Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi everyone, I just need to vent. I am having such a hard time coping. My unemployed ex did not leave the house after I filed divorce at the advice of his lawyer. He is unemployed, has never contributed money to the household, and worked up tons of debt (close to $40k) that I knew nothing about. I found out that entire time I have been funding the household and my daughter's tuition and bills, sacrificing every penny of my money to her and the house, he has been spending 1000's of dollars on himself on camera equipment. Even after I found out about it and even though he has no money, he continues to spend money on himself. He is so selfish.
It has been hell to live with him. I work all day and come up to find the breakfast dishes in the sink still and the house a mess. Everyday, I get to clean it all up. I have building up more and more resentment, which is really hard. I feel like he is playing a sick manipulative game with me, where he is doing the maximum to piss me off, so that I get mad and then he can threaten to take more away from me in the divorce.
He is holding a reasonable divorce settlement over my head. We were close to reaching an agreement the week before last when we met with our two lawyers and last week in counseling, he admitted that he'd drop the spousal support, so that I can afford to keep our daughter in school. If that is true, we would have a settlement.
But then what happens is that he changes his mind and he does so capriciously. For example, I booked a trip out to my family in Colorado and he had no input on days for me as long as we split the time, since he wanted to take her to his family. I did this and then he got furious at me, because I booked her to his family after his sister will have left town for the summer. I knew nothing about the dates his sister was leaving and he insists that he told me, but I swear to God, this was the first I had hear it. I booked the trip before HE even knew about his sisters dates. And then what he does is threaten me with the settlement and say screw it, we'll let the courts sort it out and you will be screwed.
I just find it so frustrating that anytime I do something wrong (and this time, I didn't even do anything), he then pulls the settlement off the table. In counseling, we were supposed to have agreed to stop the threats, but he keeps them up. If we don't settle, I could be trapped in the ninth circle of hell for many more months. I honestly don't think I survive living with someone who has such a temper for much longer. I feel like I am walking on egg shells and even without doing anything, he can make up that I have done something. I feel that I am living with such a manipulative man, who is hell bent on destroying me.
It has been hell to live with him. I work all day and come up to find the breakfast dishes in the sink still and the house a mess. Everyday, I get to clean it all up. I have building up more and more resentment, which is really hard. I feel like he is playing a sick manipulative game with me, where he is doing the maximum to piss me off, so that I get mad and then he can threaten to take more away from me in the divorce.
He is holding a reasonable divorce settlement over my head. We were close to reaching an agreement the week before last when we met with our two lawyers and last week in counseling, he admitted that he'd drop the spousal support, so that I can afford to keep our daughter in school. If that is true, we would have a settlement.
But then what happens is that he changes his mind and he does so capriciously. For example, I booked a trip out to my family in Colorado and he had no input on days for me as long as we split the time, since he wanted to take her to his family. I did this and then he got furious at me, because I booked her to his family after his sister will have left town for the summer. I knew nothing about the dates his sister was leaving and he insists that he told me, but I swear to God, this was the first I had hear it. I booked the trip before HE even knew about his sisters dates. And then what he does is threaten me with the settlement and say screw it, we'll let the courts sort it out and you will be screwed.
I just find it so frustrating that anytime I do something wrong (and this time, I didn't even do anything), he then pulls the settlement off the table. In counseling, we were supposed to have agreed to stop the threats, but he keeps them up. If we don't settle, I could be trapped in the ninth circle of hell for many more months. I honestly don't think I survive living with someone who has such a temper for much longer. I feel like I am walking on egg shells and even without doing anything, he can make up that I have done something. I feel that I am living with such a manipulative man, who is hell bent on destroying me.
I hate even thinking this way, but when being nice doesn't work it is time to go to war.
I think I may resort to doing nothing, make no arrangements, get anything I can in writing and NEVER tell him anything I am thinking, feeling, or especially anything my lawyer says.
I sure wish you the best of luck, just keep your eyes on the future
Is he using credit cards to buy the camera equipment? Writing checks? Does your lawyer advise cancelling those cards, closing the bank account, to limit any further damage? Opening up credit in your name only - he certainly shouldn't be able to open up his own card without having a job.
I'm going through my CIS - Case Information Statement, and I understand that essentially his standard of living is not supposed to dramatically change, while things are being worked out. Meaning that you couldn't say, sell his car and then he'd have to walk places. But that does NOT mean he can recklessly spend money. Make certain that you find every receipt or withdrawal that you can tie to this camera equipment and any other unnecessary spending.
Does he even have a plan, post-divorce? A place to live? If not, you really may be in for the long haul and may have to resort to litigation, since he has nothing better to do.
In my case, the stbx moved his payroll deposit to a new individual account, a week ago. Yet, he's still living here. He said he will pay whatever bills he can, while focusing his funds on that stupid new house he built. It's total bullshit. What he says is crap, and is never to be trusted. My normally calm lawyer got her highly litigious partner involved in my case, because of really unacceptable behavior on stbx's part. I will have to pay a ton on lawyer fees because he's jerking me around. If I were you, I'd keep it in the front of my mind that you may have to stop the negotiation and just sue his ass.
I don't have any words on how to get through this other than to say that you are the strong one. He's insecure and has zero ability to deal with issues in a healthy way. You need to do your best to keep a level head, keep your heart distant and protected, keep your emotions in check around him. Do it for your daughter. There just has to be karma in this world, and I hope you get to see karma smack him upside the head.