Aww, I'm sorry to hear this. You sound weighed down and burdened. You have my support. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Thanks, I appreciate it. It's probably for the best. I don't expect to have a perfect wife/relationship, but I know I deserve to be in one with someone who is willing to try. Obviously it is not her.

Midlife crisis, kids being old enough they don't need her as much... I don't know exactly. Whatever it is she is not the same person she was a year or so ago. Certainly not who I was dreadfully trying to hold onto.

I wish i knew where the auto pilot button was cause I would push it to too. You are in the right the place to get support here. ((((((((life is grand )))))))

I'm sorry my friend. One year after the fact I still feel what you're going through. Wish I could make it better for all of us. (((HUG)))

Thanks.

I'm trying to convince myself that the relief of finally knowing where I stand will make my life easier... even though I may just be realizing that I'm standing in a pile of sh!t without my boots...lol

As tough as I want to be, I can't help but break down every so often. Just hurts.

I hear ya. It sure does. Make sure to go easy on yourself. Get rest. This is so stressful.

Yes communication is so needed... If she cann't with you, mostly likely she has a problem and it will carry on with her until she learns how to talk... By no means is the grass always greener. Did she cheat on you? Is that why she thinks the grass is greener? Just wondering. Cheaters are sometimes in a fog!!!

That part is tough for me to talk about, but yes she did.

I know I should feel relieved to be rid of her. I just don't for whatever reason. I built my whole image of my life around being with her... I just need to re-frame that image so I can more accurately see who for who she turned into, and then also so I can see my life without her in it.

Sorry to hear, my friend. I know what it's like to have somebody tell you their heart just isn't in it anymore, as much as yours might be.

There isn't much I can say that will alleviate any of the pain, but I can certainly relate to what you're going through. I'm very sorry.

Thanks bud.

I will get there. Just upset my boat so to speak. She was not perfect, but I truly enjoyed her company and just had it in my head that I had the world by the tail. Get the kids raised, get the house paid for, travel the world with someone I really liked being with.

I'll still do all that, it's just the parts about mutual grandkids and the holidays that will be slightly more complicated.

I don't know if this is available in your area or not but my husband and I haven't communicated properly or much at all in years..this caused many many problems. However, though I am not very religious at all we decided to go to a Retrouvaille weekend this past weekend and now have the follow up meetings to go to. When we went we did not know what to expect...we both have attorneys and were SURE divorce was our only solution. After going we both are so glad we went...we have hope now where there was none before. Most importantly they taught us how to communicate our "feelings" through exercises etc. I am sure this is not for everyone and its too early to say how this will all end up..but we have children and have decided we are going to try and work on our marriage which is the total opposite of where we were. It certainly can't hurt..that was where we saw it before we went because we had already started down the path to divorce. Good luck and you might look into it, just google Retrouvaille.

Unfortunately when another person does not want to work on the relationship there is nothing we can do. You can only try to work on yourself and letting go.

If you are having problems with communication and are still cohabitating, then do your best to keep communication to a minimum to cover what needs to be covered regarding the house, and kids. It may seem like you've given up, but the decreased communication will help eliminate a lot of fighting and help the household be more serene.

If you are still hoping to work on your marriage, select one phrase and use it like a broken record. "When you're ready to talk about the marriage, I'm here for you." Say it, and be done with it. It will remind her that you are willing to talk but don't allow yourself to get pulled into an argument regarding NOT talking about the relationship. Just remind her that you are available and interested in discussing it.

It's been my experience that when every discussion leads to a heated exchange, it's time to bring in a third party. A therapist will help negotiate and interpret arguments/discussions so that they are not as hostile.

If you keep asking yourself "why", you'll never find peace. Those type of questions rarely lead to answers that we want to hear.

There isn't a "Retrouvaille" real close, but I may mention it to her. I'm not sure how open she will be to it, more or less has said that any mention of working things out is something she doesn't want to hear anymore. If her mood changes, i will bring it up.

ThenAgain, I will keep your suggestions in mind too. As I mentioned above, I have to tread pretty lightly when it comes to bringing up "working on us."

Honestly, that's one thing that's wearing on me... have to always be the one to extend the olive branch, being ever so careful on the words I choose and etc, all the while trying to keep it clear that I'm doing it out of kindness and love instead of weakness and fear...maintain some level of self respect you know.

I let her know my honest thoughts about wanting it to work and etc, brought up the progress we'd made and that I saw positive things in the future for us if she wanted to be there. Reiterated my life goals and explained she could come along and even modify the goals a little here and there. I think it all fell of deaf ears.

What really puzzles me is that last week she acted very positive about us, the week before, not so much, prior week, positive...just this repetitive on off cycle for quite some time. I brought this up last night, she acknowledged it and didn't dispute it at all. I asked if what had happened before was obviously possible, what really sold her that this time that she wouldn't shortly lean back towards loving me? She wasn't sure, but knew it wasn't going to happen. I went ahead and point at the last six months as being a low in our 12 years, and that if effort was made, it could be no different than one of the bad weeks she came out of.

It was left by her that it just wasn't going to happen. There's probably more to it that she just won't talk about openly that makes it tough for me to understand what is really going on in her mind. I dunno, I guess I feel like I've said all I can really say to her, ball is in her court and I don't have high expectations at the moment.

If this photo in your Avi is you, it tells me that both of you got married at a very young age and your children are "almost" independent. I say almost because parents are always needed for support, love and praise.

Being that the case, your wife could be very well going through the midlife crisis, experiencing what she might not have when she was single, and something in her is terribly not completed. I am sorry she had an affair and her lack of consistency in working things out with you is showing clearly that she is not sure what she wants either.

By being one week willing to work on your relationship, then not, then on again, she is telling you that she has not yet made a solid decision. A long term relationship to end is painful and not always an absolute split.

Have you considered the fact that if you stop mentioning that you want to work on things that she might be the one to address the issue and try the reconciliation? It is reverse phsychology, we know, but at times it works. We humans miss the constant search and this is when "no contact" approach works. Just an idea...

I'm 41, she's 34... my oldest by my first marriage is 16, our other two are 12 and 13. All boys.

So, they're not really independent, but they can cook and take care of their immediate needs and such. Don't need mom or dad for much of anything other than love, guidance, and etc.

As far as the reverse trick... It's being tried by default... just because I don't know what more to say to her or how to say it. She knows I love her and have not given up. I also told her that if it wasn't going to be, that I would be fine and go find the life I want with someone else. Let her know I found it irritating to have to tear up a family to do so when I was fine with working through the issues with her, and keeping our family together.