Can you say, I'd rather you not say anything at all if you can't say anything nice about me? or would that just set him off on a rampage?

I assume you meant you can do nothing right......

Yep been there done that..... walked away and left everything behind. When do you say enough is enough? When it is.....

Welcome to DS. Sorry youre hurting but so glad you found us. Everyone here has/is going through the same thing you are. We understand and offer support, advice and even an occasional laugh.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.


Do you want to get divorced? The decision to divorce is critical, with consequences that can last a lifetime. Marital problems, pain in your relationship and frustration with it does not always mean divorce.

Below are questions you should ask yourself before you get divorced. Go over these questions together, as a couple. Should you decide divorce is the answer for you, at least your spouse wont be blindsided by your feelings.

1. Do you still have feelings for your spouse?
Have your feelings diminished or, are you feeling powerless over a problem in the marriage and due to this, there is a lack of emotional closeness. If there are still feelings of love and affection then you should work on the relationship before deciding on divorce.

You do not want to get caught up in the emotions of a situation like divorce and then realize youve made a mistake. If there is any love left, seeking couples therapy will mean not suffering feelings of loss after an un-needed divorce.

2. Was there even a marriage to begin with?
If your marriage has never been anything more than two people living together and getting their own needs met then divorce may be the answer. Marriage is a unified coupling of two people who work for the best interest of the relationship. Married couples work together for the good of the relationship. If there is no couple, only two people fighting for their own needs then, now would be a good time to either commit to changing the dynamics of the relationship or parting ways.

3. Is it divorce you want or, are you just threatening divorce?
Are you angry at your spouse and threatening divorce out of frustration over the problems in the marriage? Do you use threats of divorce to get your way or as a means of having power over your spouse?

Are you frustrated and feel that threatening divorce will finally get your spouses attention and they will take you seriously? If it is solutions you are looking for, threatening divorcewill not get you where you want to be. You need couples therapy for that. If it is divorce then stop threatening and take a mature, informed step in the right direction.

4. Is your decision to divorce based on emotional reaction or true self awareness?
If you are ready for divorce you will have let go of any emotional attachments you have to your spouse. These are good feelings and negative feelings that often come into play during marital conflict. Deciding on divorce at a time when you are overwhelmed with emotions won't solve problems. It generates problems and compounds any hurt and frustration you may be feeling.

Unless you can look at your spouse as an individual who deserves your respect, even during the divorce process you are asking for trouble. If you cannot, the divorce process will be riddled with frustration, anger and distrust of the motives of your spouse.

5. What is motivating you to divorce?
Are you hoping that a divorce will mean your spouse will start treating you better? Maybe they will realize what they have lost and make the changes you need them to make. If so, you are divorcing for the wrong reasons. Divorce will only promote conflict, not resolve it.

All a divorce will do is end your marriage and split apart your family. If you want a change in the dynamics between you and your spouse, it isnt divorce you want. Something to think about; once you have divorced, your spouse is free to form emotional attachments to others. If that thought is uncomfortable, think twice before making a decision.

6. Have you thought about the negative consequences of divorce?
Divorce can mean a loss of dreams and goals. Even if you are positive it is a divorce you want you need to have a support system in place to help you deal with the stress associated with divorce.

You need to be able to face your childrens pain and be there to help them cope. If you are the one wanting the divorce, you will have to deal with the pain of others. Dont let guilt over wanting a divorce stand in the way of helping those hurt cope with the divorce.

7. Are you able to act in a mature way after the divorce?
Your attitude will determine what kind of life you will have after the divorce. Will you be strong, take responsibility and let go of any anger and resentment? Or, will you remain bitter, resentful and feel like a victim? The attitude you choose to live with will determine, not only the kind of divorce you have but the quality of life you have after you divorce.

its up to you when enough is enough. there are people that live their whole lives like this because its enough isnt enough to them.
then there are those who have had it and realize they deserve more and that their time and value is worth more than being put down and they leave. its not easy. but it sounds like staying isnt easy either.

only you can make that decision. its a personal decision. and in my opinion, if you are asking us, you have already made a decision for yourself. you arent alone here. keep reaching out. take care of you. it may not seem like there is better in the world than what you have experienced. you may seem so used to what you have lived with for almost 30 years that you dont want more than that. but there is better. your time is valuable. and you are in control of your life, which is scary and empowering all at the same time. all the best.

I agree..it sounds like you know what you want to do.

Is your hesitation fear of what his reaction will be?

You have EVERY right when he starts to say: "Stop. You have no right to talk to me that way. Let me know when you are ready to talk to me respectfully." and walk away. Unfortunately a lot of verbal abuse leads to physical, I hope for your sake it does not. Has it ever before?

Sounds like you need a new life.... without him...

Your daughter should be indicative of knowing when it's enough. Fear is driving you. I'm sorry for your situation. I'm about to send you the welcome links.

Welcome to DS. I'm sorry for your pain. We know that drill all too well and it is so sad to see someone going through this hurt. Here are the links that a fellow DS member, PGamble and with contributing members, put together. We all care. It's time roll up your sleeves and start taking those necessary steps before we MARCH MARCH MARCH. Do your part and we will walk beside you and you should seek counseling in addition to your daily strength. Godspeed.



http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/2816539-manual



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358621-stages



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358615-loveless



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358611-7steps



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358596-no-contact



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358587-forgiveness



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358584-loving-yourself



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358575-loneliness



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358567-pastas-posted



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358554-drama



http://dailystrength.org/help/crisis-resources



http://www.hud.gov/homeless/index.cfm



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/6969338-your-message



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/7880220-break-up-survival-guide/lastpage



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/8291684-survivors-bill-rights/lastpage



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/8686330-101-little-instructions-surviving/lastpage

Here is another contribution from a beloved member that will be leaving us...Zen11...we will miss her and we thank her for so much and of course, for her parting words that she allowed me to share with you:

I have watched many come and go...and come and go again. I have read too many "good-bye cruel DS world" threads, not that there's anything wrong with that. Its just not my thing. As much as I would like to acknowledge some wonderful people publicly, I'll just keep this here and hope that some find this with sweet serendipity.

I'm certainly one who likes to give her opinion and advice, so it really was difficult to end my thread addiction. So here is my final advice (yeah, gotta have the last freakin word):

On online support group etiquette:

1. don't be an ass. I could write a dissertation on this topic alone. I will spare you.

2. yes, there is a difference between a 20 y.o.'s 2 month relationship blowing up and a 40 y.o.'s 15 year marriage tanking, but pain is pain. Have some compassion for pete's sake. Refer to #1 before responding.

3. number nabbing is a serious sport. it is not for the weak or those with dial up connections.

4. online groups aren't all that different from "real people" groups. you wouldn't walk into a party and start talking shit about people you don't know so don't do it online either. read the threads. read the responses. learn about the people in the group. refer to #1 before responding.

5. creating multiple profiles, trolling, stalking, etc. is creepy and just plain wrong. shame on you. refer to #1.

6. nothing good can come of starting a thread after midnight on a lonely Friday night while drinking. trust me on this one. okay, maybe some good. those who are sober are usually thoroughly entertained.

7. starting new threads every half hour that pretty much detail your every thought is grounds for banning. okay, it isn't, but it should be. Journal that shit.

All right. Getting off my high horse now. I should be allowed up on the soap box once and awhile considering my veteran status. :)