into the perpetrator. That has been my personnal experience and I suspect it is the same for many others out here. I know it doesn't eliminate the pain. Even after 2 years it still feels like agony to me. But at least it helps understand it and realize we are not to blame.
Hope this helps you a little. Take care!

I agree 100% with James.
The only thing I know for a fact is that this is NOT all your fault. You had a relationship
together and that relationship is no longer working for the two of you. He needs to grow up and assume his responsabilities.
As far as the emotional abuse... Thats how
they justify what they're doing to you. They're making excuse.

He just wants everyone of his friends and family to think its all your fault that the relationship stopped and marriage if you were married. My ex is the same way he never takes the blame for anything that happens between us or whom ever he dates. Its all ways the other persons fault. I would just take one step at a time and you know the truth and its good that you don't bring up the past or the present fights up to him and point fingers. I use to do that and its not nice to do to the other person, so I am trying to get out of the habit.