Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
The last few days have been horrible. I seem to have slid backwards. Previous to this I was starting to feel better knowing that the STBX had agreed to let me and our daughter stay in the house until high school graduation which is only two years away. This would give me some time to move forward on a new career and try to decide where to live afterwards. Then the STBX emails me urging me to sell the house sooner and advising that our daughter (who is 16) will start living with him half the time in a few months and that he likely will be reducing the amount of support he pays to me. The final words in the email says that "he needs to move on emotionally". Although I know our marriage is over, his determination in moving forward with his life without me is still very hurtful. I spoke to our daughter and she seems very keen to move in with him. This is probably because he plans to move into a condo in the central part of the city and she's only known living in the suburbs so this is cool to her. However since the condo will be closer to her school, I question if she will end up living there more than half the time. It seems that in less than a year I've lost my beloved 16 year old pet, my marriage (the STBX walked out 5 weeks after our pet died) and my daughter who will only be living with me part-time. And to top it off I have elderly parents who are requiring more of my care and I seem to have slammed right into menopause. So I feel like hell all around. I 've been experiencing almost continuous panic attacks for the last few days. How am I ever going to be able to climb out of this hole and have a life worth living? Much less have the mental stress to move forward on a new career. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever see light at the end of tunnel. On the other hand the STBX seems to spend every moment when he's not working with the OW, often with our daughter in tow. I feel like I've been discarded like a piece of garbage while he has recreated our little family only with the OW in my place. It feels like I've lost everything and he's lost nothing. Where do I find the strength to keep going?
Also try listening to this song "Praise you in this storm" I think thats what it is called. You will find the answer to your question. Good luck and you are in my prayers.
I dont know your situation.. but you did call him STBX, so hopefully the divorce will be finalized soon? have you consulted a lawyer on your rights? if he was the main source of income throughout your marriage, and you were married for many years.. your owed support for YOU too.. if you haven't, I'd definitely talk to a lawyer..
my ex replaced my spot in our family too.. in face the OW I found him cheating with moved into our/now his family home just yesterday.. so I completely get it.. I sit alone in my apartment with thoughts of him and our children (they are with him for the summer, per our parenting plan) and now his new replacement soon to be wife (date set for Jan) is there too.. his perfect world completed right??...
well its always easier to see our ex's lives as rose colored.. bottom line they lied and cheated, and they manipulate to get what they want.. looking at him now I KNOW I want nothing to do with him, we were together 15 years in my case.. but I want to be with someone who gives me their all.. and he didn't, and I really doubt this new relationship of his will work very long either.. but its his choice..
you will get there.. I promise, and I agree with jpr.. one thing at a time.. give yourself a chance to grieve.. and then get up and take on one problem at a time.. eventually it wont get as hard.. but talking with a lawyer about your rights financially may help too.. my ex has to pay both spousal and child support.. so I'm able to continue living the lifestyle I was living while we were together.. he can't just dump you without some ramifications.. you have rights, its just not the easiest thing to fight for when your hurting and vulnerable..
we're here if you need to vent.. just take things a day at a time.. ((hugs))
Since he broke up the family, it seems reasonable for you to be able to stay in the house for awhile.
I have a sneaking suspicion the OW is giving him HER input and I am thinking for your well--being you really need a consult with a lawyer, especially if he is telling you one thing, than later changes his mind. You need to get things in writing.
You really need to protect yourself. Your daughter is old enough that she will probably stay where she wants too. I'm sure your husband will promise her the moon to get her to see his side. She may take some time to come around------- but she will.
I wish you luck
The first thing I would suggest is finding a counselor who specializes in the grief process. Not only would a qualified therapist be able to help you understand an navigate the grief process, but s/he could also help you do it in a way that is less stressful than going it alone. There are many great tools and coping skills that will help you to deal with everything. While I can't diagnose, you might want to ask the potential therapist if they have additional training in what is called complicated grief.
Seeing a counselor will also help you to put things in perspective and better prioritize which things are most important to you.
If you haven't already, see a specialist about the menopause. There are medical and alternative options that can help ease that process.
Let your attorney handle the divorce battles based on what you decide you want.
See if you can't get some help w/your parents. Do they have insurance that pays for a day nurse or sitter? Do they belong to a church or other group where there would be people who would volunteer their time to give you some relief? Check out care givers support groups locally and online.
Above all, take extremely good care of yourself. Allow yourself time and space to honor and feel your feelings w/o judgment. If you don't, they just get stuffed and that just makes everything that much harder.
~healing hugs~
PS, I highly recommend The Art of Extreme Self Care by Cheryl Richardson. It's short and a very easy read.
Folks have given you good comments here. It is devastating. But you can and will get through it. I hope you have a good support system and use them. Wish I could sweep you up in a hug myself.
Please. Please. Please do not agree to any financial concessions without a lawyer. Get one and listen to her. Where I live, you would be entitled to support for a long time. And, the ex cannot unilaterally decide to change either spousal or child support. Please be good to yourself and hang on to your rights...
Sending you lots of positive vibes...