Its coming toward the end of a relationship I wanted to last forever. Not my choice. Nothing is "wrong" with the relationship... I think we.are amazing. We've been together about two and a half years. We have spent almost every day and night together since we met, cannot wait to see each other, share so many laughs and friends and adventures together. Even home on the couch feels like a vacation. Our sexual compatibility is what I always hoped for. He thinks I'm beautiful, and I think he's.so handsome. I can't get enough of snuggling with him. He has two kids,five and six, who love me as much as I love them. I take pride and giving them a family life when they are with us, and feel its important to be able to demonstrate a loving relationship for them.
His problem is my past. About a month into dating, the question of married people came up. I'm not proud, and I know I won't gain much sympathy on this forum for this, but I did fall for a married man at one point in my life, and was honest with my new guy about it. He admitted a one night stand with a married woman, and said he couldn't judge. I was nervous and thrilled that the thing I was most ashamed of was out, and seemingly not an issue moving forward. We went on for almost a year of bliss, falling in love and seeing a long future ahead.
After about a year, my guy and I had a drunken conversation where he asked if I was sure he was the only one and if I had been seeing anyone else when we met. I hadn't been seeing anyone, and had put to bed an old relationship that kept popping up, right before I met him. That would be the married guy. He is a family member of a close friend of mine. We started long distance emails about almost 10 years ago. There was a lot of friendship and mutual support (I wasn't in a relationship, his was distant, they even lived in separate houses for a time). I began to think it was true love. And we did take it to they physical level a handful of times over about a year and a half. The last time being on a family trip with a bunch of us, including his wife. That horrified us both to the point where we distanced ourselves. I met someone else and asked him not to contact me. He admitted everything to his wife, and they worked on things. I was honest with my friend, and she forgave me, saying that she knew their relationship was a mess and that neither me nor he were the type to normally do something like that. But over the years, we occasionally reached out to each other... I even asked him about relationship advice. We hadn't spoken in a couple years, when he reached out to me about three years ago. He said he wanted to see me and talk about being together. He and his wife were still married, and living in different countries. I had wondered if we were compatible, and I agreed to see him. In seeing him, I realized he wasn't who I thought he was, and lost a lot of respect for him (I know, finally). We had a few more conversations, then I told him to not contact me again. I felt finally free of the wondering and had a lot more confidence and hope.
Then I met my guy. I couldn't believe how the universe really does work in that way. When you finally open yourself up tp real love, the university delivers. I felt so lucky, and continued to every single day. The blessing was not lost on me. What I was so proud to tell him that night was that I had indeed been ready for him, and was all his. I had been to therapy, I did the work, I cleaned out the cobwebs and I was totally and completely HIS. I really can't express how proud and whole I felt and eager to give my guy everything in me. But, he didn't see it that way. He saw it as a threat, and that this man was lurking, and I may not be honest about it. We.struggled from there on. Six months later, the married guy texted me about a terrorist event. I was horrified. I told him that I was honest with my guy about him, and it was a huge thorn for us, and to never contact me again! Then my guy broke up with me. He couldn't take it. He loved me, but couldn't handle my behavior in the past, or that this guy was lurking. Again,I'm not proud, and a lot contributed to my participation in the affair. But I am a good and kind person, and am even more determined to live with a clear conscience. And I thought my guy could see all he meant to me, and how safe his heart was.
About four months later, after lots of tears and worrisome depression on my part, we reconciled. I was beside myself, determined to make it work. My guy said he'd be miserable without me, and his kids needed me. A few months of joy... Then, he started asking about that family vacation I am not at all proud of. And that's been the nail in the coffin. He refused to tell me how he knew and what prompted him to ask (I never went into that kind of detail), and wrestles with being disgusted that I could do that, and loving me.
I'm frustrated he pushed for so much from the past. I believe the past has no place between partners. I care about how he treats me and that's all that matters. I'm not saying that out of convenience for my situation. I don't want to picture him with other women (though it is inevitable, as we are near his hometown and many exes). And I'm angry and hurt I gave him very painful honesty, and he used it to destroy us. I was humble, ashamed and trusting that he loved me. I have taken very good care of him, been honest, have nothing past or present to hide. I can see how much he loves me. Having been with plenty of men who don't care, I do truly know my guy loves me more than he has anyone. It bottles my mind that none of that is enough. He gets advice from friends who don't know me, and refuses to try counseling. My friends and family don't like how hurt I was when we last broke up, but know all the gory details and respect how I feel about wanting to be with him. I'm also feeling very responsible to the kids.... We are a family. I love them so much. They can't wait to see me and jump in my lap. We give them structure, respect and love in my home. I don't want them to see their dad not make something work with now two women that they love (their mom, and me)
I'll add that I'm 43. I have been engaged and in several long term relationships. Nothing has compared to the relationship I have had with my guy. I know what I've found before him, and I didn't think someone that fit me so well existed. I thought I'd have to settle, and I didn't at all with him. In fact, there were bonuses. And I know it wasn't one way, he felt the same. We went on 12 hour car rides that felt like an hour, we danced in the kitchen at 2am, he spent hours playing every instrument to record one special song for me. I felt so blessed. I don't know that I'll ever find that kind of home for my heart again, nor will I understand why it couldn't be enough. It really was beautiful.