I havent been in your shoes, but wonder if this is how my spouse felt. But i did and still do love him. Was willing to do whatever to help make him OK. But he already had replaced me with new friends while i was busy working full-time job+, taking care of kids/house, trying to be a decent wife....said he needed passion & butterflies. After 25 yrs I did put a lot of effort into the passion, but there was nothing he didn't know about me that I could ever do for the butterflies. Finally gave-up and trying to live with him not missing his opportunity to see if there is a connection with his friend, as she left her spouse as well. Think she was waiting for someone to help her escape as well. Not sure but very hurtful to spouses and all our kids.

Not to be mean, but I don't think you are being fair to your spouse if he has no idea. Are you sure that he can't be the one to save you and be your escape? You should at least talk with him.

Not sure of your situation but hoping to meet someone and be able to escape...are you sure the next one will be better? I would suggest if you do need to leave, plan on relying on yourself for your happiness and other needs.

Best of luck

god help the poor sucker you choose to use to escape from this current guy. He's going to need all the help he can get.

I do find it unsettling that your escape would be to find a new man. How about you start initiating a plan for you, get a job, learn how to live without waiting around for someone to care for you. A man taking on a woman with two kids, one of them having autism, isn't going to be easy to find all of a sudden.

Have you ever once talked to your husband, or does he continue to think everything is ok while you use him for his paycheck?

Is your husband abusive? Is that why you need to escape?

What are the problems you are having with your marriage?

Hmmm...where are the people that usually jump down my throat, when I say things similar to the points made above thus far? How can anyone think it's OK to blindside a person that is providing for them, especially when they don't work?

@OP....I read your post and what you are saying is disturbing and delusional at the same time. I am sure there are men lining up out there to take on a woman with no job and has two kids, with the only thing you have to offer being...let me guess, sex that is mind blowing?

This is a typical case of people staying for the wrong reasons i.e. the home, car, financial comfort etc. If you really are unhappy, you will let your husband know, sell the house and downsize lie everybody else, work out the custody, get yourself a job to boost your low self esteem, and rebuild your life.

Unfortunately, there are just people (men and women) like yourself out there who are only with their partner for convenience sake, instead of actually loving them....they are more in love with what that person can provide for them. I have been there once with this type of people, and I plan to do everything in my power to make sure I don't end up with a leech.

Again....every adult has a primary responsibility of being independent and self sufficient. Until we acknowledge as a whole, we will continue to see teenagers growing up to be me me me entitled monsters, who take this attitude into relationships, and we all know what is bound to happen in the end.

I don't think anyone has the right to judge Cristiana or make assumptions about her situation based on the little bit of information she shared. We don't know the whole story. She didn't say why she's unhappy, why she wants out. The use of the word "escape" concerns me and makes me wonder if there are abuse issues in this marriage.
I think it's very easy to read a few lines, make assumptions and judgments but the reality is that none of us really know what goes on in their home or marriage.
This is a SUPPORT group, not a judgment group. I don't know about anyone else but when I'm hurting and struggling, empathy and compassion are much more helpful than someone telling me what's wrong with me or my actions. Just my opinion.

I was married the first time for 20 years, I'd say probably unhappy about 15 of those years. I worked full time, we had 4 kids and in the last few years of our marriage, I did everything to make our marriage better but he didn't care enough to fight with me. He was a controller, everything was his way, I had no say in anything that happened in our home, I was the one to have to get things fixed, to better our home, to take care of the kids, car problems, bills, etc. I stayed because I was honoring my marriage vows, I stayed because we had kids and I stayed because I said I would never get divorced (I came from a broken home) I was basically a shell of a woman by the time I was able to find enough strength to change my life. I don't regret the divorce. I feel I did the best thing I could to better my life and my children's lives and as hard as it was, my kids now understand why I sought the divorce. My ex is still the same and now controls the kids lives as much as possible, even tries to control mine to a degree. To this day, my kids know I have given them a safe, healthy home to live in and come visit. They are free to be themselves and know I won't judge them or buy their love and they are free to be themselves. With their dad, they walk on pins and needles most of the time, like I did for 20 years.

We are here to offer support, not judgment. We all have stories, we all are here for various reasons and on different sides of a broken relationship, we should come here feeling safe to talk about our situations, not get judged.

I do agree that you should start talking with your spouse, it is only fair that he be part of the plan, whatever plan that is going to be. Also, you need to take care of you and not hope for another man to do it, this is your life, you are the only one who can make YOU happy. Also, remember that the grass is NOT always greener on the other side, trust me, I speak from experience on this one just having gone through another divorce, this time an unwanted one.

