I left my ex. He abused me. It was still hard to end the marriage, because it meant giving up on a dream. It meant there would never be the possibility that he would love me the way I wanted, or treat me the way I wanted.

It's grieving the loss of an ideal dream.

Don't be so hard on yourself about it. It's completely normal.

I think it's a part of the process, and yes, it does stink. I remember thinking about our happy memories and wishing that things could be like that again. I don't think it's blindness to remember the good times. There were good times in most marriages. My heart took a bit to catch up with my brain because I was considering the potential we had rather than the reality. It's okay to hurt and feel regret. Would you really want to be the person who quickly doesn't care about someone who was a major part of her life for so long?
Hugs to you.

Hugs to all of you - and it's nice to know it's normal. I've been having the exact same thoughts. I know what you mean when you say it's like a form of amnesia. I keep remembering the happy times, although there really aren't that many! Sounds like we're all in this together, girls!

I know exactly what you are talking about. I hadn't been happy for a while before it finally ended, but now all I can remember are the good times we had and all the plans we had made. I know it will get easier with time but for the time being-it stinks!

I was like that too. There were a lot of bad times, mostly towards the end. But once she left, I couldn't remember the bad times much and really found myself thinking about the few good times or normal daily things we did.

I am guessing it is like most things that come to an end in our life. Our normal reaction to dealing with something ending is to remember the good so to move on. There is nothing wrong with remembering the good so to move on, as long as you do move on and not dwell on what it was or what it could have been

best wishes

I hope you don't mind some advice from an old divorced woman....a friend told me about this and I have to admit I am lurking. But I have to tell you -- I was divorced in 1985. I STILL wonder if I did right by the kids, if I shouldn't have divorced him. BELIEVE me, it WILL get better. Give yourself time. When I remember the good times, and there were a few, I made myself remember why I divorced him. Now the good part.......some day he'll die - mine did!

take care of yourselves, ladies.

we are human...this process sucks...but, I am finally believing all the posts I've read about "being better off"...and "stonger because of this"...I can see the path I'm on is a journey of self-discovery and there will be many bumps along the way but, won't it be great when we reach the end to look back and feel grateful?!...UGH...sorry its late - guess thats a little deep..lol

with my first marriage it took two years to get over it. that was 21 years ago...and truthfuly I don't regret the divorce or the process I went thru, however painful it was. I am now in the same situation, although it is a lot easier (this marriage was real bad compared to my first marriage). nevertheless, it is painful, but I know I will get over it. It hurts when you think of the good times, giving up a dream, etc. It will all come to pass, i promise.

OMG.... I completely understand, I too had more bad memories than happy... and I tend to dwell on only the happy! I can't seem to remember the bad, its like my brain has bocked it out! I think I will "always" love him - I have our kids as a constant reminder of what we had hoped and dreamed for, but he has moved on, and at times, so have I... but its the gremlins that sneak in every so often that get me down - all the dreams and aspirations of growing old together...

I know (in my head) I'm better off without him 100%, its just sometimes, my heart takes over my emotions...thats when I get depressed.

i have the reverse situation. Since Husband met his pearl of great price, the old streetwalker he is so in love with, ..... now WE had no good times. He has completely forgotten all the happy years we had, how amazingly well we got along... rarely fought, read each other's minds..
Then he met her and I became nothing more than a resource to exploit for that sacred prostitute/john relationship. Suddenly, I was no one he wanted to know anymore, and Hooker was ALL. Unfortunately, Hooker is a predator, hanging around for the last few dollars of my inheritance that my idiot husband imagines he can persuade the state of Arizona to award to him.

Why NOT give him MY inheritance to share with the hooker.... just because that money was left to ME?

I love Gaelyn's post...

"....because it meant giving up on a dream. It meant there would never be the possibility that (s)he would love me the way I wanted, or treat me the way I wanted..."

its exactly how i feel... i really couldn't word it better...

I know how you feel. I was the one who filed, but only because she didn't have the guts to do it herself, plus, I was tired of being disrespected. And when she said "Don't you understand he's all I think about?" I knew it was time, because that told me she wasn't thinking about me, her four children, her job, her family, or anything else that should matter to a married woman with four kids.

Filing for divorce was the LAST thing I wanted to do. Yes, she has cheated on me several times. Yes, she is breaking my heart. Yes, she has become a selfish, narcissistic person that has walked all over me and forgotten what is important in life. But still, I love her. Some of the qualities that I want in a mate are missing now, however, and realizing that has been almost as tough as getting trampled on in the first place. Knowing that I am basically giving her what she wants (divorce) so she can go out and continue this affair with this other man, who has lied and deceived his way out of his own marriage and into her heart...and continues to lie and charm, in an effort to make my wife believe he wants to be with her and my kids, is so painful.

My STBX's heart told her to leave me for him. Her head told her to stay and fight for her marriage. My head told me to file for divorce. My heart told me not to. Unlike my STBX, I listened to my head. I think she was listening to some other part of her anatomy actually, because I still think that is all her affair with this OM is, is sick lust and selfishness.

Deep down, I know this is the right thing to do. But still, it hurts every day.

My 2 cents

I have mentioned this before.

I believe that the brain codifies our relationships in biochemical and biological changes to our brain. Yes, physical change.

I believe that our survival instinct helps us block out painful memories and only remember the "successes", the good parts.

Now, imagine that you are trying to physically change your biology and your biochemistry in your brain. That is a slow process. Not as slow as evolution, but it feels like it could take that long to me.

Just my amature guess based on documentary I saw on children's brain tissue connections being created by exposing them to multiple foreign languages before they could talk. There were physical, observable differences in brain growth connections. I am stretching this to "learning our relationship" and it becoming hard wired in the biomass we call a brain.

I bet some are ROFL at this. But that is what I think. :-)

RR99

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies... it does give me peace of mind knowing I am not alone and that I am not going crazy! I truly appreciate how much you guys ground me- and remind me that I will come out of this a whole person again!

Wishing you all a great day!
K

exactly! in my heart all the wonderful things stuck..the real things that happened i shared on here (ok i should have journaled it but)..so i have everyone here that kicks me in the ass when i have the what ifs.