Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. For the last 3 years at least. maybe longer, I've actually lost track, he has slept on the couch. I can count on one hand the times we have had sex, and 99.9% of those times it was only oral--I should clarify only that it only benefitted him. He rarely attends to my needs at all, only if I get angry, and then it's manual stimulation...more like he's being bothered than really caring. At first he thought it was medical, related to his smoking. So he quit, which was not easy, but he did it for us, and to be around for our children. Nothing has changed--it's actually gotten worse. He refuses to address it, usually blaming the kids for taking up space in "our" bed...which 9 times out of 10 just isn't true. I have tried dropping hints, coming out point-blank & practically begging him to come to bed. I now refer to our room as my bedroom, his closet. I've given up trying. In addition, he has been out of work for the last 6 years. Voluntarily, I might add. When he quit his job, he had aspirations of working from home, being self-employed. I thought I would give him at least a year--time sure does fly by. I had to look up old tax returns to see just how long it had been. I was appalled! I need to bring up both points to him, but just can't seem to find the words or the perfect time. I'm concerned what my children (all 3 boys) are learning from all this. I don't want them to think this is normal activity for a husband and wife. My husband isn't contributing financially or sexually--although he does take care of our 2 younger boys (the oldest boy does not belong to him) I just don't feel that we have much of a marriage left. Any suggestions?
My husband's dad (my FIL) passed away a few years ago but this story is about him. It's going to be long so I'm sorry! My in-laws have been nothing but nice to me so I hope it doesn't sound like I don't like them. I just don't like the decisions they made.
FIL grew up poor but has 3 college degrees. Super smart man. He was a contractor but his business partner left and took everything when my hubby was 7. FIL refused to work for anyone but himself. Rather than getting a new job or starting a new business, he didn't work for 10 years. My hubby's family had to move into his grandparent's (mom's parent's) basement where they lived for 10 years. The basement had no rooms, it was one big open space for my hubby, his sister and his parents. He lived there with no privacy from age 7 -17.
His mom dropped out of college a semester before she would have graduated to marry FIL. She was a stay at home mom but because FIL wasn't working but she got a job at big box store to pay their bills and has worked there ever since. She doesn't make good money and they treat her like crap. She's old enough to retire and wants to so badly but she can't afford to stop working. Even when his dad started working again he just did odd jobs for not a lot of money.
My in-laws have nothing. They lived paycheck to paycheck so they couldn't invest for retirement and now that my hubby's mom is a widow, she is struggling to get by. She lives in a house that needs tons of repairs but it's something they bought before his dad died and it's cheaper for her to live there than an apartment or condo. Something breaks all the time and my hubby is the one who has to fix it and it's a huge burden on him.
My FIL stopped paying his college loans because he wasn't working and because my hubby has almost the same name as his dad, collection agencies started calling our house right after we got married. They continued to call even after he passed away several years ago. I had just married into this family and I immediately starting fearing that I was going to be responsible for his dad's debt. It got our marriage off to a rough start. His dad was delusional. He talked about how one day they'd buy some land out east and build a beautiful home. HOW? WITH WHAT MONEY?
FIL really screwed his family and it damaged my hubby. My hubby had a crappy childhood because of his dad. He couldn't have friends over, he never had birthday parties, his dad never played with him and he never went to his high school games even though he wasn't working. He was a terrible role model. Ironically last week I told this story to the counselor I'm seeing and she said my hubby needs counseling because this screwed him up. It's a big reason our marriage is failing. His parents let life happen to them, never made an effort to improve situations and never made decisions. My hubby never learned to make decisions and it is affecting us. She said if we ever had kids we'd fight because I would be the decision maker since he never makes them and he would blame me when decisions I make are bad.
Throughout our marriage my hubby has cried because he feels so bad for his mom. His grandparents didn't like his dad because he wasn't taking care of their daughter and their grandkids. He was caught in the middle between his grandparents and his dad. I got mad because he was always upset about it but it wasn't his fault! He was a kid. Hid dad should have supported his family, his mom could have left his dad but she didn't.
