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My stbx has continually accused me of trying to control her, but it always seems skewed when she explain why she feels that way.
For instance, I always asked her to call me if she was going to be abnormaly late from work (eg. more than half an hour or an hour) or if she wasn't coming straight home so I didn't worry or sit around getting anxious waiting for her to come home. Likewise, I asked her to keep me in the loop when she made larger purchases so I didn't plan on money being there that wasn't. When she would go out with friends, I would ask her what she was planning on doing and when she would plan on coming home. I didn't want her to ask permission. I just figured it was common courtesy not to leave your life partner sitting around waiting in the dark. There were certain things that did bother me, and I let her know that (eg. club hopping downtown in a high-crime area until 3am and such).
She always turned this around into me "not letting her do anything" or "acting like her father". I can't ever remember a time when I told her "No" except when she wanted to leave town to visit a male friend graduating from boot camp (and she went anyways).
Please, from a woman's perspective, is it wrong to ask your spouse to just let you know what plans are so you don't worry? I loved my wife very much and I used to worry about something bad happening (like when she worked second shift and used to have to take deposits to the bank). I didn't want to tell her what to do... I just wanted to know she was safe.
I always returned the same courtesy I asked for (and didn't get). Eg. If I would go out to watch the basketball game with a buddy, I would say "Hey, I am going up to the sports bar to watch the basketball game with George. I'll be home right after the game. If we decide to do something else I will call you." It never bothered me. I just looked at it as being an open and responsible partner. Am I really screwed up here?
For instance, I always asked her to call me if she was going to be abnormaly late from work (eg. more than half an hour or an hour) or if she wasn't coming straight home so I didn't worry or sit around getting anxious waiting for her to come home. Likewise, I asked her to keep me in the loop when she made larger purchases so I didn't plan on money being there that wasn't. When she would go out with friends, I would ask her what she was planning on doing and when she would plan on coming home. I didn't want her to ask permission. I just figured it was common courtesy not to leave your life partner sitting around waiting in the dark. There were certain things that did bother me, and I let her know that (eg. club hopping downtown in a high-crime area until 3am and such).
She always turned this around into me "not letting her do anything" or "acting like her father". I can't ever remember a time when I told her "No" except when she wanted to leave town to visit a male friend graduating from boot camp (and she went anyways).
Please, from a woman's perspective, is it wrong to ask your spouse to just let you know what plans are so you don't worry? I loved my wife very much and I used to worry about something bad happening (like when she worked second shift and used to have to take deposits to the bank). I didn't want to tell her what to do... I just wanted to know she was safe.
I always returned the same courtesy I asked for (and didn't get). Eg. If I would go out to watch the basketball game with a buddy, I would say "Hey, I am going up to the sports bar to watch the basketball game with George. I'll be home right after the game. If we decide to do something else I will call you." It never bothered me. I just looked at it as being an open and responsible partner. Am I really screwed up here?
or is she saying she felt controlled?
those are 2 different things
I have a wee wee.
But I did feel strongly enough about it post something anyway.
IMHO, those are all reasonable things and part of common courtesy. I realize opinions differ, but it sounds like she was trying to remove your ability to question or keep tract of her (and I see these as perfectly reasonable requests, btw, in a marriage both of you should have a general idea what is going on with each other, your supposed to share a life and all)
I would really wonder why she would want these basic things removed? What was she up to? What didn't she want you to know?
I'm also struggling with these types of things. I allowed my STBX to suppress many of my critical thinking skills, and as a result, I was unable to see or think through many red flags.
I will never let that happen again, and you shouldn't either.. IMHO.
as far as purchases go, we had a hundred dollar rule. If it wasn't groceries, trips to Target, clothes/shoes, and it was over a hundred dollars we checked with each other first. I think I was the only one following that rule, though. Lol.
I can't ever remember a time when I told her "No"
You CAN'T say no, just as she couldn't say NO to you. You can certainly provide your opinion on something as to why you disagree with a choice that is being made, but as to saying NO....shouldn't happen.
As far as the controlling question... no, it is rude and inconsiderate of a partner/spouse to not let you know where they are, who they are with and when they will be home...
As far as spending goes.. I think in a healthy marriage that there should be a discussion about where the money is going... if she is spending from the household account, then yes, you do have a right to know where it is going...
she doesn't sound very compatible with you.
I often felt like a rebellious teenager with him just because I felt like I couldn't make my own decisions. I don't think you have to say no to be controlling. I never was allowed to have plans change.
It came down to the fact that he had insecurities about our relationship and didn't trust me (though I never ever did anything to make him not trust me). It was his problem...not mine. And after so long of putting up with it, I started not to care what he wanted.
I know this is not the right way to approach it, but I was sick of felling controlled in a subtle, manipulative kind of way.
OSoLucky, I appreciate your perspective. It is similar to the situation we were in... She would say she was going out and would be home at 7:00 (arbitrary time for illustration). Then 7:30 or 8:00 would roll around and I still wouldn't hear anything and she wouldn't be home, and I would try to call her and half the time not get an answer, and so when she finally rolled in, yes, I was upset. I didn't want to control her. I just wanted her to be courteous to give me a call and say "Hey, I am having a good time so I'm going to stay out a while longer."
To everyone, we actually didn't spend much time going out with friends. We spent a great deal of time together, doing things together, etc. until I ended up in a crazy job that forced me to work 100 hours a week. Then life turned to crap. I married someone to give them my 100%, and she was both my wife and my best friend.
The type of behavior (never being accountable) DID lead me to be suspicious. When someone starts having meetings EVERY DAY right at 5:00 so they are constantly late, or going out with friends, being late, and not answering calls, or saying they are running out to the store and being gone 7 hours because they decided to stop at their parents and didn't bother to say anything can drive a person nuts. I too got to the point where I just couldn't care anymore or it was going to cause a divorce, and then she said one of the reasons she had an emotional affair is because she felt I didn't love her anymore. Honestly, I was just tired of fighting over the same stupid things.