Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi Everyone,
I joined Daily Strength two years ago when I left an abusive relationship. It was a lifesaver in so many ways. After the abusive relationship, I met another guy. We've been dating almost 16 months now. We are both in our mid-30's, smart, working professionals. I care for him very deeply and love him but have realized over the last few months how different we are when it comes to getting our needs met. I also feel like he's on the controlling side of things. I just don't know how to come to a decision about leaving or if we can work it out and stay. I think some of the biggest things I have issues with are
-him trying to discourage me from seeing friends or going on short trips with my girlfriends. He doesn't say outright that I can't go but he does do things like pout, sulk, act shocked like I'm making some huge demand, and he'll even "threaten" to go party all night with his friends if I do an overnight trip wtih girlfriends. I have confronted him on this and he has been upset since I brought up that it was an issue from me and has been pretty distant. I told him this would be a dealbreaker for me and that I would consider breaking up because of it but that I hoped we could work things out.
-he tries to tell me how to dress, but again, its'pretty subtle. He'll button the top button of my blouse or say, "wow, are you going to wear that?" I feel honestly like my sexuality has been quelched in this relationship because I feel like I have to be a bit prudish. And the lack of sexuality and chemistry in the relationship is also becoming more apparent especially as I feel smothere
-he tries to be controlling about when I leave or where I go at times. We went on a trip together recently to Europe. He wanted to stay in bed every day until noon and not get out to explore until around 1pm or so. I would tell him that I wanted to explore earlier in the day but he would say, "oh it could be dangerous going out on your own, blah, blah" or if I insisted on going out to get coffee and fresh air, he would pout after.
I have such a hard time imaginging us not being together though but don't see how we can work through our issues together either. Also, I really want a family and he wants children too. It makes it very hard to look at the picture clearly and know what's best in the long run. Any suggestions on how to evaluate things? Anyone else deal wtih someone they felt was more controlling? Also, how do you act with each other when you're going through the process of evaluating your relationship? It's so awkward especially when you live together- are you loving? Distant? Kind but distant? (which is what I tend to be) but at the same time, I want to hug him and reassure him things will be okay when I don't know if they will...
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to date find worse or the same they left.. Some say the
pain from the next relationship is worse because of all
the unresolved grief.
My ex was always somewhat controlling it did
Not get better or end well. I would go to therapy
For you and have them help you work thru the
Issues.
The controlling is often very Deeply rooted issues and/
or emotional immaturity, many Problems stem from their
upbringing. They have to Be willing to address them and
be willing to work on the issues honestly. HUGS
This sounds like the three year relationship I just ended for the same reasons you're stating.
It doesn't get better. It gets worse. And the controlling problem is his. I'm telling you if you tolerate it now, it will get worse
Sometimes people have to go through things to see for themselves, but I'm very angry at myself for not bailing sooner.
Next time, should there be one, I'll know better.
But the first time a man tries that insecure, controlling nonsense on me, I'm gone.
I'm not dealing with a manipulative, pouty, big child ever again.
It's emotionally draining.
Like personality disordered. That is a fearful thing
To untangle from, talk to a Therapist to help you
look at the whole picture. They can not diagnose
Them but can steer you whats good for you and
Where you are really at. HUGS
I don't think he's violent or would get violent. Of course, I said that about my last guy and turns out three different women pressed charges for domestic violence. But my current BF doesn't seem to be controlling in a violent way. I just think he really thinks he is always right and it's always best to do things his way. He may be a guy who needs a lot of admiration.
I'm starting therapy this week. Hopefully I'll get some good insight on where to go from here with this relationship but also why this is yet another controlling relationship I'm in. I go through these periods of absolute freedom where I live abroad for a long time, single and free and happy, and then I get into a relationship with either someone who is totally afraid of commitment or someone who is controlling. I can seem to find no balance!
Thank you for your support!
I think i am stronger now and smarter. I
Just hope and pray its true when it comes
Time. Alanon has helped me a lot too. HUGS
There is no way anything I have ever worn is even remotely close to provocative. My wardrobe is about as provocative as Martha Stewart's. I feel like he's just trying to give me the message that I need to pass his wardrobe inspection. Now that I have become more aware, I see how much he criticizes me but tries to make it "look like a joke" sending me the message that I'm too demanding when it comes being comfortable because I like the air conditioning on when I get too hot or like the blinds closed tightly at night to block out the street lights. But I. Made to feel like these are extraordinary demands.
One of my best friends said the exact same thing about really thinking hard about the relationship before kids, especially with a potentially unsupportive partner.
Inner bonding. and Do I have to give up me to be loved by you.
They're so so interesting to me and explain so much.
Anyway, his insecurities and wounded-ness will make life impossible and unhealthy unless he's willing to address them.
Mine went from being mildly insecure to saying "are you really going to wear the fuck me shoes to church". Just plain rude, demeaning and spirit damaging.
No way am I allowing someone to put me in that prison.
You should check out those books on Amazon, very informative.
Mine didn't look crazy. He'd never be physically violent, but what a unhealthy person emotionally. Hard to tell until you're with them for a bit and see how they handle things day to day.
It became progressively worse. Omg never again.
How two people communicate is more important then the words that are said. You may think, "Well I am being direct and telling him how I feel." But guess what, it isn't working for him. Him shying away is clear he doesn't know how to react / approach the situation so he retreats. His coping skills are in effect, but for him. Being someone who acted in similar manners I can say it wasn't cus I wanted to be controlling. I have also been labeled as passive agressive. When in reality, what I feel is that I didn't handle the situation correctly in trying to communicate my wants and needs. So its best I wade this out, figure out how to do it better next time, then move on. and when I say working this out, I took it on myself as something I needed to work on instead of working on it with my partner. I felt it was a short coming I had and needed to work on. So I got quiet cus I didn't handle it right the first time, so I had no idea what to do but to be quiet.
Then again, there are big passive agressive babies who will try to control others with their pouty sulking actions. Making you feel bad for being who you are. But not everyone is like that so try to not to put someone in a group before you know the real reason why they act like they do.
I guess for me, bottom line is, not everyone communicates the same way and not everyone is a big baby or trying to have some control over you. So knowing how your partner communicates, whether effective for you or not, is key in being able to work together to open the lines of communication and learn how to effectively get your wants and needs across to each other.
Unfortauntely, many want and think people should come ready made. Like we can read the label on the package and know what we will get. then when we open it, it is spoiled and we throw it away. This isn't a grocery store, people and relationships take work, experiences need to happen in order for people to know whats what so to build their character or stay as they see fit. You can choose to particpate or go back to the store and buy a different package and hope for the best.
Welcome to the group
If you can get him into therapy with you he will find another way to try to control you.
Listen to the part of yourself, that inner knowing, that's telling you something's "off".
Something is off.
I made a lot of excuses for him. "Well, he's been hurt, he just needs to see I'm not that kind of person",..
Unfortunately he didn't return the kindness. It became all about him and his feelings.
I should have listened to myself.