Because his mom has nothing we've helped with some financial things and repairs. My hubby feels like he has to take care of her and when she has problems and I have problems and his sister has problems (she's now divorced) he's overwhelmed and it is another thing that has contributed to the demise of our marriage.
My point in telling you this is because it is so similar to your situation. I am your crystal ball. I don't want you to end up like my mother-in-law and I don't want your kids to end up like my husband. They need to see a good marriage and have parents who are good role models. If you can fix the marriage then that is definitely the ideal solution but after witnessing my husband's family's situation, I don't think divorce is such a bad thing.
It's so easy for us on the outside to tell you what to do but we're not in your shoes. Do what is best for you and your kids and your future. I'm sorry you're going through this. When you get married you never imagine you'll end up in a situation like this but unfortunately you do. Hang in there. Hugs for you!
You stated, " I'm not really sure he even knows how unhappy I have become; I know I need to sit down & discuss everything, I just don't want to hurt him."
Nobody knew my ex was unhappy. Not me, not her best friends, not her parents, not a soul. She kept it all to herself and how is anyone suppose to even make an attempt at bringing more satisfaction into her life when she appears happy and content with the way things are? The day before she told me she wanted a divorce she told me she loved me and we stood there at the kitchen sink and kissed. What???
Then you state you don't want to hurt him. I heard the same words. I told her it is much better to rock the boat than sink the ship! Talk about hurt!? How can a divorce request out of the blue hurt less than anything else? I was in shock, total bewilderment and then of course pure denial that this was happening. You're setting a very similar stage it seems and that is why in my last post I mentioned being very clear as to what is failing for you. He cannot respond accordingly without grasping the depth of the situation. Do your best for him to truly understand, BEFORE you get to the ultimate famous last words, "Too little, too late."
WhatHappened88's story is definitely not a desirable situation, however, had she divorced him she still would have likely ended up at the big box store to make ends meet and been poor yet today. Just because a bad situation is left doesn't mean a good or even better one is waiting around the corner. It can get worse and stats prove it usually does. I recall reading an entire county in California had house values plummet beyond the rest of the market simply because of the amount of divorces that took place and saturated the market with houses. How does anyone see that as better?
You're 47, my divorce started at age 49 and ended when I was 50. I'm 58 now and I've dated four women since the divorce, one of which lived with me for a tad over 2 years. All really commendable women. I had a good time with them all but the reasons are GREATER for failure when trying to blend two adult's lives along with their children and grandchildren. Just attending my grandkid's sporting events was a full time job, now add a whole additional set. It just doesn't work like so many think it will.
I've read every comment given here and while some profiles are private so I have to guess at the gender I'm seeing a pattern. The women are encouraging you to divorce, the men are encouraging you to put as much effort as possible into saving the marriage. As a footnote, women file for 80% of the divorces. What the heck is going on here? I just can't believe there at that many worthless males in the country. There is something else going on that has put expectations of women in unrealistic territories. If I was your husband you couldn't claim lack of sex or lack of financial support, (your two biggies), because neither was a problem. Doesn't matter though does it? My wife divorced me anyway. Her brother even ripped her a new one for doing it. HER friends came to me in support. The scale is too tipped as to who wants divorces and I hope that somehow the trend goes away, I have THREE sons, all married, to WOMEN. God help them. Bring home the wrong toothpaste and you're outta here.
Did you answer my previous post questions to yourself? How are you going to replace what he does offer? How are going to get what you aren't now? I had a new coworker make a statement to me that has stuck with me for decades. He moved to this area and starting work where I was. After a bit he said, "I guess I've learnt you can't run from one place to another to rid yourself of problems. They merely follow you where you go." I've thought about running to a new locale and starting anew after my divorce several times. I conclude the same thing each time. I'm running from something, not TO something. How the 'running' is initiated will play a huge role in the outcome it produces. You can flounder anywhere, locale doesn't care. It's not the locale, and oftentimes, (not always), it's not the marriage either.