Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
After dreading it for days, I talked with the stbx and although it hurt, at least now I know that our love is over.
I had the feeling it was but felt I needed to plead my case one final time. It hurt to hear that her attraction to me died years ago but the real stunner was that during our reconciliation effort, one night in the middle of having sex, she decided at that time that we were done and after she climaxed, she left my bedroom for good. How am I supposed to handle that?? Talk about having a knife stabbed into your heart and twisted!!! What the hell was to be gained by saying that??
She then told me that it was shortly after that when she started talking to her new guy. This is really taking a toll on my self-esteem. It's not that she is with another guy but was that necessary to say? All during our marriage I did whatever I could - in bed and out - to make her happy . Sure, sex is important but it can't be the only thing that matters.
I guess this other man has the financial ability to take her where she wants to go and do and can take whatever time off he needs to do so. I don't have the luxury of the money or the take off and go so all of a sudden, I'm not that important anymore??
If there's any solace for me it is that he is moving out of state in a few months. She says she is invested in their relationship and it's going to hurt her when he leaves. She won't go with him because her family is here and she also knows that a long distance relationship won't work. I don't know why but I'm feeling a little happier knowing that her heart will break when he does. We had several good years together and I'm feeling this spiteful? I hate myself when I start feeling like this but after the chat last night maybe I'm justified, at least in my mind. I think my only move when he leaves is sit back and let her do whatever she will need to do to deal with her pain without helping in any form. After all, it was all her decision to begin with.
Now we need to move on and file for the divorce. We plan to remain friends as long as we are comfortable doing so but I know at least initially it's going to be a little awkward. She says that I'm still going to be allowed in our granddaughter's life which is what I most wanted to hear. She also says she will do what she can to help get me squared away and straightened out so I'll be ready to move on to a new relationship. That part sounds weird but I really think she does have my best interests at heart although it's a strange way to show it.
As you can probably tell, I'm still a bit confused but at least my mindset is a little better because I now know that there is no chance that we will ever be together as a couple so I won't regret not asking her and always wondering. I was able to make it thru the day without tears so I have to count that as a positive.
I had the feeling it was but felt I needed to plead my case one final time. It hurt to hear that her attraction to me died years ago but the real stunner was that during our reconciliation effort, one night in the middle of having sex, she decided at that time that we were done and after she climaxed, she left my bedroom for good. How am I supposed to handle that?? Talk about having a knife stabbed into your heart and twisted!!! What the hell was to be gained by saying that??
She then told me that it was shortly after that when she started talking to her new guy. This is really taking a toll on my self-esteem. It's not that she is with another guy but was that necessary to say? All during our marriage I did whatever I could - in bed and out - to make her happy . Sure, sex is important but it can't be the only thing that matters.
I guess this other man has the financial ability to take her where she wants to go and do and can take whatever time off he needs to do so. I don't have the luxury of the money or the take off and go so all of a sudden, I'm not that important anymore??
If there's any solace for me it is that he is moving out of state in a few months. She says she is invested in their relationship and it's going to hurt her when he leaves. She won't go with him because her family is here and she also knows that a long distance relationship won't work. I don't know why but I'm feeling a little happier knowing that her heart will break when he does. We had several good years together and I'm feeling this spiteful? I hate myself when I start feeling like this but after the chat last night maybe I'm justified, at least in my mind. I think my only move when he leaves is sit back and let her do whatever she will need to do to deal with her pain without helping in any form. After all, it was all her decision to begin with.
Now we need to move on and file for the divorce. We plan to remain friends as long as we are comfortable doing so but I know at least initially it's going to be a little awkward. She says that I'm still going to be allowed in our granddaughter's life which is what I most wanted to hear. She also says she will do what she can to help get me squared away and straightened out so I'll be ready to move on to a new relationship. That part sounds weird but I really think she does have my best interests at heart although it's a strange way to show it.
As you can probably tell, I'm still a bit confused but at least my mindset is a little better because I now know that there is no chance that we will ever be together as a couple so I won't regret not asking her and always wondering. I was able to make it thru the day without tears so I have to count that as a positive.
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Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
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My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...
We separated in November 2009, and I discovered his 15 month long affiar in Feb 2010. He had lied, etc about this particular woman, so the "covering up" and lying, and continuing to see her while we "worked on" our marriage, was a kick in the balls, John. Something kept me hanging on.
I knew being cheated on wasn't ok...I knew i was better than that. I also felt like every stone had NOT be turned over at that point. So, I plugged on...marriage counseling, setting up custody, etc etc.
