I am sorry you have to go through all this. Have you tried couciling ? I am guessing that he wouldnt go anyway , but it is an avenue to try to save your marriage.

I think you are also right on what he is teaching the boys. They are very influential at there ages and learning what life is like and should be like when they grow up. This is not a normal behavior to be learning. I would suggest trying therapy and if all else fails divorce. I am sorry to say that.

thanks lostsoul72...you are right, he wouldn't go to counseling. we have two sets of family members that have gone this route & he says it's just a way for doctors to make more money. I have consulted a few close friends & they all tell me pretty much exactly what you just said. I guess I just had to see it in black & white. Thank you!

If you decide to go the divorce route, do everything you can to encourage him to get a job first. You don't want to be in a position where you're expected to support him.

I would say you've had enough. And things are not getting better, they are getting worse. I too had a husband who was out of work for almost 3 years and who rarely was intimate with me. (We were married for 9 years.) He didn't even like me to sleep in the same room as him because I wanted to go to sleep early because I had to work in the morning, and he didn't want to be bothered. You are right, what your husband is doing is not normal activity. It sounds like he has stopped caring or lacks the motivation to get it together. I had to leave and separate from my (ex) husband for a few months for him to finally realize that he lost the best thing he had all because of his carelessness. At that point he said he was willing to do anything to repair the marriage. In my case, it could not be repaired due to other factors (he had an affair), but it not to say that separation wouldn't help another couple. We had already been through counseling before and it didn't create change in him. Some people have to lose it all to finally wake up. And if he doesn't, you'll be just fine. In fact, you might even look back and think, wow...I can't believe I dealt with that for so long.

Thank you all so much for your input. Missy73, I was also given this piece of advice from a friend of mine. They told me I could actually lose custody of my kids since he is the one primarily caring for them...even though he has no means to support them, no vehicle for emergencies. Completely shocked me on that one. Felifel...I appreciate your input as well...we haven't been sleeping in the same room either & that really has bothered me. I'm not sure a separation would work, but it is worth a try and you're right...I will be just fine. It's my boys that I'm worried about. I have done everything in my power for them to have a stable home...but at the same time, I want them to be brought up right. It's such a fine line (at least to me).

So sorry - wow, the things that we do for love. I would say your enough, was enough long ago. 3 years sleeping on a couch, 6 years with no job - Yikes!!! - You are right, that isn't a marriage - that's torture, lack of consideration, a burden, anything but a marriage. So sorry.

Wishing you peace.

I had similar issues in my marriage. Lack of intimacy, sleeping in separate rooms for years. It was a miserable existence feeling like I had a roommate instead of a husband. There was one year I think we were intimate only two times. I just felt rejected and frustrated.

I also didn't want my boys to think this was the norm. I was conflicted and felt trapped and stuck. He ended things this spring after going through what appeared to be a midlife crisis at 37. It was painful for me because as bad as it was,,that was my life for 13 years. I'm doing better and children are adaptive and resilient. They are doing well good luck!

have you considered that he needs some help mentally, could he have some form of depression?
i think that marriage vows obligate us to the other in that the sickness & health, for better or worse, don't always come in forms that we accept or expect,
that being said, you do you best to help him but if he is beyond help or ...worse not wanting help then he doesn't want TO Help and that severs the vows
you teach your boys how to be compassionate men
you give your husband a chance to be one, the chnace only lasts so long,
tell him the clock is winding down

I was thinking pretty much what refurb said about depression. If a man's libido is lacking and there isn't actual physical reasons to explain it, it likely lies within his head, (no pun intended). I went through a spell of this myself shortly after my divorce. How the heck can a guy keep it up when his mind is totally somewhere else except for the instantaneous excitement level? You women just have to lay there if worse comes to worse. Then, if a failed attempt is made, it's all the worse next time because that thought lingers on. It's just safer to avoid it or experience further embarrassment.

Being out of work for 6 years surely isn't painting a very rosy picture in his mind either regardless how he makes it appear on the surface unless he's been a freeloader all his life. The average male finds a good percent of his value and self worth in his work. Did depression seem to appear when his self employment didn't pan out? Do you think he's depressed?

So many think divorce is the answer, and at times it just may be, but it's way over-rated. Even when one partner thinks they've found Prince Charming or Lady Godiva it doesn't take long before they learn they've just simply found another person with weaknesses and faults. All that gets accomplished is changing out the source and oftentimes adding to the problems found in blended families. For decades the folly of the greener grass has been proven it's usually quite brown. The percentages of marriage failure climb right with the number of marriages. Second marriages find divorce more often than first marriages. Third marriages divorce more often than second marriages. Fourth marriages.... on and on. Of course there are exceptions but you're playing against the house.

So if you divorce what are your plans then? How are you going to replace what you aren't getting from him? How are you going to replace what you are getting from him?

As far as what the 3 boys are learning from this is likely subjective. Many kids turn out different from their parents. Kids from the same parents turn out different from their siblings. Teaching our kids that divorce is an option isn't exemplary either. What's best for the kids usually supports that which we wish to happen, nothing more.

Have you asked him what he thinks a marriage should be like? Have you told him you don't feel like you're in a marriage? Have you told him that if this marriage doesn't begin to mimic what your visions of what a marriage is then you will soon no longer pretend it is one? Be clear, be frank, be blunt, no hints that men can't read or grasp. We don't think like you do. When you flip your hair all it means is there must have been a fly caught in it, nothing more. Capiche?

