Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

1 Online

This isn't my first heartbreak but...

This really hurts.

I found out yesterday my partner is seeing another man. She wants to sell the house pronto. She seems to be very into him and he is very into her.

I get intellectually I have to let her go but man it hurts so bad. This is way unexpected. The physical pain.

I know things must end but I don't want to do the work, I don't want to feel the feelings.

Replies

kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77

Matha2 you’re being reported you piece of shit.
And to the OP, yeah man it sucks bad happened to me after 24 years my ex wife was banging someone else and split left me and our 17 year old daughter , 2 dogs 1 cat etc etc ...best thing to do is cut the bitch off 100% and get on with your life ASAP. It hurts but you’ll get over it. You’ll be stronger for it if you take some time to work through the feelings and don’t jump into another relationship right away.
WeedPuller
WeedPuller

Thanks kbbcoop77.

I find myself a lot in the bargaining stage of grief today. She is still here in the house and I made a pass at her because I don't want to do the work or feel the pain. She turned me down. I was humiliated. Then I spend my time wasting her time (she has appointments) talking about us and the ups and downs we have had and such. Our relationship really doesn't work and there have been many times (she reminded me) that I said I was through.

Why then is it different now when there is no avoiding the end of this relationship? I can't stand the feelings I'm feeling.

She agreed to "no contact" with me today. That means I am going to try to buy her out of the house. But I'm so anxious about the time between now and the time we are in "no contact". How do I hold on until we are out of each other's presence?
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77

I lasted 3 weeks like that and then told her to get out. She went to live with her mother. She was leaving Friday nights and coming home Sunday night usually drunk and happy as a clam. I had no idea at the time she was cheating but she was.
That’s usually the case. Honestly I would try and separate as soon as you can. The quicker you get her out of your life the faster you’ll start to heal.
It’s a rough road...hardest thing I ever went through. The first year was hell but trust me it DOES get better. Now I have no desire to talk or speak to her or email or text ever again. If she was hit by a train i wouldn’t care, but would support my kids through their grief. If you’re living together it’s impossoble to get to indifference. It’s highly likely she’s thought about this for a long long time and her mind is made up. Unfortunately it’s also likely she has her eyes on someone else. I would’ve never believed it myself after 24 years but it was the cold hard truth. Good luck man you’ll get there
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77

Sorry I didn’t see she’s already seeing someone but it’s not surprising...in that case I would definitely separate ASAP let Mr Wonderful support her cheating ass.
Gutted
Gutted

It's going to be hard to find some solace when you are having to look at her every day. I'd let her know that you would take it as a personal favor if she could find someplace else to be, so you could begin to deal with this. Let her know that you will do your best to wrap things up as amicably as possible. I'll bet she will be relieved and if she can, she will move on.

Then you begin to put this behind you mentally and physically by packing up her stuff and putting it out of site (garage?). When evidence of your long term partnership isn't string you in the face every day, you will begin to heal. I'd also try to establish some new family traditions with your teenage daughter, maybe breakfast out every Saturday, or a movie mattine for the two you and the friend of her choice. That way when you move on, bringing a new partner to movie time won't seem like your cheating her out of dad time.
Sharingmythoughts
Sharingmythoughts

You said your relationship really doesn't work and there were many times you said you were through. You must work through the pain. Are you feeling pain because she called it quits before you, because she has found someone else or because you truly wanted the relationship to work? You must be honest with yourself before you can move on.
WeedPuller
WeedPuller

@Sharingmythoughts;

I think all three (calling it quits first, having another, wanting the relationship to work) at different times and at different magnitudes.

Mostly the pain is about the other guy. That's when I am at my most painful and most crazy.

In terms of wanting it to work, yes I wanted it to work. I think she did too. I think I didn't like the way her schedule conflicted with mine so we never saw each other. So I got resentful and would punish her by ignoring her when she was here and telling her that we needed to end it, it wasn't working.

Then she finally meets this new guy and says "Ok, I've been thinking about calling it for a while now and so we are done". And she means it.

She used to drag her feet like I did about our relationship not working but I am sure that with this new guy she has new strength to stay the course.

And now, because I don't want to feel the pain and do the work, I now want to make the relationship work.

I feel so stupid.

Intellectually, I know the relationship is over. I just don't want to feel the pain and do the work.

I'm scared too because I don't know where to go. I'm a tremendous introvert and usually stay indoors by myself.

I did get her to agree that "no contact" is the way to go so hopefully I will at least be in the place without her soon.
Sharingmythoughts
Sharingmythoughts

Your healing won't began until she is out of the place and of course it will take time. You say you're an introvert buy staying inside may not be ideal unless you are changing things around to make the place "yours". You're going to feel the pain whether you want to or not just try not to let it consume you. When it's bad find something to do even if its a short drive or walk. I hope you heal sooner rather than later. :-)
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77

In terms of wanting it to work, yes I wanted it to work. I think she did too.


She didn’t or she would’ve worked on it...I had these same thoughts but they just keep you stuck
WeedPuller
WeedPuller

Yeah, my logic knows that the best thing to do with this situation is to accept it as is without the need to "understand" it.

