Gutted;

Your last post sounds a lot like me.

Thank you for the advice to not sssign blame. I still want to though because I’m scared and i want to “understand” even though i already understand.

She and i fought all the time, we really weren’t a good fit, she met someone before i did and called it quits first.

That’s it. All the other “she never really loved me” thoughts and feelings is just more addiction to drama.

I’m still hurting though right now. My legs are completely numb as I write this. I’m still jealous of this other guy and I’m still ruminating on them making love.

So my logic and my feelings are not in synch. Even though I really do understand and overall ok in the general sense.

My problem with this new guy is ego and fear of the unknown.

I’ve got a lot of work to do and I️ really don’t want to do it,

But yeah, your story is exactly mine,

I wouldn't worry about them or what they're doing together. You're just hurting yourself with those thoughts and there is a damn good chance he's total shite in bed...lol.

There is a good chance that the more you talk to other people, particularly women, the less you will on this. I had to just keep myself busy, make a conscious decision not to jump on the first guy who came long and really think about what I wanted in a relationship. I began to see my interactions with men as fun and necessary to my development as a woman.

Maybe, if you challenge yourself to have a casual conversation with one new woman a day for the next 30 days, that will help put things in prospective for you and help you understand that you are still desirable and attractive. Talk to young, old, thin, tick, and all the colors of the rainbow. Shoot for variety and don't limit yourself to just women who you think of as your type. Just be polite and don't mention your ex. If any of the new women seem like maybe's swap numbers with them. Texting is a nice way not to feel alone and women can be really good friends. Use them to help you out of the rut you're in and worry about romance once you have some closure on this situation.

Gutted; Your story sounds a lot like mine. Did you ever learn to deal with those issues? The thought that you didn't deserve happiness?

I hear you brother. When my ex wife decided to rekindle an old flame in the middle of a leasing contract to our first real home, with 2 babies under the age of 3, and while I was working 7 days in a row out of town.. I felt like I just wanted to drive away and deal with my emotions as they came but not wanting the reminders of our relationship around me all the time.

Not sure if you have kids, but they made walking away impossible for me. In less than a month, I was out of the house, I moved all the furniture out with a couple of friends and put it in storage, and immediately jumped headfirst into a life of separation from who I thought was the love of my life.
Trust me when I say, it's been 2 months and I still wake up angry and upset, but these things take time and I feel a little stronger everyday. But getting out of that living situation is a NECESSITY I realize looking back because it allows you the space you need to reshape yourself into the man you want to be.

Thanks a lot aguila888. I am super sorry that you have that load. I don't have any kids. Really the only thing going wrong is this woman that I love (in an unhealthy way I am beginning to see) has come to the end of her rope in regards to this relationship and has met someone who makes her feel good about herself and excited again.

It hurts really bad but I can't change her mind, we've been down the road before several times and trying yet again will lead to the same bad place.

And here I am talking about myself too much when all that has happened to me is I lost a relationship that was not working.

I wish I were even half as strong as some of you guys here that have helped me. I couldn't even imagine if there were children or even pets involved.

Thanks everyone so much. Good luck to you all and please contact PM me if you wish to express some ideas or think I can help you.

WeedPuller,
It hit me one day that I'm an imperfect being in an imperfect world. I make mistakes, but that in and of itself does not make me a bad person. I also realized that each and every day I wake up being just a slightly better human being than I was the day because I'm always growing and learning as a human being. I realized that I was judging myself more harshly than I ever judged anyone else. Thinking that everyone else was prettier, smarter and more successful was not true. We are all different and each of us are better at some things than others. I decided to showcase my strengths, downplay my weaknesses and just concentrate on finding happiness.

Before I used to waste all my time catering to others and worrying over their happiness. Now days, I allow them the dignity of managing their own happiness and I take responsibility for filling my own life with friends, love and pleasant activities.

Though I'm married right now, if my hubbie left me tomorrow I know I would be okay. In fact if I ever discover he's truly not happy being married to me, I care enough about him as human being that I would strongly encourage him to take a break, see other people, and decide what he wants for himself.

I love us both enough to want us to be happy. I would never want to be tied to someone who wasn't 100% committed to me. I would feel creepy and wrong on a lot of different levels. For me, it falls in the been there and done that category. There are too many nice men in the world who deserve my love to waste it on someone who does not truly appreciate me. I'm thoroughly committed to him but I know there are no guarantees in life.

