Hello all. I'm not new to this site, but it's been a while since I've posted here...just thought I'd give it a try because I seem to be having a difficult time.

A little about me...I arrived on this site sometime around 2009, I think. At that time, I was pretty sure my marriage was in the beginning stages of the end. I was right. In June of 2011 my wife of over 10 years, left me, taking our 2 young daughters with her. The constant fighting was just too much for anyone, especially with 2 young girls in the picture...so she left me. It was the most devastating thing to ever happen to me and to be honest, I wanted to die. By die, I mean check out...slow suicide...the end, kind of shit. So I basically started to drink myself to death. Now I wasn't new to the whole drinking thing, as I had used it in my life for several years to cope. But not like this...I was basically checking out "Leaving Las Vegas" style. And then it nearly happened. Six months after she left, I turned yellow and went into liver failure. I entered the hospital in early January 2012 with a 50/50 prognosis to live, or die. Well I didn't die...obviously, as I think I'm here typing this right now...so anyway. I spent a week in the hospital, got the care I needed, sobered up and quit the bullshit. I realized that I didn't want to die.

So I began working out, eating healthy, running a lot and now I'm the healthiest I've ever been in my life...I'm 42 years old, by the way. The divorce was final last October. This past January, 2013, 1.5 years after my ex first moved out, she told me she was in love with someone else. Well the past year of getting myself better, I don't think I really processed the loss. I was too busy being healthy and working out. So it hit me hard.

Now, I'm basically back to where I was, almost 2 years ago, when she moved out. I'm going through the stages of grief, but this time I'm doing it sober. It's really tough facing life head on, when you're so used to numbing the pain...but I'm doing it.

So here I am. On DS, telling my story again. But this time I'm not joking around all the time like I used to...you see, I used to use humor as a way to avoid the real pain. It worked for a while...so did the booze. But the pain was still inside me, just waiting to be healed. Allowing myself to fully grieve and go through the various stages of grief, I am finally going through the healing process. There's still a great deal of hurt inside, but I can feel that it's not as bad as it once was. So if I can offer any advice on here, I'd say to allow yourself to feel the pain you're feeling. It's the worst feeling in the world and nobody but the people who go through divorce, or a breakup can know what it really feels like. But it's better than it was when the process began. Slowly, I can feel that I'm getting a little bit better. Maybe one day I can fully heal and enjoy life the way I used to...and go out for tacos with my friends, or something...