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When does the sadness stop?

bigguy3
bigguy3
I have a lot of very fond memories of my marriage. My happiest memories are ones that I shared with my ex-wife. These memories have always been a "safe place" to let my mind wander to when I have been stressed or feeling down. Now, however, there is a lot of sadness that accompanies these memories. I don't want to forget any of these memories because they are an integral part of my life and they are indeed "happy" memories ... but there is an association there that now brings pain into them. It has only been 6 months since my divorce and I am really just starting to get myself back into world again but I am having difficulty dealing with stress and feeling down because the method I used to "recharge" my battery, now tends to increase the stress and make me depressed.

When does that pain and sadness stop? Does it ever? To me it seems the two feelings will now be linked forever. To be able to enjoy the happy feelings associated with those happy memories (the birth of our children, family vacations, sharing very personal experiences, special intimate occasions, etc), I will also have to suffer the sadness of the profound loss of the person I shared them with. Can new, happier memories come into my life to make these memories less painful?
deleted_user
deleted_user
What about thinking about your children? The moment they were born, a little league you attended, a dance retical, helping them ride a bike.. anything to do with your children.

You are divorced for their mother but you will always be there Dad....

Hang in there, keep smiling
deleted_user
deleted_user
Have you ever lost a very close loved one? I lost my best friend when I was 18. I sometimes still have tender moments thinking about her and what she would be like now. The memories are forever. The pain of losing her is forever, but time eases the pain.
bigguy3
bigguy3
Mycherub, I do have some very fond memories about my children and I have been thinking more about them and I am makeing more fond memories with them. However, my ex-wife was the first person I had ever completely given my heart to. There are many truly unique memories there and it is just very difficult to come to grips with the loss.

Zoom9, yes my father passed away a few years ago. We had a really good relationship and I loved him very much. He was very sick and his death actually eased the pain (for him and those that loved him). His death was far easier to accept than my divorce. With the divorce there is no "finality" to it. The person is still there and it was her choice to terminate the marriage.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You should count your self lucky that you have a few fond memories. Many of us on DS have even less and the very few fond memories I do have are from along time ago.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I do not know what to tell you. I think the happy memories you have of your wife will always be touched with regret. I should have a better handle on it after this week as I am going to go on vacation at my father-in-law's house in Maine with the children. It is the first time I will have done this without my stbx. I am not sure how it will go and if I will be able to handle the memories- some happy and others decidedly not happy. Here's hoping that better futures are in store for all of us.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think with time you will be able to look back on those memories and appreciate them without as much sadness. While we are still grieving the loss of the relationship, the memories remind us of what we have lost. Once we are through the grieving process the memories will be enjoyable once more, although probably always tinged with a sense of regret that things did not work out. Work on looking forward to the new memories that you will create as you enter this new phase of your life. There could be some very happy times ahead that you cannot yet imagine.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Although I am still battling through this myself, there will come I think when you'll simply grow tired of it. The fact you have good memories means you are lucky, cus not everyone does. I think once you start taking steps towards a new future for yourself (WITH your kids of course, cus you'll always be their dad - ONLY you) it'll make the step of letting go of the past a little more possible.
bigguy3
bigguy3
I see a couple of responses here that list "regret" as the feeling I'd associate I with these memories. I associate my divorce with a profound sense of loss ... but not regret. I know I did everything I could to try and save my marriage. I owned up to the errors I made in the relationship and I continue to strive on not making the same mistakes again.

I know that I can move forward and make new happy memories but I don't know if the sadness and loss can ever be "un"linked to those previous happy memories.
JennyN
JennyN
bigguy3: I agree with you. I have no regrets for I know I did all I could have done to make my marriage work. I gave the best 7 years of my life (so far anyway!) and cherish all the memories we made together. They are painful and wonderful at the same time. He was such a big part of "me" for so long, now I have to find "me" for myself and make new memories and then find another to make memories with and move on. I am sad my marriage broke up and I am sad my stbx husband didn't give it his all, but...I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about what I will look for in any future relationship and what I will not settle on. There will come a day when it won't hurt as much to look back and then there will come a day when I don't need to look back at all. Hopefully you can do the same one day.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It stops when you forgive yourself and your wife for your marriage not making it. For a while we have to live in the sadness. Not the pain. But yes the sadness. Then will come new memories. And they don't make the old memories any less important to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm not sure that the sadness ever actually stops and you can "un-link" it from the happy memories, I just think that over time they get easier to handle, the sadness lessens and becomes so much easier to deal with and so on.

I am ashamed to say that at only 34 this is my second marriage that has ended. My first husband cheated on me before, during and after our marriage and I thought that I'd never recover from the pain BUT it was only when I met my current husband and he showed me that I could love again and be loved that I could look back on my first marriage, remember the good times and it didn't hurt.

You will one day have a relationship which although may be completely different from the one you had with your wife, will bring you such happiness that even though your old memories can never be replaced it is time to move on and make new ones.

I have no idea how I will get over the breakdown of this marriage, I am months and months away from even dating again but sometimes I can look at photos of us happy and in love and smile and remember the good times. I'm not ready to let go of those memories yet or for them to stop hurting but one day I will be and you will be too.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I understand. It's only been 3 weeks for me but we were separate for few years. Living together but apart.
It's hard think about the good memories. The bad memories do over come them.
I don't know what to say, but to hang in their and take one day at a time.I'm trying this too!
Pam
deleted_user
deleted_user
What sadness and grief I had at the begining of this rollercoaster ride has turned to anger, resentment and a little anxiety. I have a lot of regrets and I wish I had never met my sucubuss because when I look back on all of it, it was not worth all the pain she has brought me. If I could do it all over again I would avoid her like the plague.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I too went through that process. I've learned that is a grieving process of a loss and it will take what ever time it needs. You can never erase anything but remember the good the bad and the ugly and grateful. Its been 5 yrs for me and I still think about the good times and missing that part of my life, but I also am living a life today. I also think about what I could have changed but I would only be mind F myself and lead myself into self destruction. Today I live my life without that part and I'm okay and you will be too.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i dont think the sadness stops, it just gets easier to cope with until one day the happy feelings will be stronger than the sad feelings. Am going though a tough time right now where all there seems to be is sad feelings but my children really help be deal with the sadness just hearing them laugh or talking to them about their days really seems to help me forget about the sadness, even if it just for awhile. Good luck!