In August 2010, I distinctly remember sitting on the phone with him, crying..I mean...CRYING, begging him to come home. How come you eon't come home? How come I'm not good enough? How can we make this marriage work if you're not here?" His response: "I'm going to John'as (sorry, but that's his friend's name) house to watch the race." His buddy, John, lives exactly fifteen min from me. So, he chose to go there...in spite of me being an emotional wreck, which was NOT my normal state of mind.
The next morn, I told him to come over, we needed to talk, and I said I was done.
I didn't see it coming...I didn't know, in August, that I was going to end it. But my single, BIGGEST issue with him had been the amount of time he spent away from home for extracurriculars...friends houses, cheating, softball four nights a week...NEVER being home. And, when he elected to go out tohis buddy's, in spote of me being that upset, I just KNEW.
My point in telling you this is, while you may not see it now, you have hit your point. It hurts, you don't like it...but you have gotten to the point when you know it's over. It's a hard place to get to, but now you can focus on rebuilding your life in the direction you want.
Yes, you will wonder "Why wasn't I good enough" and, John, you were. But your wife threw the towel in a while ago. When one spouse completely shuts down on working, the marriage crumbles.
Months from now, you mark my words: this convo with your wife will me the turning pt moment in your life, and you will see a lot of good come from it
Our definition of an event changes with time and perspective.
One door closes and another opens. To refill your cup, you must first empty it.
It's normal to have those feelings. I also want him to hurt as much as he's hurt me. The woman he left me for has a terminal illness and you can just imagine the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head and that's just not me. I'm not the type of person to wish bad things for others but I recognize it for what it is and from where it stems--my hurt feelings. I just say them out loud, to my cats, or write it in an email that I don't send. It helps to relieve the stress to release the anger inside me.
I suspect she was cheating with him BEFORE this episode. When she was intimate with you, she felt guilty because she was already emotionally detached from you. It's common for people in affairs to feel guilty when being close or intimate with their spouse.
John - the sense of feeling abandoned of inadequate is very real and it will break us to the core - the good thing is that after breaking, we all have the ability to rebuild our lives and have even a better one.
One thing I learned after dealing w/cheating and a break up is to no longer attach myself in an unhealthy way to another person. I think someone here touched on how things start and how things have to end and to me that is something that I understood and embraced - after losing a husband in 08, a parent in 2011 and a break up in 2013 - I had no choice but to understand that ppl leave for one reason or another - we have to just enjoy them and appreciate them while they are around.
So to me it sounds like you will get better gradually - it's natural for you to feel anger and for your self esteem to be bruised. My recommendation to you would be - don'w worry about her life, her affairs, her new man or what happens in her future. You have enough w/having to over come your grief - let life deal with her.
I'd like to think I have a lot to offer somebody but I now need to get to a better frame of mind and work on becoming a better me....to learn that I can be happier without her and that I can make it without her. I never dreamed this would happen but it did so time to move on.
Again, thank you
I admire your desire to remain friends. Just be aware however that lawyers can change friends into enemies before the divorce is over.
I wanted to still try to have some level of civil reasoning when my divorce proceedings started but, it soon went bad. I paid child support for 14 yrs. and even after that ended, she treated me like a dog. I guess I should have expected that since her pattern had been the same for the 10 yrs. we were married.
I know the hurt you feel and I understand the uneasiness of starting over again in life, There is always an element of fear in this but, you can get through it. Many of us here have experienced this or are presently going through these issues at the present. Hang in there. Things will bet better.
"she will do what she can to help get me squared away and straightened out so I'll be ready to move on to a new relationship. That part sounds weird but I really think she does have my best interests at heart although it's a strange way to show it."
Part of getting out of the marriage will be starting a new life for yourself ON YOUR OWN, AND AWAY FROM YOUR EX WIFE. Right now, she has ripped your heart out, ripped apart your self esteem with another man and how meanly she spoke to you, and I'm worried that you're even considering allowing her to "get you squared away and straightened out to move on to a new relationship"---NO WAY.
It's time you removed the "KICK ME" sign off your back, and realized she goes out the door and stays out the door because she does severe damage and will continue to because she hasn't learned any better and you're the dog she likes to kick.
Instead, you face that she doesn't get to make choices in your life any more, you don't ask her to do anything in your life because you have to look at her as an EX, and you don't want that bad vibe in your life, and you are the only one to be calling the decisions in your life.
- our decision to split was mutual and amicable
- we trusted a really great marriage counselor who helped us navigate the separation emotionally and legally so that things remained mutual, equal and amicable
In situations where one spouse still wants to be married, and the other leaves anyway, I think its fraught with all sorts of emotional and potentially legal pitfalls and going through the hell of grief and recovery with support of friends and family, but not your ex, is the best way to do things.
My heart will never heal if I allow her to keep ripping it open.