True.... to a point. I think the difference is, not so much getting to know someone, but getting to feel safe with someone, which, in the normal case, takes time. The longer you know someone, the better you know someone, and you have a better chance at making an educated decision.

I know, I will absolutely be damn sure I know all the little personality quirks of someone, their blood type, dna composure, family tree, run a thorough background check on them and ALL their friends, hook em up to a polygraph, and drop them in the middle of a forest with only a knife and a match, and give them 3 days to trek 200 miles to me before I deem them worthy of my heart. =)

I think in a way you are right. My BF successfully hid his drug and alcohol addiction from me for two years. I only came to realize he had substance abuse problems after I moved in with him. Right now I am looking to move out and move on.

I was with my STBX for five years before we married, living together for four of that, and we knew each other and were good friends for three years before we dated. Now we're getting a divorce after knowing each other 20 years, dating 17 years, married 12 years. Knowing a person well is no guarantee that things will work out, it won't stop a person from changing over time and it won't stop you from being selectively blind to the problems you should've seen coming all along.

Technically spending some time getting to know a person should help you see their flaws and potential incompatibilities better, but other times you spend that time getting attached to a person and fooling yourself about whether or not the basic incompatibilities you have will be a big deal over time.

I'd say the best advice is no matter what your situation is, go into it with your eyes open to see how things really are, not how you want them to be.

Well the heart wants what the heart wants and there isnt a damn thing you can do about it. I mean really you can try to denie it, but in the end the doubt will always come back to get you.
My marriage failed misserable !!!!!!!!! I would not have changed the experiance for anything, because I have two WONDERFUL,SMART, and AMAZING boys from it. However I will make damn sure I never date/ marry someone like my Ex!

And divorce can happen even both party love each other, but other factors of life can't support an healthy married life and ends up in divorce. In my case blanded, his mother, his divotion to his mom, his lack of coping skills to daily challanges, didn't let our marriage survive, though we know each other very well.

Does it matter?

to me, what matters is why you have this connection to them. If it is cus of physical looks and attraction, then most likely, you may not know them well enough to say they would be a good mate. When you are first getting to know someone, there is never sure footing, whether it goes good or bad. It is all base don first impressions. No matter who says it isn't, isn't someone who lives in reality. It is when you get to know someone, and enjoy many things/facets of them or their life that you really get to know what it is, that they have, that you really want. most times, the physcial attraction or first impression is not even a thought anymore, nor will it matter.

You can only see someone through their eyes, not yours.

I wish I would have waited. I would never have married him, knowing what I should have known since the beginning (red flags). My brother has waited over 5 years, just to be sure they will make it. I now think that was a very smart move. Getting to really know someone takes a long time. With my current stbx, I thought our love alone would get us through, and it didnt.

"The out come of either scenario is so painful."

Yes, we're on a breakup forum so it is painful. We could visit some "Successful Marriage" forum somewhere and hear a different sentiment though.

My insides are often saying "this love stuff is too painful, let's just go it alone from now on". I try to tell myself tho, that this one really bad outcome, is not a universal experience...it isn't even MY universal experience. I had a really nice marriage before this last relationship.

But holy crap! This last one was agony. So what now?

I love myself enough that I REALLY want to reduce the odds of being in agony again, as MUCH as I possibly can.

There are no guarantees, BUT there are a number of ways to increase the odds of success, waiting is one of them.

True enough. There are no guarantees. Long time. Short time. Both can end in disaster. But it seems rather obvious to me that the more time you take to get to know someone, the more likely you are to discover things about them and get to know them well.

If someone's going to try to "put on a good show" or to hide stuff, the more time passes, the greater the odds that they're going to be unable to keep up an "act" if they're not genuine or that they'll slip up and reveal something they're hiding. And if they turn out to be just genuinely good people who are really truly intersted in you and compatible with you, then that should be consistently evident over time.

I know for me, there were lots of "warning signs" along the way that I did not pick up on or I ignored or allowed myself to be talked out of or convinced they were "in my head" or even "my fault" or whatever. I won't be so foolish this time around (at least I sure hope not!) And I am trying to take my time before I make any big commitments.

I dont think there is any magic amount of time. Sometimes the problem is that people do change and sometimes the problem is that they wont. I think the important thing is that you are true to yourself and you do not ignore the "red flags" or the have the thought "things will get better if".

I remember many years ago talking at a bus stop with a man who was smoking who said:

"it doesn't matter, I'm going to die some day anyway"

and my response was:

"it's not that you'll die, it's HOW you'll die." and then I went into some details that made him pale.

BUT, I get where you are coming from, and sometimes it looks pretty hopeless for me too. So I guess I'm reminding myself and trying to give you good advice at the same time.

It's not about whether or not it will turn out, because there are so many things beyond our control... but rather it's about everything we DO have control over, and eliminating the chance of a bad person or a failure with what WE CAN DO.

because... it's all we can do. Best of luck to you.
And me.

Nothing lasts forever.