You just said it. You want proof that you're not insane. That's perfectly reasonable, understandable, and in fact healthy to want proof that what you believe - is in fact reality. In unhealthy relationships, where you're lied to repeatedly, you start maybe not trusting your truth radar. It goes all screwy because this person who you love is doing the ultimate betrayal while pretending to be honest and faithful and loving. Eventually, you realize that person IS lying. But you just can't understand why. Maybe you want to figure out the WHYs of the lies. It hurts to be lied to. It hurts to discover that your partner couldn't love you the way you deserve. That's why you want more proof. Because you can't understand their hideous, selfish, soul-sucking motives.

In the beginning of my awakening to stbx's passive aggressiveness, I doubted myself SO SO much. I gave him chance after chance, excuse after excuse. He always presented all of his excuses as if he didn't understand why the big deal? So what if he "forgot". So what if what he promised didn't happen. It was someone else's fault after all, not his. When I would question his logic, or refute his facts, he would shut me down. As if I had no right to the truth about anything. He did it calmly, emotion-less. If it made him uncomfortable, well it just wasn't going to be spoken of. Conversation over.

I started journaling to prove to myself that what I thought was reality, was in fact reality. And it was. I'm not stupid after all! He saw that I was journaling and I think was threatened by it, that I was writing down the lies. I now have a book of lies. I go back to it now and then to refuel myself when my energies are running low. I'm finding out that going through a divorce is so exhausting! I'm longing for the day when I don't need to go back to that book. I hope you have that same kind of day soon.

Your "compulsion" as you stated is your way of validating what you believe to be true. It's the "proof in the pudding" so to speak. Remember the old clisque "a picture is worth a thousand words". This is the same concept. If you see it with your own eyes, this makes it genuine, factual and solidifies your thoughts and perceptions. I totally understand why you feel this way.

Those of us who have been mind f*kd or have allowed ourselves to not rely on our own smarts but others now doubt frequently what we know to be true. Its all.most like we need to make sure that after the fact what we thought was going on or what was said is really what was going on so we seek hard evidence to validate our own thoughts. Maybe has time goes on we feel more confident as we continue to get hard proof. But it will take you checking and rechecking your facts to get to that point.

For a better understanding of infedelity, I reccomend the infedelity group.

I agree - he has you in a mindfuck and you are doubting yourself constantly.
The cure for this is to get him out of your life...
I am so sorry that he hurt you. You will recover !

Do not talk to him or Look for him.
He is in your head and much more
You need him out.

A Good friend of mine advised, you
Think you need to know but you dont
And it will only hurt you when you find
Out anything. She was so right, her ex
Was an abuser and a dry A. Its like its
our inner sickness playing Out.

Detaching and no contact are Essential
to break the bond/hold he has over you.
Its hard but much easier With no contact.
Its a slow release of entanglement. Its still
Rough i tossed and turned for six months
Detaching.


Hugs

I've been there. It's a sick validation of your gut instinct. It can be a relief to know you weren't over thinking things, or being ridiculous. Be careful digging for that validation though. Sometimes it's worse than you thought it was. Just trust your gut, and move forward. Confronting them with your knowledge of their behavior doesn't affect them. It doesn't make them feel guilt or embarrassment.

There was a few times I wanted to post information to my ex's Facebook wall. Let everyone know she was a cheating slut, who would rather be off on romantic getaways with a married man for weeks, Instead of being a mom. What good would it do though, she would just deny it, and her friends will believe her side. Eventually they'll find out who she really is. Don't waste your energy on things you have no control over.

I am there with you and understand your feelings. Even today during the divorce process I feel the need to validate my suspicions. Haha. I know that he is seeing a few other people right now. The biggest difference is i'm not paying for their dinners now. I'm not paying for their concerts. I'm not paying for hotel rooms and gas for getaway trips. So in my opinion it is a SCORE for me!!!

Still, like you, i wish people knew my side of the story. I wish instead of hearing about how i am treating him i can show them the hotel receipts, call longs, and my conversations with the other women (more than just one). I want them to know i was right and he was a cheating bastard.

Instead I am here, sharing my stories and reading everyone else's. Not quite the same but it is a relief to not be alone.