The first few months of the year were awful. My partner of 23 years revealed emotional and sometimes sexual affair he'd been having with a long distance friend for the past three years. Better yet, he'd taken me and our daughter to meet her and her husband and kids last summer so they could run a marathon together. And I was super supportive of his right to this "healthy friendship." He's hurt me before with other women and it took a lot for me to trust. 

Well after his reveal, he went down a path of "It really shouldn't matter I because I don't this relationship with you anyway, it's a shell of what it should be, we've got too much baggage, done too much damage to each other, love shouldnt be like that, there's no real trust between us (based on how critical I was early in the relationship) she showed me it could be better and easier, etc." Basically - he didn't want me. Period. I cried for a solid month mourning what I thought I had (a solid marriage that was getting better in the past few years than it had ever been before) and lost. He was on and off very cold during this time and was willing to discuss our issues but would ice me out when I tried to discuss his relationship with her. 

I should also note that he and I both have a problem with alcohol. I got sober three years ago but he did not. So that plays into this as well. 

He drastically reduced contact w this woman that he was talking to every day and told her it was all over he just wanted a casual friendship. He called her to apologize for using her to meet his own needs and told me she felt "awful" for what this has caused between him and I.

He insisted on doing all of this of his own volition. He wasn't about to do anything for me specifically. He says he now talks to her briefly a few times a week when he sends a joke or meme or whatever - very casual and what he said he wanted out of their friendship. 

Somewhere along the line he seems to have decided there's something about us he wants to save. He's said as much and made clear that I've become a much better person through all this. Independent and strong and focused on myself where I was dependent and fearful before. My gains were hard won through a lot of pain. 

We get along great on the surface, have great sex, great sense of humor, etc. He wants the past to be gone and for us to just work off what we have now.  He apologized sincerely and he thinks that should be enough. I should move on. 

But I'm stuck with intrusive thoughts about everything that happened. And im traumatized by two months of him telling me he's not in love with me, doesn't want this marriage....At one point saying he doesn't want anything other than civil interaction for our daughters sake and not speaking to me for days. I don't know what caused his change of heart and I'm afraid if I question it, we'll go right back to him being angry and distant again.

The truth is, I don't know what I want now. He's incredibly controlling and has a very hard time accepting any sort of criticism or taking responsibility for what he does. I don't want to live with fear and uncertainty. Any insight? It's so hard to see clearly when you're in the middle of things.