Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I could use some advice from all the women out there. My STBX wife and I have had a major disagreement recently. I'm the kind of person that tries to see both sides of an argument and I'm trying to see hers. I don't want to pollute your responses by telling you my viewpoint too much on this topic. I'd like to tell you the situation and I'd like to get your opinion of what you think if you were in my STBX shoes.
First, I should try to point out that my STBX wife and I are trying to perform an amicable divorce. We have been very friendly to each other as this divorce is processing. She asked me for the divorce. I did not want the divorce. We have three children, age 6, 8 and 10.
I'd been to some counseling to discuss my feelings. My counselor told me I should try to define how I want to reinvent my life after divorce. I gave a lot of thought to how I want to live my life and what things I did in the past that gave me happiness. For many years, I rode a motorcycle and I really enjoyed riding. I sold the motorcycle about 5 years ago as we needed the money and my wife was concerned with my safety.
I recently had dinner with a friend and told her about my counseling sessions and that I was considering getting into riding again. My friend told me that she has a motorcycle that she was going to get rid of and was going to give it to a friend of a friend, but she would prefer that it went to me.
I jumped on the opportunity. After all, this motorcycle is worth about 10K.
I told my STBX wife about this. She thinks motorcycles are very dangerous. She told me she doesn't want me to get one. She pointed out that I have three young children and that I'm being selfish by taking a risk with my life. She made a point that if I should die or get horribly injured that she will have to counsel our children. She is very upset with me that I'm being this selfish to not consider the needs of our children.
So, I'd like some advice from you divorcing women out there. I have thick skin, so give it to me. Am I being an irresponsible father by getting a motorcycle? Am I being selfish?
First, I should try to point out that my STBX wife and I are trying to perform an amicable divorce. We have been very friendly to each other as this divorce is processing. She asked me for the divorce. I did not want the divorce. We have three children, age 6, 8 and 10.
I'd been to some counseling to discuss my feelings. My counselor told me I should try to define how I want to reinvent my life after divorce. I gave a lot of thought to how I want to live my life and what things I did in the past that gave me happiness. For many years, I rode a motorcycle and I really enjoyed riding. I sold the motorcycle about 5 years ago as we needed the money and my wife was concerned with my safety.
I recently had dinner with a friend and told her about my counseling sessions and that I was considering getting into riding again. My friend told me that she has a motorcycle that she was going to get rid of and was going to give it to a friend of a friend, but she would prefer that it went to me.
I jumped on the opportunity. After all, this motorcycle is worth about 10K.
I told my STBX wife about this. She thinks motorcycles are very dangerous. She told me she doesn't want me to get one. She pointed out that I have three young children and that I'm being selfish by taking a risk with my life. She made a point that if I should die or get horribly injured that she will have to counsel our children. She is very upset with me that I'm being this selfish to not consider the needs of our children.
So, I'd like some advice from you divorcing women out there. I have thick skin, so give it to me. Am I being an irresponsible father by getting a motorcycle? Am I being selfish?
But, (yes, there's a but ;-) I have a little different take on this. If I were in her shoes, I might very well have told you that I was worried for your safety because the kids need their dad. Motorcycles are, IMHO, more dangerous than cars because they offer no protection from careless/distracted drivers. None of us wants to think about our mortality, but we just never know.
I know this is after the fact, but do you think your reaction could be more about how she 'hit' you w/her condemnations? Do you think you would have had the same response if she had calmly (w/o getting mad and being accusatory) said to you that she was concerned that you were putting yourself in more danger than usual and if something happened to you, the kids could end up fatherless?
It might help to take a moment to imagine her telling you she was going to take up a dangerous sport. What would your reaction be where the kids are concerned?
My suggestion is if you really want the motorcycle, get it. It sounds like a great opportunity, especially if she's giving it to you. But before you start riding, really think about how you would feel if you were seriously injured and couldn't help or even be w/the kids, or god forbid, you died.
I think it would be different if your kids were older.
Just something to think about...
Take some time and think about it. Meditate on it. You could take the motorcycle and just not ride it for now
I think you are fully within your rights to get, and ride, a motorcycle. I think your responsibility to your kids (and ex) falls along the line of:
- making sure you have sufficient life insurance, and
- having an agreement about whether kids will ride with you.
So what I mean by this is, you should be sure that you are sufficiently insured that if you were to die (and this is the case regardless of the motorcycle thing, and likely covered in the divorce anyway) then your stbx would get enough of a payout to help her get your kids raised acceptably through HS and maybe college.
As far as letting kids ride, yeah, that is a "both parents" decision I think.
But beyond that, you are divorcing. Time to live you life your way. While being responsible for your children. Your ex? Eh, not so much in the picture anymore.
I don't intent to take the children on the motorcycle, it was never part of the plan. The plan was always just for myself. And I have plenty of disability and life insurance. And I've always been a safe driver, never reckless.
I want to get out and enjoy my life. I enjoyed riding for years and now I have an easy opportunity to get back into that. This would have been a no brainer if it wasn't for the issues that my STBX wife is bringing up.
I want to be a responsible father. That's the most important thing in the world to me right now that my marriage is ending.
MyTrueColors, I think you have a good point on how my STBX approached me with her condemnations. Whenever we have had disagreements in the past, she will use emotions, the needs of the children, the needs of the family, selected or modified stories from the past to try to bend me to her viewpoint. It's almost been a form of gaslighting in the past. Instead of just agreeing to disagree on any topic, I will get this full gambit of manipulation. So when the motorcycle topic came up and the discussions of how I was being selfish for putting my needs for personal entertainment before the needs of the family, it put me on the defensive. Although I do understand her safety concerns, I only saw her argument as another way to try to manipulate me to her will.
Daydreamer73, I think you see my perspective. I want to be responsible to my children, but I think I need to have a life too and do things that are enjoyable for myself. But at what point if enjoyment of your life being reckless toward the needs of your children.
Everyone's perspective has been very helpful. I needed an objective opinion, especially as I do not consider my STBX wife's opinion unbiased. As I mentioned in my original post "I jumped on the opportunity". I think I'm going to take a little more time and think on this subject and meditate on the decision.
Thank you all.