I found help In alanon/CODA meetings, They
deal with a lot of the old inner stuff. It takes awhile,
therapy gets in there quicker I did both of them.

Many Believe a strong belief in God and getting
involved In the church helps with your healing.

There are womens aid/shelters available for support
And there is one on one support and group support.
And They have Resources and help available. HUGS

I've been where you are, and it wasn't too long ago. When you say "I'm ready to walk away and ruin everything in my life just to get the hell away from him. He's killing my soul and I'm letting him!" - don't view leaving as ruining your life, it's more like saving your life. I felt the same exact way, that my soul was dying and I was watching it happen. Survival instinct FINALLY kicked in and I started the divorce process. What may be ruined are friendships and relationships with people you have in common, finances, a lifestyle, stuff like that that in the long run don't measure up to emotional stability and peace. I didn't go to therapy, I tried a couple times to find someone local and failed. We did some marriage counseling sessions which I used not to save my marriage, but to understand it. You say "I have no one to blame but myself right?" I would say right, just on the count of you staying in a destructive relationship. When you know that it's no good, and you stay anyway with no real plan to leave, you are then essentially saying it's really OK, or good enough to live this way. This I learned from my lawyer. I could kick myself for not realizing it sooner. Your words say it's not good enough to stay, so now you have to put together a plan to end your marriage, IMO.

I think having grow up in an abusive home has taught you that it's ok to be abused, that this is somewhat acceptable treatment of you. I grew up not physically or verbally abused, but more like ignored, and let to fend for myself. That's what I knew as a kid, and guess what? I married a man who pretty much was emotionally unavailable and ignored me, letting me fend for myself. They say we repeat the pattern we learned in childhood, I believe that wholeheartedly. We must break those patterns and thoughts and treat ourselves as worthy of so much more. Hope this helps, I feel so bad for you. Being "stuck" sucks, but I believe you have what it takes to get "unstuck"!

There is a better life out there for us and our children! There is no other way then leaving! Your boys will be forever great fun if you do so! They seen enough, they don't know how to help the situation they are suffering and they deserve peace and love in their lifes and only you can make that happen!
I stayed for 32 years, left 2 months ago, it's difficult at times, but at least I have peace in my life.
I wish you all the strength to leave, your boys will be forever great full if you do!
Make a plan, set a date, pack your stuff and run with your boys as fast as you can!

Reach out to loving support somewhere to
Help you Get you the courage you need.

Shelters Help with exit plans and offer other
Types of services for support.

If you are losing weight like that you are in
Crisis. Do whats best for you and your
Children sake.

There is a great physical and emotional abuse
Forum on here to. Many on there have been in
your shoes. HUGS

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse

thank you for not letting me feel alone! As if this isn't pathetic enough. Im all alone and have no one to talk to and this is so much that it actually made me want to give up the other day. That in itself created such a guilt after all I have two boys I can't be so selfish so I have to get it together. I feel like crap, I look like crap. I've never seen dark circles under my eyes like this.

Can you get into therapy? Go to your doctor?
What are your options? Is he a drunk or Abuser?
You need help to build yourself up to get out.
I go to alanon and what you are talking about is
Nothing uncommon in the world of alcoholism
Or addictions. HUGS

No substance abuse, knowledge of his father and a lot of reading I'm starting to think narcissism. I've been working on a plan for months to exit just don't have the resources or the self esteem to do it. my boys no longer beg me to stay I know I'll find my way I'm just scared and a lone. I have no family I'm trying to find counseling just thought I could reach out here for some extra support to help save myself a little while I keep working on saving to get out.

I have been in the same place as yours. I have been brutally beaten up and kicked up on my face and body five years ago. I was quite low on self esteem. He won't let me work too. He was quite possessive and won't let me talk to anyone. I had an 8 month old baby and I was so helpless to see him confused whether to laugh or cry when his mom is getting beaten up. But I had the guts to give him only 3 chances. The third time I did that I walked away. It does hurt and it does pain a lot. I was totally lost but I was too driven to lose hope. Now, after five years I have a great career , have travelled all over the world's, have a cheerful kid and great confidence to be a certified coach to help people like you who have been in my place. So don't be afraid. Do what you think is the best for you. God is there to support you.

Do what you can safely, many go to the shelter/women's
Aid to help work Up a plan to leave. They offer one on one
help besides group discussions. Plenty of other resources
Available there also. Thats what they excel at helping people
Get out of abuse and transition into a healthier enviroment.

I never confided in anyone when I was struggling with the emotional abuse, once I decided that what he was doing actually was emotionally abusive. It was the saddest and lonleliest time in my life. I don't know how I plugged on, day after day. My mind was in a daze, I couldn't even enjoy listening to the radio when I drove to work or on errands. I stopped reading, which I used to enjoy. I let so many things at home slip, the house was cluttered. I was there for my boys, I worked part time, I smiled at people, but that was it. The rest was autopilot. More than once I did imagine how easy it would be to veer off the road, down that hill into the river. I'm sure that was depression. I wish I had found this site back then, maybe it would have propelled me to move forward sooner. Maybe there are people you can let in to your life, people you could trust. I have two great friends who I let slip away, I finally reconnected with them once I decided to get out and they have been level headed and supportive. They never told me what to do, they just told me to do what was best for me. They liked stbx, everyone does. They listened, they understood eventually, then became champions for me to fight the good fight. I'm not in a super great place just yet, but far far better off because I have taken action.

Do you boys want to leave with you, or do they want to stay with their dad? Will he fight you for them?

Jojored, Your comments made me cry because it's where I'm at at the moment. My house is a disaster everything is a disaster. I'm trying to keep it all together and if I admitted to some things I've imagined I'd fear being baker acted out of spite. I reached out hearbecause unfortunately I don't have anyone.

JOjored I try to stay as calm as possible around my boys but no longer act like nothing is going on I just haven't talked about what I'm doing because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if he will fight me or not he won't really answer me on anything. We literally do not speak
, touch or even look at each other unless we're fighting, this will go on for days sometimes weeks depending on how long I can last or until I go to him and apologize. I work a laborer job very part time for very little money which isn't enough to support my self. My husband and I had our first civil conversation last night until it broke into another argument. I need some therapy to make sense of everything he's telling me Im just so tired and so low I needed to reach out for some strength to get through another day. This sight and the comments and care here has helped I thank all of you so much! I'm so broken and embarrassed that I'm in this place. I need a break, a breath ya know what I mean?