Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Someone asked me recently, "marriage is not for the weary, any advice?"
This is what I wrote:
Ha! I'm hardly one to give marriage advice, but I'll tell you what I know...
Communication sounds cliche, but it really is important. You have to know what each other is feeling, be comfortable enough to express and listen correctly. If you're confused or don't understand what he's saying, ask him to clarify. Tell him what you think you heard him say so there's no confusion. Miscommunication is the cause of the worst problems, but is so easy to avoid, if you know how. It's a pain in the ass and a lot of work to communicate correctly, but it's essential! Nobody I've heard of can read minds yet.
Resentments are the marriage killer. Resentments can contaminate your perspective so badly you'll swear he's a completely different person when he's not. If you keep harboring resentments, don't fight them, but realize them for what they are and realize there's other problems lurking.
The other marriage killer is lack of trust. If trust isn't there, you're doomed. It's a hard thing earned after it's been lost, but everyone deserves a chance.
Honesty is essential. Sometimes the truth does hurt, but being lied to hurts more. Be respectful with your honesty, you don't have to be brutal. Being honest not only with your spouse but with yourself is key. And respect his honesty. Don't get overly defensive if he's trying to tell you something you may not want to hear. Find out what he's trying to say, and then worry about HOW he said it later.
Don't be afraid to get help. Counseling. Read books. Ask friends. Come here!! And respect other perspectives, but make your own choices. Take the good and ignore the rest. But listen with an open mind. And be humble! If you make a mistake, own up to it. You're human. It's okay to make mistakes.
MOST IMPORTANT: You cannot love someone else, nor BE loved by someone else, if you don't love yourself first. Know yourself. Respect yourself. Be a the best person you can be, and do it for yourself, no one else. Everything else will fall into place.
NEXT IMPORTANT: No one else is responsible for your happiness. Only you are. This one is hard to swallow sometimes, but it's true. You can't be dependant on others for your happiness. It just doesn't work.
Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Know what is acceptable, and what is not for both of you. Know them and respect them. Don't be afraid to (respectfully!) call him out if he steps on your toes, it may be the only way he'll know.
You can't fix other people. You can't expect other people to fix you. Know your boundaries, and know your limits. This goes back to respecting and loving yourself. It's nice to have someone to support you through a crisis or issue, and vice versa. But don't blame them, or yourself, when one or the other doesn't meet expectations, or fails.
There are normal stages of love in a marriage. Being "in love" is a stage, and it WILL fade. It should fade.. it's purely chemical. It's proven. The love that comes after that is a choice. I know it's not romantic, but it's the truth. People often get scared by this. But it's a deeper and more bonding love. It has to be nurtured and cared for, and it's WORK. It should be hard, anything worth having should be earned. And true love is worth everything.
And don't forget acceptance. Within your boundaries, expect that you are two different people. Different opinions and different lives. Encourage that. Work to find compromise. Love him for his differences, not in spite of them. I know that's hard sometimes, but not only can you not make someone change, you shouldn't want to make someone change. We're all human and we all have our issues. You do. I do. (I got a whole lot lol). If you want to be accepted for yours, accept his. You don't have to like that he snores, or he can't cook, but realize that's part of who he is, and love him for who he is. If either of you "need" to change something, do it for yourselves. (Not to say that doing something nice for your spouse that you normally wouldn't do isn't nice ;)
I'm not Dr. Phil but I've learned a thing or three. ;)
Given that all of us here now have all the answers (ha!), I bet we could write a best selling marriage advice book..
Care to add/edit?
This is what I wrote:
Ha! I'm hardly one to give marriage advice, but I'll tell you what I know...
Communication sounds cliche, but it really is important. You have to know what each other is feeling, be comfortable enough to express and listen correctly. If you're confused or don't understand what he's saying, ask him to clarify. Tell him what you think you heard him say so there's no confusion. Miscommunication is the cause of the worst problems, but is so easy to avoid, if you know how. It's a pain in the ass and a lot of work to communicate correctly, but it's essential! Nobody I've heard of can read minds yet.
Resentments are the marriage killer. Resentments can contaminate your perspective so badly you'll swear he's a completely different person when he's not. If you keep harboring resentments, don't fight them, but realize them for what they are and realize there's other problems lurking.
The other marriage killer is lack of trust. If trust isn't there, you're doomed. It's a hard thing earned after it's been lost, but everyone deserves a chance.
Honesty is essential. Sometimes the truth does hurt, but being lied to hurts more. Be respectful with your honesty, you don't have to be brutal. Being honest not only with your spouse but with yourself is key. And respect his honesty. Don't get overly defensive if he's trying to tell you something you may not want to hear. Find out what he's trying to say, and then worry about HOW he said it later.
Don't be afraid to get help. Counseling. Read books. Ask friends. Come here!! And respect other perspectives, but make your own choices. Take the good and ignore the rest. But listen with an open mind. And be humble! If you make a mistake, own up to it. You're human. It's okay to make mistakes.
MOST IMPORTANT: You cannot love someone else, nor BE loved by someone else, if you don't love yourself first. Know yourself. Respect yourself. Be a the best person you can be, and do it for yourself, no one else. Everything else will fall into place.
NEXT IMPORTANT: No one else is responsible for your happiness. Only you are. This one is hard to swallow sometimes, but it's true. You can't be dependant on others for your happiness. It just doesn't work.
Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Know what is acceptable, and what is not for both of you. Know them and respect them. Don't be afraid to (respectfully!) call him out if he steps on your toes, it may be the only way he'll know.
You can't fix other people. You can't expect other people to fix you. Know your boundaries, and know your limits. This goes back to respecting and loving yourself. It's nice to have someone to support you through a crisis or issue, and vice versa. But don't blame them, or yourself, when one or the other doesn't meet expectations, or fails.
There are normal stages of love in a marriage. Being "in love" is a stage, and it WILL fade. It should fade.. it's purely chemical. It's proven. The love that comes after that is a choice. I know it's not romantic, but it's the truth. People often get scared by this. But it's a deeper and more bonding love. It has to be nurtured and cared for, and it's WORK. It should be hard, anything worth having should be earned. And true love is worth everything.
And don't forget acceptance. Within your boundaries, expect that you are two different people. Different opinions and different lives. Encourage that. Work to find compromise. Love him for his differences, not in spite of them. I know that's hard sometimes, but not only can you not make someone change, you shouldn't want to make someone change. We're all human and we all have our issues. You do. I do. (I got a whole lot lol). If you want to be accepted for yours, accept his. You don't have to like that he snores, or he can't cook, but realize that's part of who he is, and love him for who he is. If either of you "need" to change something, do it for yourselves. (Not to say that doing something nice for your spouse that you normally wouldn't do isn't nice ;)
I'm not Dr. Phil but I've learned a thing or three. ;)
Given that all of us here now have all the answers (ha!), I bet we could write a best selling marriage advice book..
Care to add/edit?
slouisesj
i think it is healthy to air your differences (in a non-hostile way) , resolve them, and move on. i'm having a hard time wording this, but i thought i had a decent marriage a yr ago.. we had our share of arguements, but after forgiveness, we moved on. evidently, i was alone in this thought - my H took ea incident as "disrespect" and harboured resentment throughout our marriage evidently. this came out when i found out about the 1st OW, that supposedly i was to be blamed for.. My thought is this: he always thinks his parents have the perfect marriage, because they never argued in front of him. I say this is baloney - all marriages will have dissention - and it is better to have it out in the open, resolve it or at least come to some sort of compromise, and move on. Anyone else know what i am trying to say?
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