Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,010 Members

100,360 Posts

2 Online

MontgomeryDad 12/15/2016

So, last night, my wife came to me and told me that my brother told his son (my nephew) that her and I were getting a divorce. And she was upset by this. I let it slide at first, but then asked her what did he say that was incorrect. She started to say we are just at the beginning of the separation process, and then she went into a rant about how she doesn't want my nephew saying anything to my sons, even though they haven't talked in about a year. I told her that I will make sure my nephew doesn't say anything, but what he said is the truth. She then started saying I was acting too matter of fact about it. I asked her how she would like me to act. I've already cried a million tears, and I am starting to accept what is going to take place. She then asked why I still tell her I love her and continue to do nice things if I think divorce is what is going to happen. I replied that those are things I want to do, as I do still love her, and then I shared with her my my therapist told me. That is, continue to do the things you feel are right, and if your wife doesn't accept them, it will be good practice for the next woman you meet.

Needless to say, this did not go over well. She started getting angry saying that I was trying to make her upset, and how would i like it if she mentioned the "next person" in her life. I told her there's a big difference there. I still want to be with her, whereas she has told me repeatedly that she doesn't care what I do or who I see as long as they are nice to the kids. She told me she never said she would be ok with me with another woman. Total lie, she has said it multiple times. And that she thinks it's horrible I would practice for the next woman, but didn't think she was important enough to do this with consistently with her. I said I am trying to become a better person, and I am starting to do the things all the time that I was never doing consistently. If she doesn't want to believe this is how it's going to be, and she still wants out, then there's nothing I can do about that. Just trying to start a routine that will help with any woman who I am with. I told her I didn't think it would bother her that I mentioned the "next woman" who doesn't even exist yet. I mean, did she think I was going to be single forever? I don't understand her rationale at all.

ltwist 12/15/2016

She shows signs of having another man in the wings. She is f-ing with you., sorry to be so blunt. I think she is also feeling guilty but refuses to take on any of the blame. It's pretty clear that you can't have a normal, honest talk with her.

jimthzz 12/15/2016

Disengage, the "lady" is effing with your mind in every way that she can do so.

If you are truly divorcing, there is no point to hashing out whatever you are doing with her in nightly combat.

MontgomeryDad 12/15/2016

She is so adamant about not having someone else in the wings, which I think bothers me more than anything. If she just owned up to it, I could be on my merry way. Well, not merry, but you catch my drift. She is f-ing with me. That much is plainly obvious. I just don't get why. I think she may feel that I have made her feel horrible about herself (strictly her opinion, and no one else's), and she is getting back at me by being this way. So infuriating.

jojored 12/15/2016

I'm very confused by what your wife says. I also initiated the divorce due to decades long emotional abuse that I slowly became aware of. Basically, he's never been in the marriage. That aside, as the initiator, I made it very clear to stbx that there was no going back. That things were not going to get better. Than even though when he put up roadblocks to divorce, even when he told me I was destroying the family and ruining the kid's lives, I was still proceeding and would not be swayed by his guilt tripping. I'm focused on the finish line. I try to be matter of fact and pragmatic. I made the decision to divorce, what stbx thinks is irrelevant to me at this point, although truth be told what he says does hurt alot but that is my pain to deal with. I don't dump it back on him. I would think your stbx should feel the same way. Why does she care so much about what you're doing and why/how you're behaving decently toward her? She wanted the divorce, she needs to wrap her head around it. My thoughts are that she's really not certain of her decision, and she's torturing you with her ambivilance. She has this power over you, which is your love for her, and she's playing selfish games with you. Pretty sure that would be considered emotional abuse too. I hope your can continue to keep your head clear and do what is right for you and your children. Do your best to ignore her.

Koko 12/15/2016

I really hope she agrees to some couples counseling. She seems very confused and if you two don't really want to get divorced you should try to work it out first. Divorce is so final and expensive so both of you should be completely on board.

