I'm lying here awake in my first night in my new apartment. This separation has been going on since October. I don't feel better at all, I feel like I'm holding on by a thread. I sometimes fantasize that if it gets any harder I might need to find an escape. It's a disturbing way to think. I couldn't leave my young daughters, could I? I really don't think I'm in danger of acting on these thoughts but I have to express that I have them. I think realizing the depths of my hurt is the only honest chance I have at recovery.

I have days where I feel confident and hours where I don't feel the gaping hole in my life and soul. Not sure these times are more frequent or longer lasting than they were a month ago, but I have to admit that I do have my good moments. 

Here's the problem... Do I follow my heart and soul and continue to believe that my wife will one day want us to reconcile and work together on our quite fixable issues, or do I ignore my instincts and force myself to move on without regard for thoughts of healing our marriage?  I mean I love this woman, but I hate what she's putting us all through without a single effort to save our family. Am I just the voice of every person who's ever been left by their spouse? Do my instincts that my family still has a chance as long as I keep hope alive actually have some merit?

I love my wife enough that I've done everything in my power to to give her the space that she said she needed . I agreed to sell our house, I've moved out, I don't call or text unless it's about the girls or the logistics of our separation. Yet, she seems to find a way to always text or call about issues unrelated to us. Her internet won't work, work is really busy, her new furniture is broken... Small stuff for sure and no reason for me to think this might mean she misses me more than she realizes, right? Then when I show concern or offer reasonable solutions she rejects them, every single time. It's almost comical.

She has her mom doing everything for her. She's used to getting her way and she talks to her mom like she's her servant, has since long before I ever met her. I have no family close enough to be there for me like she does. I feel like she's been enabled her whole life and this situation is in part a manifestation of that.

I still love her and will do anything to not close the door on us. I will not beg though, she knows I love her I've told her, and she probably feels confident I'll always be available. I continue to show my love by being attentive and by not fighting her attempts to get space (which takes more love than I actually thought I was capable of). What's the end game though? Am I fool to hold onto her in my head, heart, and soul? I know life would go on without her, but I would choose the other path. The one where we reconnect and create the relationship we both deserve. Am I a fool?