Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Im thinking a lot to day about the differences between these two today.
Past:
I wanted my ex husband to be a husband to me.
I needed him to be a husband to me.
Present:
And now, I dont want or need him.
I want my bf to come home for leave,
But I dont need him to.
I want him to do what he needs to do for himself, which is rest.
I need to continue to professional work.
I want AND need to work in a new space.
Im finding the differences.....has anyone else noticed this? I can only speak for myself, but Im finding that i want, more than I need and this point in time. Im wondering if this is healthy. Im wondering if this is how its supposed to be, and even so, Im feeling grateful today, even though I cried my eyes out earlier this afternoon and felt like my world was caving in.
Past:
I wanted my ex husband to be a husband to me.
I needed him to be a husband to me.
Present:
And now, I dont want or need him.
I want my bf to come home for leave,
But I dont need him to.
I want him to do what he needs to do for himself, which is rest.
I need to continue to professional work.
I want AND need to work in a new space.
Im finding the differences.....has anyone else noticed this? I can only speak for myself, but Im finding that i want, more than I need and this point in time. Im wondering if this is healthy. Im wondering if this is how its supposed to be, and even so, Im feeling grateful today, even though I cried my eyes out earlier this afternoon and felt like my world was caving in.
because I was putting SO much energy into trying to get some very small, that my exS refused to give
now, I don't need anything from him, or any man
One of the really big concepts that I learned there was that the word "need" is often misused in subtle and pervasive ways.
If you look at what a real "need" is, it boils down to stuff like food, water, and oxygen. Having a wife who supports and loves me is not a need. Having sex is not a need.
The problem is that people are afraid to "want" things because somehow they think wanting is bad or selfish. If I want "chemistry", I am potentially selfish but if I "need" chemistry then it's all OK because there are no choices when it comes to needs.
A key point of this is that when we move things to the "need" catagory, we are devaluing ourselves. We punt on the things we value in a relationship. This also puts too much power in the hands of someone else. If I "need" my partner to be honest, for example, what happens if they lie to me? Well, replace "to be honest" with "give me oxygen", its real clear that my partner will kill me if they don't do what I need.
Bottom line is to figure out what we want and be able to stand in our authority and realize our wants are OK and thet we deserve to have thos wants provided. If they are not provided, we have a choice to stay or leave but we don't die.
I believe it's okay and healthy to want more than we need. It probably crosses over the line into unhealthy when we start to view wants as needs.
i want her to wear lacy lingerie while moving the couch with me.
ive also posted a thread about feeling a little out of my head as well - being weepy? so i am not sure if what i am doing is healthy or not. maybe with the shifts that i am trying to make into habits im just pushing something within me and its making me sad? dont know. so i cant determine if its healthy or not - i just know that if its doing a little bit of good for me (causing less anxiety) then im going to keep on doing it.
xoxo
I don't need a man in my life because I am always independent.
I do want a man who will love me for who I am.