But right now, I want an explanation. Even though every explanation I come up with or have her give me just doesn't seem "right".

I have a friend who agreed to let me crash there for a while. Mini no contact. I hope it helps.

I do feel like I'm playing a game though. Like I keep renegotiating with my ex in a way to keep engaging with her.

Man, I just want to be on the other side of this.
Sharingmythoughts
Sharingmythoughts

You say you want an explanation. You already stated the reason or at least part of it anyway.

You wrote: I think I didn't like the way her schedule conflicted with mine so we never saw each other. So I got resentful and would punish her by ignoring her when she was here and telling her that we needed to end it, it wasn't working.

You tried to punish her which means you weren't treating her right and ignored her and told her it wasn't working. People can only take so much.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77

Yeah it sucks but there isn’t a shortcut to the other side. When I was much younger (21) and my gf dumped me I was heartbroken but dated pretty quickly relatively and it did help to go out with other girls right away. Maybe that is an option....but this time my ex wife and I were together 24 years and had families etc it was a lot to take in when she left. I didn’t have the gumption to even consider dating. Now it’s been close to 4 years since she split and I’m open to it and have been talking daily to a gal I knew years ago that’s also divorced so who knows. It’s nice to have some light hearted conversations with her and laugh again. There is life after this shit.
Gutted
Gutted

Hey, I don't want to load more on but I have to point out that I think something else is going on here. It seems to me that every step of the way you are doing whatever is the most self-defeating. When you had her, you ignored her as punishment instead of working it out. Now that you neglected her and pushed her away, you suddenly want her again. When things got rough you acted out in front of the kids, which would be a total deal breaker for most women and ensure your kids would start wondering about getting close to you as well. It seems like you are hell bent on destroying your relationships from the inside out. I'm certain you are intentionally doing this but if you don't find a way to stop, you will continue this through multiple relationships and maybe really end up isolated. I don't want that for you.

Do you do this in other areas of your life? If so, ask yourself why. Don't you feel like you deserve to be happy? Do you feel guilty for something you did in another life? Why are does your behavior seem destined to ensure you will be alone"

Figure out that piece and whatever it is that's driving you be self-defeating, fix it, forgive yourself, or do what you have to get that under control. You will probably find people flocking to you. You seem real nice. I hate to see you lonely over something you could fix.
WeedPuller
WeedPuller

Share my thoughts and Gutted;

YES YES YES! This breakup is mostly my fault. It’s never 100% anyone’s fault but i was calling for a breakup for years. Because her life and schedule I was unhappy she wasn’t around to baby me.

There are a ton of little details that would take to long to go through and would be boring for you.

But looking back her meeting this guy and starting to date him in a symptom and not a cause,

I did destroy this relationship. It is mostly my fault. Sure she could be demanding but if I’m honest i did this.

I’ve done this before in previous relationships, the constant “testing” and the immature petulant insecure behavior.

I don’t know how to fix that.

But I’m still hurting over this loss. I think that maybe I never really wanted to break up. I think (oh man) that i treated her this way just to get her attention,

I’m addicted to drama,

I feel really guilty coming here looking for help when this is my fault. I’m still hurting about it though.

But I feel a little closer to forgiving her, even though there’s really nothing to forgive.

I feel now i have to pay out a penance. I think i will try to focus on helping others and try to stop being so needy and childish.

Thanks everyone!
Gutted
Gutted

I don't think it's helpful to assign blame. It's more helpful to understand your own motivations.

I was in a similar situation once, where I really wanted out. When the other person recognized it wasn't working and opted out first, I felt deserted, affronted, alone, and like I'd do anything to get them back. Now years later, I honestly think I was just butthurt because he left me before I could leave him. I maybe even knew that at the time but I was all emotion so I wouldn't let myself see that it that way. I think for a long time I was also leaving others before they could leave to avoid feeling tossed aside. That made this one time when the other person ditched me hurt all that more. I used to be such a messed up piece of work....lol. I don't think I really thought I deserved to be happy so unconsciously I kind of made sure I wasn't. I was given a lot of negative feedback as a child and it affected my self-esteem.

Maybe I'm just reading into your story because it resonates so strongly with me.
Posts You May Be Interested In:
  • Treyw1942

    Help.. I'm stalking my ex and can't stop

    4
    After 4yrs the love of my life ended it via text. After making it clear she needed space I smothered her with texts, calls, emails until I was rightfully blocked and told to never contact her again. However much I logically understand this I can't stop... this could end badly... I'm not a physical threat but I have kids from a previous relationship and I'm worried a restraining order would hurt...
  • Dan_99

    Followup post - Properly pacing the relationship

    4
    This is a followup post getting more specific about the healty pace of a dating relationship.Sometimes I feel myself getting sucked into an unhealthy way of looking at the relationship that's developing.......I start to rush or force things.......I hate that.My heart is in the right place......I guess its insecurity driving me to act this way.My God Dan.......just have fun, dont tie yourself to...