MontgomeryDad 12/15/2016

She wants it, I don't. Since I got home this afternoon she is acting like a total witch. Going on about how much shit she's done since she got home. Told her I appreciated it and she jumps down my throat. Trying to help our 6?year old with homework and she jumps down my throat. So, so tired of this. I do not deserve this crap. I really don't.

jojored 12/15/2016

She says she wants it, but then she's not acting like she's totally onboard. I'm confused as to why she's so vested in you. I would think most people who want divorce have already distanced themselves emotionally from the stbx and are mostly past caring either way about their spouse on that level. That's what happened with me, anyway. I stopped having expectations, and stopped caring too much one way or another about what he did or said, so there wasn't much need to yell or have a strong response to anything. It's all business for me now.

Maybe others who have initiated divorce have a different viewpoint than I do....this is just my 2 cents.

Koko 12/15/2016

Agree with jo. My husband initiated divorce but by the time he did he was already distant. To him he was already emotionally separated so couldn't understand why I was so upset.... so to me your wife showing so much emotion sounds like she is unsure of the divorce. Or she just enjoys making you miserable. Either way not healthy for you.

kbbcoop77 12/15/2016

She's driving you bonkers and to the bottle every Wednesday night. Not a healthy environment at all. Think about you kids. She's whacked out with her confusing double speak. I would separate from her if I were you, my ex tried this shit and after 3 weeks I told her to leave. If she won't then you should. It's not healthy, think about your kids, they are living this shit.

samantha717 12/15/2016

She is VERY controlling! She is controlling the kids, you, the divorce/separation, people in your family and now she's trying to control the life you have afterward. The reason you can't understand her rationale is because you don't think like her. You aren't controlling and manipulative. Don't waste your time trying to figure her out or defend yourself to her. You can't win. She will never let you.

MontgomeryDad 12/16/2016

She is controlling, and I know I let that happen, but it's hard to regain control when I still love her like I do.

Almost completely went off the rails last night. It was a really, really bad night, She mentioned divorce in front of our 6 year old and I nearly had a complete breakdown. Then she pulled me aside and apologized, and started telling me she doesn't think I have changed at all. That my actions and my words don't match. I keep telling her I am in an emotional hell right now. I've lost both of my parents in the last 3 years, along with a 7 year old nephew. Then this happens. What the hell does she expect? I feel like she's almost trying to throw me a bone, saying that if she saw a change, it might not be like this. Then she said she thinks I'm incapable of having a 50/50 split with the kids. I woke up crying again this morning,. Not sure how much more I can take. Mediation is on Wednesday. Not looking forward to that at all.

jimthzz 12/16/2016

Just keep in mind that she is doing a psychops on you. She does not get to define your ability to spend time with the kids. If you let her do that, that is on you.

And as far as whether or not she wants you as a husband? Move on! It is clear from what you have written that she just wants you to do the pick me dance and jump higher than you can.

Do not indulge her drama antics.

Disengage from speaking to her anymore except about the kids.

Any divorce talk? Stop it. Communicate through a lawyer.

I get it that it is painful and emotionally devastating.
So cinch up your belt and swallow that and stay on point.

MontgomeryDad 12/16/2016

Jim everything you say makes complete sense. It honestly does. Just easier said than done. Still have so many feelings for her. It's beyond hurtful what she's doing, and I just wish someone would say something to her about the witch she has. become. I really do.

Riley269 12/16/2016

I completely understand how you feel. I still do all the things for my husband as I did before...because I want to yet he refuses to do anything that he used to do. People ask me why I continue to do things for him. Well it's just how I am. I'm still his wife for now and I think I should do what is expected of me for now.

MontgomeryDad 12/16/2016

Riley, I wish all people had your attitude. As much as it sucks, I still view myself as her husband, and I still love her. I think she not only expects me to do all of the stuff I did before, she expects more. She told me again last night that if I really truly wanted her back, I would be fighting harder, and doing more things for her. She's something else.

Join the Conversation