Hi Debbie
Having been in a very similar situation myself, the chances of him going and getting help are probably next to none and usually what follows is the blame game, where it's all your fault anyway!

You need to look after your own welfare as he obviously has not considered you in the marriage because he has already put you in debt and it's affecting your mental health as you say!

He's a grown man with problems, and if you divorce it will be his problem to sort out not yours!

My ex went back home to his mum!!

Divorce is hard on everyone but you've done the counselling and that has not worked.
He seems to have given up on doing anything to meet you halfway.
He is not telling the doctor the whole story!

I felt trapped but fortunately we sold the house and that was that after 18years!!
Only thing I regret is wasting 18years when it could have ended after 5years when he first showed his true colors...but lesson learned the hard way!!
Take care and Good Luck xoxoxo

You may feel trapped now but things may get worse if you don't take action. He may have charged the $21K on his credit cards but it's still considered marital debt. Who knows how will run up in the future. Also, the longer he's unemployed, the easier it will be for him to seek alimony from you. If you haven't already done so, you should immediately seek legal advice.

I agree w/both of the posters. The ONLY thing you can do now is take care of YOU. As sunshiney said, he's a grown man and they are his problems.

Even if you're not divorced yet, I would consult an attorney to find out what the laws in your state are about marital debt and how to minimize your portion of it. For example, see if you can get your name off of the credit cards and contact the three credit bureaus about making sure he cannot open up any more cards with your name on them. Ask the attorney if s/he can legally draw up a property distribution agreement that specifies that from this date on, you are no longer responsible for your stbx's debts.

Also it would be a good idea to consult with a CPA about your current finances to see what can be done to minimize your part of his debt and how you can best handle your own finances.

If he doesn't make ends meet, that's his problem. Here's a different way to look at this. This is how I looked at leaving the ex when he wouldn't stop drinking and was making dumbass financial decisions.

As long as I stayed, I was enabling him to abuse me financially, mentally, emotionally & sexually. I was also enabling his drinking because he had no reason to change. I don't take any responsibility for his actions or his drinking AND, I had it put in the property settlement that HIS DEBTS had to come out of HIS HALF of the property settlement AND he had to get my name off all his credit cards, loans, etc. It's worth a shot to ask an atty if that's possible in your case, since he did it w/o your knowledge or permission.

~healing hugs~

I agree with the above posters about the legal side of things. Do you have any individual counseling set up for yourself? I think your STBX will throw a lot of guilt your way. I had a few sessions with a therapist which helped a great deal with this. I had to have my ex removed from the home, and he ended up staying with his mother for a few months until the attorneys got some of the financial things set up. I felt tremendously guilty, but it passed. I was not responsible for his abusive behavior. Now I only regret that I couldn't find the strength to end it sooner.

If you get a divorce and end up paying him alimony for 6 month or a year (which you MAKE contingent on him moving out), it can have the affect of getting him out of the house, and be a bridge to him landing on his feet (or not). In any case, if might help your daughter with the transition. And this backwards money towards your daughter's adjustment might be worth it...

I know what I'm suggesting isn't the most financially "winning" advice. But it could actually be cheaper than paying lawyers to evict him or some other solution.

In any case, you need legal advice.

I wish you the best,
Patti

Hi Debbie! How are things going? Any updates?

I can tell you that I"m familiar with what you're going through. My husband has been suffering with clinically diagnosed depression for 2 years. During this time he had what I would call a "mid-life crisis" about money, which we have plenty of. However, it is his continued obsession over money which drives his depression.

We tried counseling, one on one, etc and he cancels the appointments because doesn't want to pay the co-pay. He won't pay for his medication. Thus, he makes the choice HIMSELF to not recover. The above post from Sunshiney is so very true, my husband is now playing the blame game and it's MY fault he can't recover.

Does this sound like your husband? Or close to it? The reason I ask is that I had to do the most difficult thing in the world - - put myself and my well being first. Gut wrenching. I felt selfish. I was ashamed and humiliated. But I had to realize that my life was basically half over (I'm 45) and did I want to live the rest of my life (assuming I make it another 45) like this?

I left my marriage. His family has taken over trying to care for him now. Many people think I did an awful and selfish thing.

But, it may be the best thing for your husband to lose you. He will HAVE to move forward. He may find out he's stronger than he ever thought.

Unfortunately without admitting him for a help program, he's the only one in charge of him. You can't make him get better. But, you CAN watch over yourself.

With this said, I agree with the other posts here and that legal advice is your next step.

Please update when you can - stay strong! We are thinking of you and hoping for the best!

Thanks everyone for the advice and support. I have made an appointment with an attorney next week. I am hoping that I will have the courage to follow through. it is hard to not let the doubts creep in or even the hope that he might change. I know that he won't and yet it is still hard to end my marriage.