i'm not sure i understand your thinking regarding change. you seem to want him to change but you don't want to make any changes yourself. but, i guess that is a non-issue at this point.

personally, i would not try to be friends. let him and the kids go on vacation and keep it simple.

Faith - he got involved with OW a little over a year ago, it was an EA - he asked for a divorce twice within the last year and then change his mind back and forth. He said he fell in love with OW but he wanted to stay in the marriage for the kids. I have done everything possible to make this marriage work, I have gave everything to try to rekindle but he is still cold and distant, just a friend that take care of his children. Thanks for your comments :)

Only you can decide what is best for you. If it will hurt too much, send him with the kids for his R & R. A million things can change between now and then...your feelings may change, his feelings may change, leave can get moved, etc. The only day you have to worry about is today...one day at a time.

At least he wants to see his children... my ex came home for his
R & R and didnt even pick up the phone to talk to his son, much less see him at all. Deployment is an emotional time for all involved. I wish you the best in this.

Player, I was married almost as long as you (9 yrs), and my EX also had an EA with a "family friend", who was also married. At any rate, like you, I tried and tried some more...but his job, friends, extracurricular hobbies always came first, as usual. FInally, last August, I had enough and called it quits. We divorced in December, 2010.
Anyway, being friends is confusing and difficult because, really, when it comes down to it, you're probably going to be inclined not to share details with him that you would a regular friend. Going on vacation, I feel, would be confusing and difficult...but also be prepared for how it might hurt, knowing he's on vaca with your kids, and you're not there.
I am far removed enough that when my EX has our son, I don't think anymore about "My family is together without me" but rather, "I know they are having a good time and, well, I'm out having a good time, too."
Typically, because both of our families are in the same part of NY and we are living in NC, we traveled every Xmas. This year, I can tell you, he can either drive my son, or I will fly with my son, but I'm not traveling with him. I don't want to split gas, I don't want to be trapped in the car with him for 12 hours.
The more "normal" you make the fact the two of you aren't together, the more the kids can acclimate. Eventually, if divorce is really what you do, the kids will need to learn to live with parents separately.
Now, mind you, my EX and I still give my son one bday party, with us together, but it's not weird. We are there for a common purpose, and it's not about us, but about our child.
I wish you luck...the first vaca will be tough no matter what but, eventually, you will move on and be fine with it.

omg, playera, he is a horrible man. he has no clue about love. he thinks that feeling in love is love and he is so wrong. his job was to love you and the kids well and he sure dropped the ball on that one.

distance yourself from him and any man who thinks similarly. there is no way to win with men like that. what a tragedy.

Thanks for your support and kind words.
namaste - a lot of things can change but I dont think our feelings or actions are going to change and that also hurts. I'm so glad to see somebody like u in here, a survivor and happy again.
Trying - I think you nailed it - it was supposed to be "our" family vacation and it really hurts to think about my family having fun without me, I need to removed myself emotionally.

Maybe the man had an EA and woke up and realized what he had all along..I think he could be asking for forgivness and truelly want to make it work..You might want to give it another try since you still have love for the man..It may be in just your best interest to go on the vacation, give it both of yours some talking to and you best shot..The relationship deserves just that, I think and would hope. What have you got to loose? What do you stand to gain?
I think it is all possible to gain your relationship to a far better place than it has ever been. People make mistakes, sometimes big ones..Hopefully you will find it in your heart to talk and give it the vacation to try and work it out. Hear what he has to say...He may have had an eye opening experiance and is willing to make the change now to keep it at all costs. Now that he has some time away from everyone his mind is clearer.
I am sorry you are going through the such, relationships take alot of work. Sometimes people fall out of love, sometimes people cheat, or even do drugs..Just don't give up til you give it one last shot. If you don't get resolve then you can walk away head held high..But for everyone involved including yourself and kids what could it hurt?
I wish you the best, go have a little fun with everyone..enjoy the moment..If it takes you back to a man you married and he has woken up so let it be..I would wish you the best!!!

2new - you are right I dont have nothing to loose or nothing to gain - I'm just spent and tired, I've tried so hard and in the meanwhile he have just sat there, my hope for reconciliation is long gone. Sometimes I wonder if he is just bored, he see his soldiers everyday but their is no opportunity for socializing - I just think when he gets back he is going to get to really enjoy his freedom. I used to harbor secret hopes that he would change his mind but not anymore. Still confused about the vacation but inclined to not go. Thanks everybody for the listening ear.