We all have our insecurities. There's a huge difference between someone who goes into a relationship aware of themselves and open to learning and growing with someone as opposed to someone unwilling to acknowledge their own stuff and defensive.

Just as there's a fine line between 'its very late. I'm not comfortable with you out walking around alone, it isn't safe" and no way are you going out with your friends. Its all about me me me kinda thing.

Caring vs. controlling

If I'm feeling insecure, I have no problem telling him that.

I'm not going to go slam the door and lock myself in the bedroom until he complies with my wishes.

I hope that makes sense.

And I don't have to put my partner down so I can feel better about myself.

If you didn't like how I dressed when you met me, you should have walked away.

I don't need someone to "fix" me.

You seem to be very self aware and fair minded Chitown.

Thanks , Clear. I understand. I am not that way either. I know there are serious differences and get what you are saying.

no one needs to fix anyone except we need to work on ourselves to the point where we like or love ourselves. Other than that, if someone wants to tell me how to dress, wear my hair etc. While I am not on the cover of GQ I take constructive criticism, but I don't need someone to dress me up as a doll.

My ex did it subtly. I used to wear nice pants, shoes and jackets almost everywhere. I had a chain, ring and watch. When I met my ex I found my wardrobe started to consist of polos, t-shirts, sneakers, sandals (Which I never wore before, at least without socks :) ), and shorts. No jewelry, not even a watch. I mean, for God's sake I am Italian!!

Anyway, I noticed a total dressy style to a casual style. I didnt realize she was doing it and didnt care at the time. But I notice now. My closet is filled with polo's khakis, casual shoes, etc. Even at work, I quit wearing ties, belts, etc.

hmmm... maybe secretly she was trying to change me.. and it worked...

My ex had a thing with weight. He'd rag on himself and put himself down.

I don't find that approach helpful, the whole beating oneself up like a drill sergeant.

Thing is, he then tried to bully me into his way of thinking. Not cool. I don't respond well to unloving behavior.

Obviously. Lol

Now, if there's toilet paper hanging off my shoe, feel free to say something.

Other than that I don't much appreciate negative comments:)

the funny thing is, no one will tell you about teh toilet paper, but they will tell you how to walk, talk or dress. :)

I know right?

Eh, I'm going to feel good about myself and live my life. If it kills me. My ex can live miserable calling himself a fat bastard and making his new girlfriend as miserable as he is.

thats right Dammit!!! I do always come back to what you said, I am going to feel good about me and my life dammit. I showing that resilience speaks a lot for someone.

Awesome! Rock on brother Chitown, rock on.

Thank you all so much for your responses. It's good to feel that I'm not alone. I have felt very sad today as I truly imagine what would breaking up look like? How would he react and how would life be without him? I second guess myself: is he really that controlling? Are things really that bad? I feel a lot of pain when I think about how much I like his family and how fun we've had on (most of) our trips together. I think the anger I felt the other day has waned a bit and now the reality of what a break up would be like is flooding in . It's very painful :(

So my experience is that I was married to a very controlling, miserable man for almost 16 years. Luckily, I got two wonderful boys from that relationship-lol. I swore I knew the red flags and would never end up in that type of situation again. However, fast forward, I meet a wonderful man that I connect with on many levels. Completely honest with him about what I've been through, what I won't accept ever again. We date 2 1/2 years and marry. A few red flags when I would meet a friend or do my annual girls weekend, but no guy really likes that right? Anyway, continued to "you dress like an exhibitionist" ummm I do wear shorts and T shirts. "you go to the gym like all women, to wear tight clothing and be seen" umm I go to the gym for my exercise and stress relief... don't talk to anyone-lol-it got extremely worse by the end when I was accused of cheating and being a slut-all with no reason-after all, he had gotten all my passwords and was reading all my emails and had my phone records (controlling, YES). Anyway if this had happened up front I would have run! This happened step by step after almost 7 years of marriage and 9 1/2 together. Yes it will get worse.
My point is these are RED flags....I blew a few off and he just got worse.....do not marry him...please get help...if he won't address this with a counselor he will continue and up the ante...also please read "Why Does He Do That" Lundy Bancroft, (thx Sam) great book to explain controlling behavior. I think if you've been in a controlling, abusive relationship you think this relationship is soooo much better than what you were in before, but that does not make it a healthy relationship. Please see if he is willing to see a counselor with you, do not marry him until you work through this......