I think you need to decide this: Either you're married and you fight for that marriage, or you don't want to be married so you take the necessary actions to divorce, which means talking to your spouse about your feelings in your marriage. I know if my current ex would of talked to me about things, I would have done anything to keep my marriage.....anything, but he didn't give me any choice, that is just not fair!!!!!!!

Good luck in your decisions, it's not an easy choice and one only you can make. Hugs

to loosingthebattle,

When I was writing, I was venting and didn't explain myself well simply because this is a support group and I thought that was what support groups were for. Let me clarify - my spouse does know how I feel. He can write a 10 page summary of how I feel. He knows exactly why I want a divorce. He knows exactly what it is that bothers me (things like ignoring our kids and not being emotionally supportive). I have told him specifically what to do to make our marriage better, but he puts minimal effort. What I meant to say was that, if I keep telling my husband that I want a divorce because he is abusive toward me and our kids, and/or not be "nice to him", he will take it out on either me or the kids by withholding money and/or getting very angry. My husband is very manipulative and will do whatever he can to keep me . He will use money to control not because he loves me and the kids but because he has "control" issues. We have been to therapists for years ( 4 different therapists) . I currently have my own therapist and she told me that I have to either accept him (because she's convinced he will never change) that he will never change or leave. He knows all this, but continues his ways.

I am very sad that people have judged me so harshly when they don't know the facts and I shouldn't have to tell you the facts in a support group. I did clarify the situation, though, and it took me about an hour of my time to do so. However, I found it necessary since I received such disturbing replies. Also, the ones who posted harsh comments are not abiding by the rules of "being nice." It says below in the comment section, "to be nice." When I opened up my comments section, I felt happy to see 8 comments (I was thinking 8 supportive comments to get me through the day), but instead I got mostly hurtful, harsh comments. I feel sad that people could be so judgmental, ignorant and mean. What is your goal for being on daily strength anyway...to make people worst... I don't understand...

Thank you Melissa87 for your sticking up for me! I feel happy that not everyone is mean to me - greatly appreciated. You are awesome!

Thank you for your story and your support yougospam!

Sorry for the hard comments from others, sometimes what we try and say doesn't come across very clear through our messages (either the write or the responders) Now that you have shared more of your story, I think you'll get more of the support and responses you need. This site literally got me through my 2nd divorce.
My story is very similar to yours and I for one know the reasons you have waited so long to make your decision. Been there and done that and have never looked back when I finally did decide to divorce. I also know what you mean by escaping your husband, I felt the same way and NO ONE will ever know what we've had to deal with. I've been divorced from my first husband for almost 10 years and he still tries to manipulate and control me and I still get that sick, icky feeling when having to deal with him. Since my second divorce he has stepped up to help but again it's on his terms and I was desperate enough to take his help BUT the difference is I'm in control of my life now, not him so I can deal with him where I couldn't while married.
Hang in there, and don't give up on us, we're here for you and will help you through the tough times ahead. Life is meant to be happy and secure and if you're not, then you can change it. It won't be easy, but if I can do it (sadly twice now) you can too.
Hugs~

@Christiana.....apologies if the response was a bit harsh. You are right that this is a support forum, but at the same time you have to realize that the responses were based on the info you provided. Yes the other person is not here to tell their side of the story, but I don't think any sane human being will hear someone say..."am going to leave my spouse who provides for me, and they don't know it yet", and not react the way some did on here.

Nobody with any human feelings, like to see another person get hurt, at least I know I don't and definitely don't get joy out of it.

I have said it before that communication is key in any type of relationship, but making a horse drink once at the stream is not always an option as it relates to relationships.

Withe added info from you....I agree that nobody should have to live or put up with any of that nonsense, and you have to empower yourself by either moving out to friends / family, or just tell the man flat out that you want a divorce. If he tries to control you, get a lawyer to show that you mean business.

1 Peter 3:8

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.

I do apologize for being harsh, but just because I'm so hurt from my spouse blindsiding me and then saying he has felt this way for the last 20 yrs. How does this happen?? I was more than willing and would have loved a more passionate caring marriage as well. If he is aware and continues doing things, I more than agree this is not good for anyone to live like this.

I am aware of couples that do and are mean and abusive to their partners and more than understand the damage and control they can have. I have tried to help her for the last 25 years to get out and move on. Just feel that her low self-esteem and worrying how she will get by financially has her too scared. Like you she has been a stay at home Mom and hasn't attended college.

I do wish you well, but hope that you come up with a plan to take care of you and get help from family or friends and not rely on another man. Sorry and good luck to you.