I am so glad I decided to post this here. All of your comments have really hit home with me...Transitions1273, you hit the nail right on the head with the roommate comment. I've often told my friends I feel like I have a live-in maid/gardener/nanny. That's really what he has become. Refurb & Larry5577, your comments are spot-on as well. In all honesty, if I think back far enough, our sleeping arrangements probably do go back farther than 3 years. For the first year of his "self-employment" he tried several different things--internet marketing, selling on ebay, etc. He was always open & frank about failing & moving on to the next venture. I should mention here that his father passed away 8 years ago & left him a sizable enough inheritance for him to be comfortable quitting his job to pursue this. However, I should also mention that the inheritance did not last long. He did do a few things for us, such as pay off my vehicle, bought a few things for the house, etc...but the majority was invested in his self-employment opportunities. He finally settled on foreign currency trading, which took a good part of the next 2 years for him to understand. We were able to claim the losses on our tax returns, which wasn't all bad, but then his money ran out & without money, you can't make money. He no longer tells me how he's doing...I see charts up on his computer all the time, but his last bank statement had a balance of less than $10. I have often wondered if his lack of income toward our family has contributed to our situation. It's interesting that you point that out. He hasn't been a freeloader until recently; before we were married, he had custody of an ex-girlfriend's son that he worked tirelessly to provide for. I do think there may be some depression, but I doubt that he would admit to it. I'm not really sure he even knows how unhappy I have become; I know I need to sit down & discuss everything, I just don't want to hurt him. But I can't go on much longer like this either. I really appreciate all your comments, it helps so much to know there are people out there with exactly the same issues I am facing!

One more comment for the day...Transitions1273, you also mentioned a mid-life crisis with your husband. Mine turns 50 this year...I hadn't really thought of that angle. Perhaps that is part of the problem as well...thank you for your insight. At first, and still sometimes today, I blamed myself. I was sure it was because I had gained so much weight, he was no longer attracted to me. He would never admit to that, he can be very considerate in some matters. You all have given me much to think about....

Some one wrote "i think that marriage vows obligate us to the other in that the sickness & health, for better or worse, don't always come in forms that we accept or expect"

I so agree with this - however, doesn't seem like he's keeping his end of the deal with it comes to marriage vows.

Also, therapy is great, I believe in it but it doesn't fix everything and there is a difference between being dedicated, loving, loyal, etc, while married vs putting up for years with this type of situation. This lady sounds to me that if she continues to deal with this she will be the one needing a shrink and will develop tons of other depression and health related issues if she hasn't already. She's dealing with sexual neglect and financial neglect - basically the biggest items that a man should be responsible for while in a marriage - it amazes me that some will recommend to her to check if the man is depressed - what I see is a woman who will go nuts trying to stay any longer - folks need to know when it's time to quit. There is a difference between just walking away out of being spoiled or selfish vs knowing when ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I would at least pursue a legal separation - ask him to leave, get his own place - if you feel like it's worth it - tell him to seek counseling, get a job and at that point you will study the chance of letting him come back - people treat us like we allow - He quit his job 6 years ago and hasn't gotten another one? - he must know that you will support him and the household - well let him know his free ride is over. Some people need to be forced to step up to the plate - seems like he needs to man up but he's not going to do that while you keep allowing certain things.

Good luck

milliejay...thank you for your blunt but very honest opinion. You couldn't be more correct in your assessment of me. Actually, as I type, I am trying to recover from the worst sickness I have had in a long time. I never get sick, but apparently my defenses are down from dealing with the stress... I hate the word depression, but I have to realize it is a real condition & can happen to anyone, even me. I have considered a legal separation, but it wouldn't solve my problem of being a one-income family trying to raise 3 boys. It would actually put me in a worse position, as I would have to rely on my aging parents to care for my children. Which they would happily do, I might add--it was even suggested by my father. But on the other hand, it just may be the jolt he needs to come back to the real world. Thank you for your comments.

You mentioned you feel that you have a "live-in maid/gardener/nanny." That suggests he is actually doing SOMETHING with his time at home, rather than just sitting on the sofa watching football, and drinking too much beer every afternoon. Does he see himself as the "house-husband" and you as the breadwinner? That would be a perfectly acceptable arrangement - provided you both acknowledge and accept that arrangement.

I think he is depressed, in a rut, and drifting. And I think refurb is right: You have an obligation to try and help him find his footing. If he won't go to counseling, then you need to go on your own. Then at some point you should tell him, "Would you please come to my therapist appointment with me? You would help my therapist to have a better, fuller picture of me." He might find it acceptable/reassuring to go in order to help YOU, rather than seeking help for himself or as couples counseling.

But if all you do is "grin and bear it," nothing will change. Nothing. So, at some point you will have to tell him "I am not happy. THIS is not working for me."

Speaking of work, the longer you "let" him stay out of work, the more likely it is that a court will award him spousal support/alimony. A judge will say "Hey, if you couldn't get him to find a job in eight years, what makes you think a court can or should force him to get a job?"

Very good point Mr. Cellophane, about the court awarding him spousal support. Had worried about custody of my boys, but never thought about alimony. And yes, he does do a lot around the house...again, he's more like a maid or a nanny. He is a house-husband, although that was never our arrangement. I wouldn't have a problem with it if I made more, I'm just constantly straining to make ends meet. And the older the boys get, the more they want to get into. I am already tired of telling them they can't do this or be in that because we can't afford it. It's simply not fair to them. They did not ask to be put in this situation, and come to think of it, neither did I. When we were married, he made the comment that one-income families just cannot exist in today's world like they did when we were kids. Now, 10 years later, here we are. I will address both issues with him...the lack of income and lack of sex are about equal problems at this point. Thanks for your support.