You may feel shame because you're ashamed that this happened to you. Being deceived and cheated on is very humiliating and a major blow to who we are and everything we believe in. Your world map has been ripped out from under you. The stigma attached to a betrayed spouse, by the ignorant mainstream, is that the betrayed spouse must have done something to warrant it. And it's this stigma that catapults countless loyal and betrayed spouses into a flurry of confusion and self-doubt over why their spouse cheated, and or abandoned them.

A loyal spouse who experiences abandonment, requires the help of a therapist, to unravel and cut through the irreparable damage that it causes. It's important to deal with abandonment separately, over and above the infidelity; it's a serious issue, and not to be taken lightly. It never goes away, and you fear its reoccurrence in every relationship going forward, until you deal with it specifically.

Luckily for many who have found this support group, myself included, it has helped many betrayed spouses confirm what they felt deep down, against all that stigma and inaccurate presumptions, that we had nothing to do with it. This board exists amongst many things, to help those who remain stuck at this stage, and can't push through it, for a number of reasons. The one I believe to be the most important is our own belief system. What we believe and what we've been raised to believe can hinder us, leaving us stuck in the mud of self-pity and emotional pain that we create and inflict upon ourselves. They have the affair, yet we drag ourselves through hell over it.

Releasing oneself from the drudgery requires a level of 'I can't do this anymore', in order to become introspective and go mind spelunking to discover what is, and what is no longer important to you, and give yourself permission to slough it off, guilt-free. Comparing oneself to others' lives is self-defeating. Most of the time it's in our head, fuelled by the powerful images we create in our mind. When one can remove and alleviate oneself from the bars on the window, the freedom that you achieve is game-changing, and elevates you to the next level of healing and self assurance.

You have done well to go no contact, but something about how you've written here sounds like you are not finished with him, and perhaps deep down you're pining for him to come back to you. If there is any truth to this, it's a precarious place to be. If you truly no longer want to be with him, you may need to construct some permanent boundaries to protect yourself in the chance that he comes back asking to be let in.

Wishing you well.

Lenoire, to answer your question as honestly as i can, no i a not pinning, however, i do miss him, and the life we had before he turned into a stranger. would i take him back, at some point if he changes and was truly remorseful yes. I am not blind, nor am i naive, but this is the man i committed myself to and spent 10 years of my life with. I am implementing zero contact, regardless of his excuses to call or text me about fiances, ext. I am having zero contact. I need my space, my time to sort through and understand what happened. I am moving forward as best as i can, and hopefully one day i wont want to still be with him, but right now i can not help but long for the man i used to love and the life we had. trust me when I say i dont want to still love him, i wish nothing more than to wake up and forget he existed, but that is not possible, so i have to work through it and yes...maybe one day rebuild what we had, again...if he changes and i can see that he truly is remorseful for destroying our life. :(

Kay, you will work thru it eventually. Are you even
Divorced yet? Thats a big turning point to many of
Us, it is legally over.

Self protect is my mantra now and Keeping very
strong boundaries in place and staying total no
Contact has helped me a lot. Not possible really
During divorce. Just keep it to non personal and
Limited no contact.

I never mentally wanted my ex back. Why Would i?
I could never trust him again. Everything Marital was
done and overwith. He was No longer my husband
or even someone i knew Anymore. He was a stranger.

The big but until the day of the divorce i think My heart
held out hope he would see the error Of his ways and
come back and be who i thought He was. That was a
pipe dream i knew underneath it would never Happen.

He was checked out, disconnected and bonded With
another woman. There was nothing in there for me or
Our marriage. I was the past to him and it was over. He
Had no remorse or concern for me only cared how he
Fared in the divorce process financially, HUGS

Mirandac...No we are not. He has moved in with the young girl he works with, she is but 21, actually just turned 21. He was still calling and Texting me, concerned with what I was doing and who I was with, until I confronted him with the truth of his relationship with her. Which I then stopped allowing him to come to the house. I told him I would tell her everything and that scared him, however, I have heard he is wearing a ring as a sign of commitment to her, and my response, how old are you? this is not high school, where you pin someone. We are adults...well I am, and I though he was. Its a long complicated story, I love this man, and I could find forgivness, but not at this point, I want no contact, I will stand firm to that no contact, and I will work on myself, if there comes a time that I meet someone along the way, then that is a bridge I will have to cross. When I confirmed his relationship with the girl, he denied it. Now he denies any future plans with her and any marriage to her, but she is posting things so they will come back to me about their engagement and future wedding, and pictures of them out together. I no longer have any social media for her to play childish games, and no contact with anyone that was friends with him and I as a couple to have them relay info. What he is doing is on him.