I think they push us away and start a new relationship to avoid feeling. They are not doing work on themselves, they are not healing. It will catch up to them one day.
My stbx is very angry at me. That is proof he is in pain. If he starts a relationship- he will be avoiding the pain and healing.
Avoidance. They push and avoid so they don't have to deal.

In my situation, I was the one that left, the one that has no remorse & the one that wants the divorce. There are lots of reasons why my marriage wasn't working for me anymore, but the biggest one is that I honestly am not in love with him. I don't believe I ever was. I started dating him when I was barely 19. Things moved fast & I got caught up in the excitement, the security & dependability of him. It's taken me years of trying to fall in love with him & make our love the long lasting kind, but love isn't something you can force. It either is or isn't there.
So...to answer your question, for some that walk away....we've already processed the heartbreak, loss of love & loss of the relationship by the time we leave. Moving on is what seems natural to us. Even if it seems it was "too quick".

You are far stronger than me. I was where you are at 4 years ago. I took my vows very serious. I swore to be with him till death. But started to realize. I was the one dying. My soul. My heart. My world. It was affecting how I interacted with my babies, how I interacted with friends etc.

Then learning that my kids never noticed when he left or when he was gone. My motivation started. I want my girls to find a man who will be there PARTNER, not the guy with the job that shows up from time to time. I want my girls and their vision of 'love' to be what love should be. Mutual understanding, mutual respect, mutual EVERYTHING. Not one pulls all the marriage weight and the other does as he pleases.

I am the role model for a wife, mother and support system for my 3 girls. And after seeing that they were seeing that my marriage was 'love'. i had to put a stop to it. I will not allow them to think that what my marriage was is what it should be. My girls will be strong, independent, and will not be the welcome mat for any damn man.

I have a lot of respect for your stance. I truly do. I still feel a lot of guilt because my kids hearts are breaking over their dad not in our house any more. I wish this hadn't ever happened. My girls are my life. My whole life and I hate that mommy is the cause of their first heart break. I bow in your general direction. God speed, and I hope things work out for you.

people who are truly in love will never fall out of love. their love will always adjust according to the movement of reality.

i believe that a person who claims to fall out of love has a childish perception of love. until they ditch their errant concept of love, they would do well to avoid the opposite sex.

only a child would leave a perfectly good adult mate.

That is something that kills me. Never knowing or getting an answer to that. Because I think about the good times we had, and the times she told me she loved me and we held each other or whatever. So what were those times then? I know they really happened. I know it was real. And we had been through so much with each other. But I know something was there at some point. Maybe even a glimmer of something, but I know it was there. But I will never understand how all of that just disappears, or, was never there to begin with.

Depending on the relationship. Sometimes communication is not open and they grow apart. Resentments not resolved or just thinking the grass is greener on the other side. And there are those always wanting that spark and never realize that that spark has turned in to companionship with a deeper meaning. My ex is living in the dream world where couples dont fight, bicker constantly happy with each other and dont get fustrated with one another. Relationships should not be hard. You always have to work at it and keep it open. Listen to one another and talk about your dreams and goals and support them. He does not realize what he lost. I know he will be back and I am not picking up his pieces this time. I am done fixing just walking away. I deserve a lot better. To bad he is awful at communicating. After 12 years I should know what he was thinking and unhappy about without him telling. Never once did he come to me and said he was unhappy with the relationship. Just ended it. Actually 1 month ago he told me he was happy. Go figure And now just plain avoiding me and hurting. Pretending he does not care. I know he does but sure makes me feel like he does not. But dont think they are not hurting because they are. They just move on and avoid the negative things. And seeing someone hurt is very hard to watch. They want something and moving toward that. And avoiding and ignoring or fighting. It does not mean they dont care they just want to be happy too. They want you to move on and they are being kind to you be being mean. Pushing you away so they get waht they want. Looking to fight or get something to move you in the right direction.

people grow apart because they want to grow apart. this is a steady series of decisions to withdraw their commitment to the other.

in love? you have that when you are first trying to win the other over. after that feeling wanes, then couples need to realize that marriage is work and you have to work to stay loving, dependable, kind, even when the other isnt. and they have to do the very same for you when you dont deserve it. But ppl who have been married for 30 plus years and are still married will tell you that it is a 2 way street and the in love feeling left many years ago. what now remains is the home that love built.

Lostdaddy...well put. Looks like a lot of us hope and pray our spouses could think like that.

SwtRdNkGurl, you and I have the EXACT same story. I was processing the loss for a good 5 years or so before I finally got the divorce. I haven't met anyone else with a story just like mine before. It was a relief to see your post.

I also want to add, cwalla, that although I have a very similar story to SwtRdNkGurl, it is not that I have NO remorse...even just today, I was with one of my sons, at my old house (my ex still lives there, I was picking up my son for school while my ex was at work) and I got this overwhelming feeling of grief over the loss of our "family" while I was in that house...
I did not just leave him because of lack of feelings for him though, he was also emotionally abusive and rageful, which of course played a HUGE part in my inability to maintain any loving feelings towards him, and I know I did the right thing by my children by removing us all from his daily presence.
But yet, at times, I DO remember and grieve over the loss of the DREAM of having a happy family together...and I hate knowing that he is still suffering a lot of pain inside, whether or not he will ever understand his part in my leaving or not, which so far he seems not to...
I myself am like you, and will never understand those who can leave without a SHRED of remorse, with no feeling whatsoever. It's not human not to feel anything at all like that.

Aliens??

Common denominator in cheaters: SELFISH,SELF CENTERED,ASSES!
Common denominator in us left: CARING, NURTURING,UNDERSTANDING, FORGIVING.
Not perfect. But we certaintly care.
Damn all the Asses!
(my kids said, 'dad's just an ass!)-so there you go

I've really think some of it has to do with expectations and the ideas that we cultivated through the years of what marriage was to really be like. We're a generation that has watched A LOT of movies and soaps with overdramatiztions of sex, love and fake acted out happiness between couples. Not much of real life was portrayed. So, when real life started to happen in my marriage, my husband bailed. I was willing to dig deep to keep it together and he wasnt. Digging deep wasn't much portrayed in love stories either. Disney and porn don't help either! Women want Prince Charming and men want to be Dallas with Debby! None of that really works.

Thanks everyone for the great answers - everyone's opinion helps!
I guess it's good to look at it all different ways - food for thought!
Thank you again, Cindy