Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Tips for healing...

spirit11
spirit11
I just ended a four year relationship last week. I left the man because he was so distant, and I could tell something was off. He wasnt invested in 'us', but wanted me to keep making him feel loved and needed, and like he was my world. When he pulled away, I asked him if he still wanted to be with me or saw a future with me, and he said no. It hurt so bad, but I told him, I cant be with someone who doesnt want to be with me and left him.

That very night, he had my replacement picked out and they already started their relationship. Whether it had been going on while we were still together, I dont know... he says it wasnt, but I have my doubts. I know I am in a far better place, I know I will be happy again, and find someone who will be just what I need in a man... but right now, I hurt... so much. I cry everyday, I cry at work, I cry at home... I cry myself to sleep. I cry if someone asks me how I am doing, I cry if someone asks me about him... it just hurts. I dont hurt that the relationship ended, I hurt because I feel like I never mattered, that none of it ever mattered, that it was all for what I could provide for him. It makes me feel worthless (even though I know I am not). I want nothing more than to get over the hurt of this, and it not bother me. I want to not care anymore...

Does anyone have any tips to help heal? I try to stay busy, but my energy is low right now... I know I am suffering from some mild depression over this because I can barely eat, and sleep is hard... I dont want to do anything, I just lay in my chair, and hurt when I am not at work... I just want to be normal and happy and focus on my daughter, career, and goals... I dont want to hurt anymore.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Spirit11,
I am sorry that you are going through this. I am writing as I can empathise with you. I can relate to the feelings you mention above.

"He wasnt invested in 'us', but wanted me to keep making him feel loved and needed, and like he was my world. When he pulled away, I asked him if he still wanted to be with me or saw a future with me, and he said no". The very same thing happened to me. He thought it appropriate then to use me sexually and emotionally while asking out and dating our colleagues. As a HSP, I fell apart so I packed in my job and moved home. I have just recently found out that he is going out with my friend from work. that just makes me think how lonely and desperate they must be,

How to heal? Well, I am not definitive on this as I am still in the process. I guess just to keep busy, find new passions or anything that will occupy your mind. Maybe go back to education. I am doing a course in counselling and psychotherapy which I love. Walking, meditation, being kind to yourself all help.

Keep me posted xx
deleted_user
deleted_user
(((hugs))) hun. You sound exactly how I felt 3 weeks ago. There is no magic wand but I can honestly say 3 weeks down the line I do feel better. Not good, not great but better. In another 3 weeks, who knows? Keep doing what you are doing and hang on in there. You did the right thing and it will get better.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Idk, as I am figuring this out myself. In between the packing and taking care of my kids I just want to sleep. There is a song I found and its kind of my motivation the last few days. Its called stand back up by sugarlang. Hope you find some peace.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i'm sorry for all that you have gone through and are going through. the man was a classic taker personality and soaked up everything that you were willing to give while giving you very little in return. when it ended, the bottom fell out because you were already running on empty and your levels were depleted still further.

the way to feel better is to fill yourself back up again. feed your body, your mind, your emotions, and your spirit with things that are good for you. let good things in. slowly, they will nurture you and restore you to good health. try to give your emotions a much needed break whenever possible. they are strained to the limit and need relief. peace and quiet and laughter around you will be good for you as is sunshine and rest. be careful to not work too hard and not to have a complicated home life. go very, very easy on yourself right now as you slowly get back together again.

the next time, be sure to choose a man who is a true giver. then, only give in amounts that he gives - first. don't ever give a man more than he gives you. you now know what it is like to be drained dry and you must not ever allow that to happen again. no man is worth it.
spirit11
spirit11
Thanks for your responses. Monday was the first day since the break up 10 days prior that I made it through the day with out crying. Tuesday was better... I tried to keep myself busy as when my mind was focused on other things, I didnt feel the emptiness inside.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband hasn't been "in the marriage" either for the past 4 years and told me he never wore his wedding ring for the past 4 years (we have been married 23 years) because he knew it would end up in divorce. Boy do I understand how devastated you are and can definitely validate your feelings. When you are going through a stressor like this you will have a myriad of emotions coming in and out. If you can realize that the negative ones will not last forever and that this is only a temporary setback in life, the horizon may clear a little bit more for you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yay Spirit, keep going, you can do this! I remember the first day I didn't cry. I still cry occasionally but each time it is less, easier to recover. Try to start thinking less about him and more about yourself, your needs and wants, your dreams and aspirations. Invest in yourself. You are so very worth it!
deleted_user
deleted_user
spirit, it's been two months since my gf of six years left me in the middle of what i thought was an outstanding relationship. outside of one day where i was having too much fun with my friends, i haven't had a day yet where i haven't cried over it. it sucks.

healing takes time. personally, talking to friends have helped...but don't talk to them just about the situation...talk to them about other things as well. try to do things you used to enjoy. even if you have to force yourself at first. doing physical things while you may not have the energy at first....also helps. every day since i've moved into my new place...i beat the hell out of a punching bag. hell of a stress reliever. i know several friends who run to relieve stress as well.

the answer is different for everyone, but the concept seems to be the same...find things you enjoy and focus on them. they will make you feel better in general and the better you feel overall...the quicker you'll heal.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I dug down deep within myself. I said " Gosh Darn, If I'm gonna feel this miserable then I'm gonna find out what I did right / wrong and find out who the heck I was dealing with as far as this type of X was concerned. So I never have to make the same mistake again and suffer so. Well, I have and I did. I learned an encyclopedia full. That has been my recompense, the silver lining to the dark cloud. I feel relieved and extremely good about myself having done and doing all the soul searching. And I know, I'm a whole lot safer and a whole lot happier now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I too can relate to your story and how you feel. It was really helpful for me to journal, journal, journal (I prefer ink and paper). And there were many times I wanted to give him a piece of my mind so I wrote emails and sent them to myself. When you go back and read what you wrote you can see how much progress you're making. Get rid of things that remind you of him, move your furniture around, go take a mini-vacation if you can. Focus on appreciating every beautiful thing you run into and count all of your blessings (like your daughter, job, health...). Eventually I think we all get to a point where we are tired of wasting our tears on a person that's not really worth them.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Do something that you always wanted to do, and somehow never got around to or never found the time for.

My silly little example? I had always wanted to try archery. I looked on Meetup.com, found a group, went to an archery meetup and had a blast. I'm going to another one later this month.

This is your time for you. Be good to you.
KRKing911
KRKing911
Your grieving the loss of the relationship. You will feel like you do and there's not much to help except perhaps journaling. You have found a great place here. It's been a lifeline for me!

Just remember:
You can do this
It's not your fault
You will be OK.
You are better off without him

Be gentle with yourself. You won't feel like this forever - but you do have to go through it to get through it.

I would also suggest finding a therapist. It helps to get your feelings out. They can help you understand why your feeling what you are.
(Hugs)