Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members

100,360 Posts

0 Online

ll47ll 04/27/2009

I look back at my divorce and ask myself if I could have done something different or better, what would it have been? My mom says I should have forgiven my X. It was so hard, but I finally did, and before he decided to leave. It was so hard bc he asked me for forgiveness, but kept on lying and cheating and doing all the same hurtful things online. Some people tell me it's not the same as reality cheating, but to me, it was an addiction, like alcohol or drug abuse. And he chose it over our marriage. He used our separation as his chance to take it to the reality level. All the while told me we would work on our marriage.

Being strong-willed and level headed, I used my head to decide what to do. It told me to get a divorce no matter how much it broke my heart, I knew he wasn't going to change. Please tell me what I could have done better or differently. (or if I did the right thing) I am seeing someone who thinks I wasn't very forgiving.

Lately I have been in much need of hugs. Dating sux.

Lee

FrankTheGreat 04/27/2009

Ummm, why do you continue to see this guy?

deleted_user 04/27/2009

47,
I had to let go of trying to figure it out... and embrace what I knew I deserve, what my kids deserve.

At some point, you realize that you can only learn from so much of what has happened and move on. You will never see it as black and white.

Hugs 47.

What is dating?

ll47ll 04/27/2009

idk... sweet cute smart---hard to find just these basic qualities in one man in these parts. Even if he is not the one for me, I would rather spend my time with him than with some of the other guys I have met around here.

deleted_user 04/27/2009

I just think it is sad that he is making a judgment call on your choices.

FrankTheGreat 04/27/2009

Lee, I only ask because it just doesn't sound like he's that kind to you.

He doesn't contact you as frequently as you'd like, which admittedly, I've chalked up to more of a "you issue" than a "him issue," but now I'm beginning to wonder.

There was something else about him that just left me wondering why you would continue to date a guy that doesn't make you feel good about yourself.

And now this? I don't know if I would ever say such a thing to a woman I was dating (and you're not yet in a committed relationship, right?). Beyond that, I don't know how he can reach that conclusion from the facts as you've described them.

It just seems like whenever you talk about this guy, there's another thing he's done that makes you feel crappy about yourself.

ll47ll 04/27/2009

Frank,
u always hit the nail on the head... he tells me the reason why he and his X divorced was bc "we drifted apart." That is how my X describes us. Should I be more concerned that this guy is guilty of the same thing? If so, I want to believe that people can change for the better, this guy and even my X.

Lee

FrankTheGreat 04/27/2009

Personally, I think saying "we drifted apart" as a reason for divorce is a lot like saying "I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her." It's a cop out of an answer and it indicates to me that this person either doesn't know what was really at the core of his marital problems or he doesn't want you to know what was at the core of his marital problems.

deleted_user 04/27/2009

Why is it that you both are focusing (maybe not but...) on why your prwvoius marriages failed? Is it in order to ascertain where you both are at in your relationship, and where it will end up?

Marriages are a blend of two individuals, as are their failures. Are you both using your divorces to forecast your relationship?

I am just asking... not implying....

ll47ll 04/27/2009

Probably so. But as Frank said, I think he knows what is at the core of his divorce. And if he was the main contributor, I wanted to make it clear to him that I won't judge him for his past. I want to feel secure that he has the same values NOW that I do.

FrankTheGreat 04/27/2009

I don't think you can judge someone's values based on things they say. I would have to see actions consistent with stated beliefs before I would give any credence to someone's stated values.

Join the Conversation