It took me 27 years of marriage to understand that I was married to a passive aggressive, and I'm not throwing the term around lightly. He would not confront the issues, eventually I had to give up and not ask for anything, let his way be THE way, every time. Even with the marriage counselor, he "forgot" to do the exercises she suggested (and by exercises she meant we should go to a neutral place to talk about the issues brought up in her presence) and when I reminded him of it, he acted like it was never discussed. Like we never had the meeting with the counselor. Like I was insane for mentioning this. This time there was a third party witness to his PA behavior, and I finally felt that my feelings were validated. He is what Chi referred to as a big fat passive aggressive baby. So while Chi makes an excellent point that you two need to find a way in which you can both communicate comfortably, I'm just saying that some people just can NOT communicate on their own. After decades of beating that dead horse, I'm done. Not saying that you will follow in my path if you decide to marry this guy, but keep in mind that some people are just too wounded to every come out of their cocoon. That's something you'll have to discover going forward, hopefully with input from him.

Sorry if it came across that I was saying you were dressing provocatively, I was just trying to use his 'voice'.

One final consideration, not that you or I are shrinks, but consider what his childhood was like. Was it such that he was discouraged from expressing his wishes or feelings? Was he neglected in some tangible or intangible way? My MIL had rose colored glasses on every time she opened her mouth. Her kids could have just set the neighborhood on fire, but she'd tell the firefighters that they were just experimenting, just a little harmless play! Denied every difficult situation, swallowed every hurt. Her kids learned from her and their lives are all "fine, fine" (sarcasm). Just as I learned from my mom how to defer everything to my husband, learned how to be the best doormat I could.

Jojo my MIL wears rose colored glasses and
Still controls her family with her own reality. Its
Amazing to watch the family dynamics. Picture
Perfect on the outside dysfunctional on the inside.

Some of the things cafelover i would talk to your
Own Therapist for guidance. I see red flags, my ex
Was somewhat controlling never about what I wore
or where i was going. I did my own thing Mostly. Not
saying it wasnt there because it was. He was selfish
Too and he could not see that either. HUGS

Suze, you are right on about comparing my current boyfriend to my ex-boyfriend and thinking, "well, he's not abusive like the last one." My current bf does have a lot of really genuinely good qualities: he's smart, works hard, and is close to his family. My last bf was a psychopath or at least a sociopath and had none of the qualities my current bf has. But, that doesn't meant that the behavior my current bf has is okay. And, I have to listen to my feelings. I feel smothered. I feel like I can't be me at times. Like my free-spirited, natural, sensual self isn't acceptable to him-- and he shows this by telling me when I look like I'm dressing too provocatively (God forbid a shirt with a neckline slightly below the collar bone). He didn't want me to wear a bikini last time we went on the beach. It was a perfectly normal bikini but he made me feel like I was strutting around like a hussy when I wanted to take my swimsuit cover off. I saw pictures from his brother and sister-in-laws honeymoon in Fiji. She was wearing a bikini in all of her pics and it took me by surprise. I thought, God, not only would my bf not let me wear a bikini on the beach, he most definitely wouldn't let other people see pictures of me in a bikini. It's interesting that he and his brother are very different in this sense. I see his brother (who is younger) also doesn't have the same control issues. His new wife his heading to Europe for a week with her girlfriends. I about fell over. My bf gets pouty and moody if it's a night of happy hour on a monthly basis with the girls.