Thanks Gutted. You are a GodSend.

Now if I can only get this crushing feeling out of my heart.

Time. You guys told me time.

To Gutted:
I really respect your perspective, I've never been great with relationships myself so I completely understand putting yourself first (finally). I get nervous sometimes, but I've come across other ways of managing my anger and anxiety. I almost need social activities and I'm going to use your idea on actively starting up conversation with a different woman every day live and in person. I get the feeling that being social and being productive gives me a sense of accomplishment even on the hardest days when I have my kids and it's just the 3 of us.. I used to sit there depressed while they ran around or tried to get me to play and give them attention, but I'd just sit there and think about how there's a big chunk of my family missing.. "mamabear is not here, and she dosent really want to be apart of this family anymore.." it's hard, but I'm definitely thinking that way less and less..

Julie01: You've been reported, once again. Shame on you for spamming every single thread on this board, even the hospice board promising this person who helped you get your husband back can also cure people on their death bed!

kbbcoop77: Hang in there! I'm sorry you got blindsided this way. I hope you do follow the suggestion about talking to a new woman every day. The more female faces and voices you hear, the less you will be thinking about the one woman who disrespected you. No man deserves to sit around feeling depressed when there are lots of people who would enjoy his company.

WeedPuller: I have a good feeling about you. You are coming here and being open about your loss and your feelings. People who can maintain an open dialogue are the most likely to not only survive bad times but come out of it having learned something useful about themselves. I think you are definitely going to recover from this!

Gutted;

Thank you for the kind words. I wish I could believe them. I felt so much angst this early this morning I called the suicide hotline twice. I’m having thoughts about killing myself. I even had a thought about harming my recent ex, who did nothing wrong and even if she did do something “wrong” doesn’t deserve to live under a threat, even if that threat is in my own mind.

I promised the hotline to call them or 911 right away if i begin to take actions on my thoughts. I have an appointment at two with a therapist and I will tell him everything i just wrote above. If he tells me to turn myself in I’m going to do that.

I’ve really created a mountain out of a molehill. Sorry for the alarming post.

WeedPuller, I hate to see you in so much pain that you would think of harming yourself or someone else. This is what happens when we think we're at the end of our ability to cope. Harming yourself or you spouse is never the way.

Threatening or harming her will ensure she never wants anything to do with you. It will also be that one step to far that you have to live with for the rest of your life. Don't do that to her or to yourself. You deserve to be loved, but threatening and harming others will just make you harder to love. I believe there is a difference between thinking dark random thoughts occasionally and honestly being capable of harming or killing another person. I don't sense you are capable of being that kind of person.

As for harming yourself. Please don't even consider such a thing. Though you can't see it right now, I promise you are lovable and one day you will look back on this situation and even though you now feel depressed, angry and desperate it will pass. Give your emotions time to catch up with your brain.

The bottom line is this relationship is not healthy for you, much less worth ending your life over. You are someone's idea of perfect and that person is counting on you be at that special spot...the intersection of chance, hope and destiny when fate has determined you are to meet. Don't leave her standing there with that sinking feeling that something special is supposed to be happening but she can't figure out what.

You seem pretty self aware, congrats on that. It sounds like talking to a qualified therapist may help you discover more about your motivations, and provide you with tools for dealing with your own demons. I don't think most people can be/are so upfront with how their negative, immature "stuff" affects them and those around them. You might find talking to a professional will unburden you of a lot of things. And it's way easier talking to a professional than you might think, at least it was for me.

Thanks Gutted. Thanks jojored.

Hardest thing ever. I also wished for a time where I did not have to feel the feelings and their more I wished for that the more it hurt. It hurts so bad you feel like ripping in half, dont you?
Then we go tru all the process of blaming ourselves touching them making passes to see if the flame still there but they are rootless. They already have another option they think is better than us.
No contact is the best. Whatever you do, do not call her do. Or text her. She is fucking someone else while you are in mourning. Do not give her the chance to step on you over and over. Cheaters are not compasionate they are selfish and they don' care about but your emotions

Tell her to move out. She will be surprised.
The best for you. You will be better. I'm still working on but I'm way much stronger that when the sky fell on my head 10 months ago.

Thanks. To be honest I don’t want this to take ten months.

I get it but 10 months for just a little breathing room. Wow.