Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I often read on this board about, "trust" and people not being able to trust any more. Here is what I have learn over the past 5 years post divorce about trust .
To give most of you a quick background as to who I am( I don't post here much any more) I was married for 15 years and have 3 kids, I pride myself in the ability to see through people and flush out all the bull$hit. I could walk into a board room meeting and within minutes read the room and tell you exactly everyones position on a subject was. So your are probably reading this saying, "wow this guy is pretty good" nope I was not. What I didn't realize is that my now ex wife was very unhappy with the marriage and would do anything to get out of it. When I found out that my wife had been carrying on a relationship outside the marriage I was completely devastated....beyond description. The guy who could sniff out people and there intentions was been duped right under his nose.
So what did I learn, first I blamed her and would not trust anyone around me.......but then I allowed myself to take the emotions out of it and what I found was that it wasn't others I did not trust it was myself I could not trust.
What do I mean by not trusting myself.....looking back I ignored the warning signs....the were right there in front of me and I made the decision talk myself what I was really seeing.
Fast forward 5 years and I was sitting in a restaurant with my ex wife after my daughters soccer game surrounded by other parents and my ex was talking to the group and I closed my eyes and listen to her talk and laugh and I said to myself, " I could see where you would be attracted to this person" She was engaging, funny and very smart.
At that moment I realized how far and how little I had come in my growth. On one side of the coin I was attracted to her again and the other side I was able to see through the person better, and then I realized I would not blame her for who she was, but to blame myself for not trust my gut and doing what was best for me.
Peace
To give most of you a quick background as to who I am( I don't post here much any more) I was married for 15 years and have 3 kids, I pride myself in the ability to see through people and flush out all the bull$hit. I could walk into a board room meeting and within minutes read the room and tell you exactly everyones position on a subject was. So your are probably reading this saying, "wow this guy is pretty good" nope I was not. What I didn't realize is that my now ex wife was very unhappy with the marriage and would do anything to get out of it. When I found out that my wife had been carrying on a relationship outside the marriage I was completely devastated....beyond description. The guy who could sniff out people and there intentions was been duped right under his nose.
So what did I learn, first I blamed her and would not trust anyone around me.......but then I allowed myself to take the emotions out of it and what I found was that it wasn't others I did not trust it was myself I could not trust.
What do I mean by not trusting myself.....looking back I ignored the warning signs....the were right there in front of me and I made the decision talk myself what I was really seeing.
Fast forward 5 years and I was sitting in a restaurant with my ex wife after my daughters soccer game surrounded by other parents and my ex was talking to the group and I closed my eyes and listen to her talk and laugh and I said to myself, " I could see where you would be attracted to this person" She was engaging, funny and very smart.
At that moment I realized how far and how little I had come in my growth. On one side of the coin I was attracted to her again and the other side I was able to see through the person better, and then I realized I would not blame her for who she was, but to blame myself for not trust my gut and doing what was best for me.
Peace
That was an interesting read. Insightful and deep. Something that sparked my interest is that I also enter boardrooms and within a few minutes tell where everybody's at.
The difference though is that I did trust my instincts where my marriage was concerned. I sniffed out that something fishy was going on, yet I was too naive to understand and believe that someone I had built my life with over so many years could pick up a young woman, pay her airfare and take her overseas to spend time with him in a hotel room. He had found a new love, apparently.
Meanwhile I was the one waking up at 4 in the morning to cook for the family before going on to work, so that he and my children would have homemade hot meals. Yet I had the more stressful job, worked longer hours than he, studied and self improved to continuously advance my carreer, and foot most of the bills. But I always put him and the family first so that they lacked nothing. I was 100% trustworthy in all aspects...would never think of cheating in any form or fashion.
I showered him with love, withheld nothing....he's told me repeatedly and would not hesitate to tell anyone that I was the perfect wife (well we all know that nobody's perfect). But yet he cheated, spent money on her that he didn't have, while I was making up the shortfall in the family budget.
So as far as trusting myself, I'll say this: I do not know the heart of man and I will not trust myself to know it. I have no idea what someone else will do...nobody does. The Bible says 'The heart of man is desperately wicked...who can know it?' I believe that.
For now, I only trust my dog......my sweet black and brown German Shepherd! I'm sure I'll get too much love from him when I come home from work. He will be sure to be at the front gate, with a sparkle in his eyes, wagging his tail and looking for hugs....now I can bank on that!...lol!!
Cheers and all the best to you in your journey.
I just had a thought that I should expand on my previous reply.
Jeremiah 17:9 says (New Living Translation):
"The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?"
Whether you're religious or not you may realise that there's some meat in there.
Sometimes when I listen to the news, and especially recently, I say to myself that the earth would be a better place without humans.
I think we were all born with a deceitful streak which is clearly evident when we watch the behaviour of toddlers. If character is not developed that deceiful streak just blossoms and festers and manifests in people like our cheating spouses.
None of us is perfect but I believe that unfortunately, most humans are deceitful and wicked to varying degrees. So who can we trust?? Well it's up to you who you wanna trust but just not let it be blind trust and prepare for....pretty much anything. If you feel that you must be with someone just learn how to protect your heart!
My biggest nightmare was being without her in my life. Through the trauma of this loss I have gained confidence in the healing process. I am still grieving but the worst is over. Yesterday, 3/4 of the way through the day, I realized that I hadn't had that never ending conversation with her in my head.
My insides are not available right now for another relationship. I am still way too disappointed and have no appetite for it.
Like everyone else here I have learned some important things. I am taking my trust in myself back because I refuse to allow some non-self narcissist to take anymore from me. There are good people out there. People like us are out there and more people like them for sure but haven't we collected some flags and aren't we ready to set better limits and make some distinctions?
My money is on the healing process and that love is a perennial. Without this human feature women would never get pregnant twice.
Can't say I've mastered it though. For me it is necessary if I don't want to expose myself again...it wasn't pretty. I just can't afford to immerse myself into someone like that again... that is risky business.
My wife was not happy either. She was not happy with Jan, Feb, Mar, Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, my son, her nephew, her mother, spring, winter, fall and she justified NOT participating in talk, hobbies, outside interests and she hated work. I would hate to see any justification for the pain she caused here because I didn't make her happy. That's a hell of a job, kinda like trying to spoon feed a baby who is clamping her mouth shut. She chose diminish and dump, she chose lying, taking no responsibility........wait....did someone here cheat because she was "unhappy" and didn't see any other option except infidelity? I'm thinking that divorce would be a reality after cheating. Why wouldn't it be an option before cheating. Just thinking out loud......
My ex stated she didn't realise how unhappy she was with me until she met her new man. That was out of my control. Not only did she choose not to talk to me about her unhappiness, she lied to me everyday about it.
I will choose to trust again, I want to love and be loved and because of that I will open myself up.
The one thing I know is that my ex might be happier now, but it won't last. The same BS that affected her while we were together will affect her again.
A good friend of mine, his ex left him for another man. Five years later he's telling me she looks and sounds miserable.