Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I often read on this board about, "trust" and people not being able to trust any more. Here is what I have learn over the past 5 years post divorce about trust .
To give most of you a quick background as to who I am( I don't post here much any more) I was married for 15 years and have 3 kids, I pride myself in the ability to see through people and flush out all the bull$hit. I could walk into a board room meeting and within minutes read the room and tell you exactly everyones position on a subject was. So your are probably reading this saying, "wow this guy is pretty good" nope I was not. What I didn't realize is that my now ex wife was very unhappy with the marriage and would do anything to get out of it. When I found out that my wife had been carrying on a relationship outside the marriage I was completely devastated....beyond description. The guy who could sniff out people and there intentions was been duped right under his nose.
So what did I learn, first I blamed her and would not trust anyone around me.......but then I allowed myself to take the emotions out of it and what I found was that it wasn't others I did not trust it was myself I could not trust.
What do I mean by not trusting myself.....looking back I ignored the warning signs....the were right there in front of me and I made the decision talk myself what I was really seeing.
Fast forward 5 years and I was sitting in a restaurant with my ex wife after my daughters soccer game surrounded by other parents and my ex was talking to the group and I closed my eyes and listen to her talk and laugh and I said to myself, " I could see where you would be attracted to this person" She was engaging, funny and very smart.
At that moment I realized how far and how little I had come in my growth. On one side of the coin I was attracted to her again and the other side I was able to see through the person better, and then I realized I would not blame her for who she was, but to blame myself for not trust my gut and doing what was best for me.
Peace
To give most of you a quick background as to who I am( I don't post here much any more) I was married for 15 years and have 3 kids, I pride myself in the ability to see through people and flush out all the bull$hit. I could walk into a board room meeting and within minutes read the room and tell you exactly everyones position on a subject was. So your are probably reading this saying, "wow this guy is pretty good" nope I was not. What I didn't realize is that my now ex wife was very unhappy with the marriage and would do anything to get out of it. When I found out that my wife had been carrying on a relationship outside the marriage I was completely devastated....beyond description. The guy who could sniff out people and there intentions was been duped right under his nose.
So what did I learn, first I blamed her and would not trust anyone around me.......but then I allowed myself to take the emotions out of it and what I found was that it wasn't others I did not trust it was myself I could not trust.
What do I mean by not trusting myself.....looking back I ignored the warning signs....the were right there in front of me and I made the decision talk myself what I was really seeing.
Fast forward 5 years and I was sitting in a restaurant with my ex wife after my daughters soccer game surrounded by other parents and my ex was talking to the group and I closed my eyes and listen to her talk and laugh and I said to myself, " I could see where you would be attracted to this person" She was engaging, funny and very smart.
At that moment I realized how far and how little I had come in my growth. On one side of the coin I was attracted to her again and the other side I was able to see through the person better, and then I realized I would not blame her for who she was, but to blame myself for not trust my gut and doing what was best for me.
Peace
I love your rant! Well said.... and Here, here to ice cream the only thing you can trust!
S
Yes, that is what trusting basically is in a nutshell. So are you saying the act of trusting is a wrong thing to do or is it the person who breaks this trust the one who did the wrong thing to do? Or are you saying neither and just stating a matter of fact?
i trust my judgement less, second guess every fffffffffffffffffffing thought
i trust myself more, at my core i'm about what i thought/hoped i was about
There were a million signs from my last relationship, all I had to do was pick one to walk away; but it's all hindsight and at the time, I fell into the same trap.
If it's because of self esteem, or confusion, or a mixture of betrayals of trust-- the first thing I think the both of us should do is to take the time to settle who we are first. What we are willing to compromise, what are our deal breakers, what is deserving of our trust. I guess the main reason of joining this board is so I can get a good amount of reflection when I work on that.
Keep moving forward, and take care of yourself.
I chose the ex when I was 20; my pre-frontal cortex wasn't even fully developed which is a very good reason not to get married until you're at least 25. The red flags that should have been slapping me in the face, I mistook for real love. I was very wrong.
I have been absolutely, strictly no contact with the ex since about a month after we got divorced. I was still allowing him to take advantage of me 3 years after I discovered his infidelity. I have a lot of healing to do before I can trust another person but I think part of this healing is feeling as though I've learned enough from this horrible experience to be able to trust myself. That's going to be a very long process.
Totally understand where you're coming from though. Hang in there.
lemaym1.wordpress.com
But after spending the pm with my EX yesterday...it again was liberating to feel no love or atttraction to her
In fact I found her hideous......and reaffirms I would never take her back....or want her
That ship is long sailed
She broke my trust and betrayed me in the worst ways
But. I am learning to trust again....slowly
In time....all is revealed
slowly ....but protecting myself also
katy i totally relate to what you said as well. i am not dating per se, but if any man talks to me i question every thing they say and do-certain they will hurt me if given the chance. this is helping me notice myself though, and i can check myself and my fears and my assumptions. i am thinking it's another stage i have to grow from.