My bf often talks to me in this baby talk and always calls me a pet name (doll). He has never called me my actual name. It really does feel like we're in this parent/child relationship although we are the same age. One issue I've really honed in on is that we have never had chemistry. I have never felt chemistry for him. I chalked it up at first to all of the stress that was happening in my life when he and I first met. But I've realized if I never felt chemistry for him before, it's unlikely I'll feel it now. He's a good looking man too. Probably one of the best looking I've ever dated, which makes this even more puzzling. My therapist suggested that if we do decide to break up, that I bring up the reason as being the lack of chemistry and say something like, "I realize that although I think you're very attractive physically and intellectually, I have not felt chemistry. You want more sex and I want less sex, and this is going to be something that will drive a wedge between us. It will leave both of us feeling resentful and won't make for a happy relationship, so I think we need to end the relationship." Something along those lines. I'm considering telling him that but worry, "will this damage his ego too much? Will he feel like I'm telling him he's not good in bed?"

Jojo, no worries about your previous comment about my "provocative" dressing. I realize now you were saying it from his point of view. My immediate reaction whenever anyone questions how I behave or what I wear when it comes to modesty is to get very defensive! But I realize it wasn't meant as a criticism of me. You brought up something interesting about his family dynamic. His mom is sort of the butt of the family jokes. Everything she does is seen as "silly"-- whether it's some type of spiritual practice she does or herbs she buys for health. My bf, his brothers, and his dad tease/mock his mom for some of her hobbies and interests. My bf constantly teases me and although some of the things he teases me about he does in a lighthearted way, other things are more like mocking to show me how ridiculous some of my needs are- like needing to have the a/c on before I sleep when the house gets hotter than 76 is "just all in my head" and I could just get over that silly need if I put my mind to it. Or needing the bedroom lights off for me to fall asleep is also just all in my head. So, I see how he does the mocking thing to me too. I think another family dynamic I have observed is that his mom gets shouted over by him and his dad. If she's arguing about something, one of the men in the family will talk loudly over her until she gives up her argument. I was pretty taken aback when I saw this last time, but I realize arguments do happen....so it's hard to know if it was just a one time heated discussion or if his mom always gets shouted down. Also, she is the family servant. When she comes here to visit, she'll sit at the dinner table while everyone eats and instead of eating herself, she'll wait to see if anyone needs seconds. The minute one of her sons needs more food, she'll jump up and serve him more. She also does all of the dishes after. This explains why my bf feels entitled to expect that every meal appear, be eaten, and then the mess disappear without him having to lift a finger. When I ask him to help, he gets defensive, and says he does help!!! Hmmm...so taking the trash cans to the curb once a week is equal to shopping, cooking, and cleaning every day, huh?

Suze, I actually got out of my psycho relationship with the help of the book "Why Does He Do That?" It is one of the best books I have read by a therapist ever. But, I guess I didn't think it applied in my case because my relationship "isn't that bad". But, it's a book I'll have to revisit. Thank you for the suggestion.

Sounds like a lot of family dysfunction
Many things are unresolved and linger
Long after childhood. I think my ex does
Not like women after his mother being so
Over bearing. Was his father overbearing?
Or was his mother a long suffering martyr?

All that stuff comes into play Eventually
unless they are emotionally mature and
can cope with reality and live life on lifes
terms. If they Stuff all that dysfunction
down it eeks out When they are unhappy
or triggered. Generally with abusers its
The triggers and they need to retrain them
Selves and their reactions to the triggers.
HUGS

It sounds like he is exhibiting the signs of an abuser-controller. If he is, you need to be careful, take care of yourself and move on.

The other alternative may be that you are not healed from your past. If so, I suggest going to counseling that deals with an abusive situation. You may be over-sensitive on your end and “looking for those things” that you have experienced in the past and your judgement may be clouded.

Not saying you are. You are well aware of the signs of an abusive man and your instinct may be right.

Suzy